Weekend Thoughts

Sorry I haven't posted. This might be a long one, depending if I decide to really say everything on my mind right now.

We spent the first half of Thursday at home with Tye, while the girls were with their dad. It was an odd day, full of football, Backyardigans, and funeral arrangements. Brian gets in these moods of wanting to let me know things...this time it was what he wants to be buried in, who he wants for pallbearers, which casket, and one particular song he wants. I usually just sit and stare at him because it is so overwhelming and I am mostly in shock. I want to really listen and let him say what he feels like he needs to say. The girls came back in time to catch Enchanted with Karis, and then we had snacky foods for supper.

Friday was also a busy day, getting ready for the Halley Thanksgiving at our house. The kids hung out with Erin for a little while, and that gave me a chance to power clean! We had a delicious dinner, mostly brought in by everyone else, and it was a great time together. Brian's mom stayed until Sunday so I could go to a wedding on Saturday, and also just to visit and help out. The Heflins were all here on Sunday, even my grandma, and it was a good time being together.

So to the wedding...it seems only yesterday (5 years actually) that the holidays were approaching, and our lives were full of wedding plans, reception plans, house plans, life plans...and now this. I had to really gear myself up to go to the wedding, not because of my friends who were getting married, just because what is going on in my life is so raw right now. It helps that I wanted to see this one for myself, as Amberlea's teacher married a dear friend of mine that I've known for 30 years. I was inspired by Tammy, Bryce's wife, as she recently attended her brother-in-law's wedding only 2 weeks after Bryce's death, in the same place where they were married only 5 years ago. I just decided that it was something I wasn't going to miss, something I wasn't going to let melanoma control, and if I cried, then I cried. And I did cry, like a blubbering idiot...actually like a grieving wife whose husband is dying...like a mother of a son who needs to grow up with his daddy. I am proud of myself for staying in church long enough to hear Father Martin's great homily, actually see Jamie and Mike exchange vows, and see the happiness I always knew they brought to each other. But the unity candle song did me in...here it is if you feel like crying; but more importantly, thinking about that special person or even how God has been with you through your life...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGxmudQmnXo

This version didn't do it justice, compared to Jill and Steven, and Marcy's sign language. Still, you could probably see how I couldn't keep it together. I felt overwhelmed to see how happy they were, and to know how great that feels...and to know it is slipping away. I know Brian will always be with me, and nothing can take that away.

I got it together enough to be able to blow bubbles and see them ride off on the firetruck, and to go to the reception for a little while (I couldn't miss the best BBQ around!).

I suppose it will always be like this. I learned from losing my mom that it is one big blow, then a series of subsequent losses...each time I miss out on something she would have been a part of, the pain is there. I suppose it is what I have ahead of me for a lifetime, moment after moment.

We are at an odd place right now...still believing in a miracle, the miracle we promised each other we would never stop praying for...and finding a way to face what appears to be happening. I feel like if we talk about funeral details, we've given up hope. And I feel like if we don't, we are ignoring an opportunity and are turning our back on the one thing cancer can give us, time to prepare. It sucks, have I said that? It really does...

Brian had a good session of therapy today. They are already seeing improvement, and his goal is to be walking by Christmas. Even if we could get him to the point of being able to move around the house a little better, it would be a great improvement and would give us the chance to go out for dinner or go to Unionville and just feel like we are somewhat normal. We can only pray that will happen.

Thank you for your continued prayers. Crystal did not win the baby shower contest; instead a family won who just had a baby and the dad was diagnosed with colon cancer right before...just another example of the many cancers that rock our world, steal our mommies and daddies, and ruin marriages and lives...not just melanoma.

Thanks for being there for us.
Jenni