Too Much Time to Think

We caught a much needed break over the past week, as we have not lost power like the 50,000 others in the area. We know we were in the small % that got to stay home with heat and a shower and clean clothes, a fridge and lights...and a t.v. for the kids. I can only imagine the added misery in our lives had we been without electricity. My heart skipped a beat tonight shortly after 7 when the power went off for about 5 seconds, then came back on. I hope that is the last we see of that!

So with power, I have no excuse as to why I haven't written. I mean, seriously...I've been pretty much available since Monday evening! Several days in a row with kids home on a snow day, and my head was spinning. Again, if we didn't have power, Rachel surely would have complained more than she has already about how bored she is, if that is possible. I made a lot of cookies...some for the workers at United Electric, as my sister works there and called for some snacks for the guys on the first day when they were still trying to get all of their arrangements made...some for us and some to give away...some today for Dan Walter across the street because he is kindly taking care of plowing our driveway and scooping our steps.

I like to bake, but I don't like the mess. I seriously feel like I've cleaned house nonstop for 5 days. It was a nice break yesterday to get out of the house, as Erin graduated from Northwest. We went to my dad's, minus Brian, to celebrate with her last night. We intended to go to Unionville in the morning...shh, don't tell home health! I figure it is a shorter trip than Columbia, and it is important for us to go for Christmas. I figure Brian would be home bound there for the whole weekend, so we were going to try it. I thought ahead and decided to possibly go last night to avoid the snowstorm; however, the ice had moved across the state and caused Brian's parents to lose power also. It was restored by about 10pm last night, too late for us to get out of town. The girls were very disappointed, to say the least. We were all looking forward to a nice weekend with family, and to celebrate Brian's mom's birthday on Sunday. It is all just salt in the wound that has become our life.

Brian is feeling pretty down in the dumps. So am I. This disease has taken its toll. We often wonder when it is time to stop, when is enough, enough? When? There doesn't seem to be a right or wrong, there's no rules on how to do all this. That also means we don't always do the right thing or handle things the way we should, but we try. I want to treasure this Christmas season and our upcoming anniversary, because I know it is likely our last. Yet, this all seems to be ruined by Brian's impending death hanging over our heads, so we can't even treasure the moments. No one really knows how they would handle things...you can think about it, you can imagine, but you would never know unless you truly were in the same situation. I want each moment to be amazing, memorable...I want to share enough in the next few months to last a lifetime. But that is hard to do when you feel like crap. Nothing can take away the sadness that fills our lives, the pain that lingers in our hearts. We both aren't ok with losing our future, and the reality of it all is just too much. Brian has been crying a lot, really a lot today. I have too. This is normal, to desperately want something to be different, to feel let down by the hope that God will show His hand. Brian said the other day that he wondered if he wasn't showing God how much he trusts Him...that maybe he just needed to really tell God what he needed. But I know in my heart that Brian and I have both put our undying trust in God, and have strongly believed only He could be the way to end this misery. I fear that God is answering our prayers in a way that we didn't plan for, in a way that will undoubtedly bring our family that much more pain and suffering.

I've come to realize that it isn't just now that God is controlling our lives, that God's plan is playing out. My life has always been God's plan. It is just that several times I've been good with what He had planned.

There was Tim...a wonderful time in my life where everything seemed to be falling into place. It took several months for me to get pregnant with Rachel, and I seriously kept wondering if I was even going to be able to have a baby. Then I found out I was pregnant, and when Rachel arrived, I knew God had waited for the perfect child for us. I had a miscarriage about 21 months later, and I was devastated. I was shocked and wondered why this was happening. Then I got pregnant with Amberlea about 6 months later. I found out just before my due date with the other baby, and I remember thinking that this must be all part of a plan for this new baby to be a part of our family. After Tim and I split up, I wondered if I was just a pawn in a game gone bad. I could not imagine what the purpose of all of this could possibly be. Over the years, I've come to realize that Tim was a part of the plan to give us Rachel and Amberlea, and for that, I am blessed.

Then in whisked Brian...I was so caught off guard by G0d's plan. I had prayed for someone to share my life with, or to find peace in being alone. I felt so thankful for Him bringing us together (thanks to angels Barb and Cindy), and I really started to see that God had a complex plan. I'm not sure if God chose Brian for me to have a wonderful husband and stepdad for the girls, to bring me Tye, or for me to help him die. And then my mom, how could it be a good plan for her to be dead? I often wonder if the plan was to bring us closer to my dad, although our family continues to face difficult challenges and consequences of her death. And with Brian's battle, now going strong for the last 32 months, the only end in sight appears to be one that no one wants. Tim's purpose in my life seems to have redefined itself, as he and his wife have been strong supporters of our battle, and an extra set of parental support for the girls during this mess. I guess when I look back on all the events of my life, I realize that it never has been my plan, really. It has all been an interwoven mess of events, some of which have been lots of fun, have been very special, have made me feel good, have made our family stronger...some that have been devastating. It is hard to fathom that God's plan might be for me to be a single mom, widowed in my 30's, raising 3 kids on a teacher's salary, and spending a lifetime missing the man I love. What kind of plan is that?

What is plan B? Or should I say plan K because I think we've already tried plans A-J with all the treatments and hell we've put Brian through. I tried to talk to Brian briefly about a new treatment, and he reminded me that he said this was the last one he was trying. He wants to go ahead and have a CT, so we'll see about maybe doing that this week. I fear that if the results aren't good, he'll be done fighting. How do I accept that and respect his wishes, yet also defend our family and encourage and support him? It is very difficult to do both. He says he is tired, he thinks he is a burden, he hates not being able to walk or go to the bathroom, and I can see the pain in his eyes and hear it in his voice. I want him to be grateful for the moments, regardless...I want him to treasure hearing Tye's voice and asking about his day, playing cows on the couch or reading a book together. Instead, he is focused on what he can't do...no playing ball or chasing the kids, no going fishing or camping or teaching him to ride a bike. So these negative feelings seem to be robbing us of precious moments, and I can't seem to say or do anything that can change how he feels. I figure if he is here, he is able to be a part of our family. I want him to see that as better than the alternative of being dead. I don't know if he does. I don't know if I blame him.

People keep telling us that they are still praying for us everyday. We are still praying too. What you need to realize is that we have prayed nonstop for 32 months that God would rid Brian's body of this cancer, and it hasn't happened. We aren't going to stop praying and believing that Brian will be a miracle, and if that happens, we will always and forever let everyone know that God was solely responsible for saving Brian. Brian's health continues to deteriorate, and it is a reality that what we want may not be what will happen, God only knows why.

I'm anxious for a return to the routine that was going pretty well before our recent trip to Columbia. I also learned that I need to figure some other things out over Christmas break or we'll all be crazy by the time school resumes.

Sorry once again for being a real downer. Cancer totally sucks, and I don't feel like having my game face on right now.

Hope you all stay warm. I would trade a million days without power and heat for a healthy husband.

Jenni