Chemo Day 4 Upate Etc.

Well, I hate to say it, but the chemo has really whooped up on Brian. He is down for the count. They weren't kidding when they said he would feel ok for a day or so, then it would start. It is difficult to know how he will be day-to-day, so we aren't assuming that he'll be like this everyday.

He went to therapy on Tuesday morning, and then opted for Pagliai's for lunch. We're trying to let him eat any and every time he is hungry while his appetite is good. It was warm in Pagliai's, and I think that is what made him start to feel funny. He wasn't really complaining of nausea, more of a funky feeling. He came home and rested, as therapy really wore him out. Other than the ice cream from Duesing, he didn't eat for the rest of the day.

Then on Wednesday morning he at some muffins, went to therapy again, and was starving for lunch. He had a great appetite and was feeling good. Ice cream again from Duesing! He did take some Ativan for nausea, and just napped. He wasn't hungry for supper, but did eat a fruit cup and some crackers before going to bed.

Thursday morning wasn't so lucky. He was dry heaving within a matter of minutes of being up. He was having a lot of trouble shaking the nausea, so he took Phenergan. We know from the past that this really does a number on the nausea, but knocks him out cold. That has been the case today. He looks like he is in a fog, and it is difficult to see him like this. He kind of has the glassy eyes and dazed look. He says he's just tired, no nausea. I have a feeling that the Nexavar is causing a lot of the fatigue too, but I'll be anxious to see him when he gets the Phenergan out of his system. Even though it says he can take it every 6 hours, in the past we've seen it work for about 12-15 hours. I made him eat a piece of toast this morning, but he refused anything for lunch. He did eat a little for supper and I'm trying to keep him hydrated.

I hope he settles in to this routine and we can find something to help keep him functioning. I would like to try to go without the Phenergan and just take Ativan routinely, and see if that helps to curb the nausea, while keeping him on the same planet as the rest of us.

Dr. Miller's office called yesterday and told us the amylase (pancreatic fluid) count was above 44,000. Again, a normal person would have a count of zero, as the normal person's pancreas should not be leaking! So he'll keep the drain in, with no end in sight. It is really starting to bother him. We were really hoping to have this removed because this chemo regimen can greatly affect his red and white blood cell counts. He doesn't need this as a source of infection, but it can't come out until this heals, or that will cause an infection too. We pray that his drain heals quickly so it doesn't overlap when his counts become compromised. Dr. Anderson feels he'll have good to decent labs on the 27th, but may see a dip by the 3rd treatment. If that happens, he could have intervention, such as Neulasta or Procrit or a transfusion. Hopefully that won't be the case until later in the treatment, but that is something we can deal with. Some patients have compromised counts from their disease itself, such as not making any platelets; but Brian's issue will simply be what damage the chemo causes. That is somewhat easier to deal with.

Other than that, the kids and I are getting ready for school to start on the 15th. I wish I could be home with Brian, and if it is needed, I will be. Mostly if we are dealing with fatigue, it will allow me to work while he just sleeps it off. I guess we'll see.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support. I've felt like crying a lot lately, and I have. Sometimes I think I should just face it and deal with it. Other times, I think that I AM facing it and dealing with it, and that is why it makes me cry, and why it helps to cry. It helps to have the normalcy of the school year ahead, and I'm looking forward to a great year.

I am really missing my mom. Sometimes, actually a lot of times, I think I should get over it. Those of you that have lost a loved one know that healing takes time, and the grieving process varies. I feel like I had her for 32 years, and it is only healthy and normal for it to take a decent amount of time before things start to feel better. I shouldn't have to get over it. Time hasn't healed anything for me; so when people say that time heals, it doesn't for everyone. I do think that time changes things, and sometimes those changes become routine, which in turn makes it all easier. Sometimes those changes make it more difficult to see life moving forward. I wish I could turn back time. My mom would have wanted me to focus on the great memories instead of being sad, but sometimes thinking of those memories makes it harder for me. I start thinking how things changed so suddenly, literally overnight, and also about the memories that will never be. Maybe I took my mom for granted, and maybe my sister is right...we thought things were good, but we didn't realize how great until after we lost her. The pain is deep. One thing I have done is come to the understanding that it is a pain I'll have to live with. I just knew my mom too well, and she wouldn't want me suffering because she is gone. I've been able to get into a phase of talking about my mom or remembering my mom without always feeling sad, and I guess that is healing in itself. The point is, anyway I think about it, I wish my mom was here to help me while Brian is so sick. Before she died, I didn't think I could do it without her. I've learned that I can, with the help of my dad and other family members and friends, who helped me before she died too, not just now. My mom would be proud of me and the choices I've made and things I've done in the months since her death, and that is all that really matters.

I feel better already, just journaling about it.
Jenni