7-7-7...Just My Luck!

I woke this morning and realized I let the luckiest day of the year, maybe of the century, pass me by without buying a lottery ticket. I guess it is because I haven’t been feeling too lucky lately, and I didn’t even think the triple sevens could save me. My dad bailed me out yesterday when I had a flat tire. I hope 7-7-7 panned out for all of you, because the only real luck I had was that I was close to town when the tire went flat, instead of being in Nebraska City, as I had been for a swim meet earlier in the day.

I don’t know what it is. Sometimes I think that everything else should be running smoothly, while we deal with this hell. I mean, come on. When we’re dealing with a serious illness like Brian’s, why would there be a croupy cough (mine), swimmer’s ear (Rachel), or a flat tire. Why wouldn’t our house sell to the first looker, and surely I could hit the jackpot on Powerball. We’re due.

It just doesn’t work like that. I find that life just goes on like everyone else’s. It just seems that the little things are compounded. One would think that the little irritations would be no big deal, considering what else is going on. But instead, I often feel like the little things are like having salt poured in the wound, or like being kicked when you’re down. And it is easy to focus our energies on the little things. When I realized my tire was flat, for a second I thought my heart would beat out of my chest. The anger was just overwhelming! Over a tire. Then I remembered that I know how to change a tire. Granted, it has been a while. So I had the spare off the bottom of the van and was ready to go by the time Dad arrived, and I was glad he was there, as I would have had to read the van manual to remember what to do! Thanks Dad!

So it looks like two new tires for the van again. They were on my list of wants for the summer.

I don’t really have much to say still about Brian’s appt. on Monday. I haven’t written because we don’t have an answer yet. We’ve left messages for God, and so far he hasn’t returned our calls. I keep waiting for the clouds to part, and I even watched carefully in the fireworks to see if they spelled anything out. Nothing. We have a feeling on what to do, but were hoping to feel a little more guided by God, and to feel like we were making the right choice. We truly believe it is something that is not up to us, and that God will show us the way.

Brian’s options range widely. He can choose palliative care, in which case we would treat him for all symptoms and ailments, but not attack the cancer. It would essentially be sitting back and taking care of him while the cancer kills him. This is not the same type of care as hospice. Palliative care could include some minor surgeries if Brian chooses, and would include all kinds of intervention to deal with what the cancer is doing to his body. Sounds encouraging…

There were several other options, including some minor treatments, some moderate, and one major. He is leaning toward a moderate or major. I am trying desperately to let him decide just what he wants to put his body through and what chances he wants to take. It is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. He wants more time, and is willing to endure another beating for the chance to be with us.

We also have to consider Brian’s quality of life. This recent brain issue was the first real symptoms Brian has had that he has melanoma. Everything else has been a complication or side effect of treatment, either the drugs or the surgery. He is feeling great, and that needs to also be considered.

I feel like when we talk about these things, we are giving up hope. Brian’s doctor says it is a fine line between hope, faith, and realism, and that if we can find a happy medium, it will help bring us peace. It is a rollercoaster of emotions, talking about truly believing that our God, the Great Physician, will heal Brian, and also facing what we should do next, if Brian’s healing is not to be an earthly healing.

It has been kind of a crappy summer. I wish we were deliberating about other things.

Where should we go on vacation, Branson, Hawaii or a cruise?

Instead, it is questions like….throw up some, or a lot? Lose your hair or keep it? Work or not?

Hawaii sounds great!

Like I said, no decisions have been made. We hope to decide in the next day or so. Brian’s oncologist is amazing to email me back, and I cyber-harass him daily for addition info and understanding. He is very concerned with Brian’s quality of life, while still wanting to attack the cancer. He doesn’t particularly want to go to palliative care just yet, but does respect Brian’s feelings and wants Brian to be the driver.

So we wait. We talk. We pray. We hope. And we are really trying to listen to what the Lord has planned for us.

Therapy is going well for Brian. This morning he walked across the house from the kitchen to the living room, while holding his cane…not using it, just carrying it. This is very encouraging to Brian, and he’s felt a lot of peace in the past few days, with the improvements he’s seeing.

He got the AFO on Friday, and it is a tremendous help in keeping his ankle and foot in place. He took the walker with him and tagged along to the swim meet on Saturday. It was so hot, 99…but with a lot of shade and a breeze, it was bearable. It felt good to be there together with the girls. It was difficult to see so many, running around with tanned bodies, and by the end of the afternoon, sunburns, oblivious to the threat and danger of melanoma. I half thought about putting a sign next to Brian kind saying “this could happen to you if you don’t protect yourself from the sun”. But again, we don’t think Brian’s melanoma came from the sun. The thing is, so many melanoma cases could be prevented by sun safety, so we continue to promote this in an effort to save others from what Brian has endured and faces.

The right-hand corner of the website has a link to the EPA’s UV index. A quick second is all it takes to sign up for email alerts for your zip code. Although it doesn’t take a genius to know that these hot days of summer are the worst of all, I do find it a useful reminder of the sun’s potential during cloudy/overcast days, and also when the days are cooler in the 70’s or so. I hope it can help you and remind you to plan sun safety into your outdoor activities. The sun is a funny thing. If you see the girls, you’ll know…they’ve both picked up a lot of color this summer. But we’ve avoided the sunburns, God-willing, and still enjoyed being outside in the pool. Beyond that, we just have to live.

Sorry to get on my soap box. One of my goals with this blog was to bring about melanoma awareness, and I hope your lives will be forever touched by Brian’s battle.

We had a great 4th of July. We spent most of the day in Unionville with Brian’s family, and stayed through the 5th. My dad came with us too, just for the day, and it was great to be surrounded by loved ones. We’ll celebrate the 4th with my sisters and brother and everyone tonight with a BBQ at Dad’s.

We have been busy as a family…bowling, boxing, golfing, and playing tennis and baseball, within the comforts of our own home. Some very special friends purchased a Nintendo Wii for our family, rightfully name Our Famwii, and we’ve had some great times already, doing some things together that we otherwise wouldn’t have been able to. Brian’s golf swing was decent, although his tennis arm left some to be desired. This activity has offered him additional therapy, on both his arms and legs. Golfing was the first time he let go of his walker! Again, we are blessed by the actions and kindness of others.

I’ll let you know what Brian decides about his treatment, once everything is finalized. Please pray for God to text me or something.

Off to Hawaii (in my dreams),
Jenni