And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. (I Peter 5:10)
Melanoma stinks. That’s my nice version of how I feel sometimes (most of the time) when I think of how this disease has affected me, our family and my job; but most importantly how it has affected Brian, as a person, father, husband, teacher, son, and friend.
Sometimes I wonder if cancer is a way for God to reveal to us just who is in charge here! We think we are doing so much to take care of things here on earth; when in essence, it is all part of His divine plan. I do believe we play a major role in how things turn out, as we have free will. I just don’t know yet how I feel about families out there who exhaust themselves to find a cure or treatment, only to have their loved one whisked away to Heaven anyway. It is a feeling I didn’t expect, the feeling of failure that we (collectively) or maybe I (myself) have not done enough to fix this problem (big problem). Then, as quickly as my pity comes on, it is squelched by my faith in a loving God who knows I love Brian unconditionally, and I am doing everything God will allow me to do to save his life. Who am I to really think I have the power to do this? I guess when you love someone, you believe that all things are possible.
I’m content right now to let God be the driver because free will allows just a little too much leeway. Free will allows us to decide who Brian’s doctor is; it allows us to choose the path of treatment we feel is best suited for Brian’s condition. And then it is up to us to trust that God has put all the things necessary in our paths to heal Brian.
Trust is an interesting concept to me. I find myself realizing that maybe I don’t completely trust God to take care of this. Maybe I’ve seen too many others lost to cancer. Maybe it was the husband buried last Wednesday after a long battle with leukemia; or the 19 month old buried last Thursday after a brief battle with a brain tumor; or the numerous others you are thinking of right now as you’re reading this, who have also been lost to this horrid disease.
Maybe I should be focusing on God’s healing hand. Maybe I should look closer at my mother-in-law, who is a breast cancer survivor; or at a Maryville dad who recently went into remission from colon cancer; or a friend who is an ovarian cancer survivor; or the melanoma patient who was given 6 months to live, and that was over 6 YEARS ago.
The question becomes: How are some healed on earth, and others not until they reach Heaven? You can email me all of the answers to that question, if you have an answer.
I guess we can never underestimate what role we play in God’s plan. Our personal, present suffering has likely affected many people (surely there is a reason). Maybe it is the way you snuggle your kids tighter before tucking them in; or maybe it is the way you ignore the fact that your husband left his dirty socks on the floor; or the fact that you lather your kids and yourself up this summer with extra sunscreen; or the fact that you finally got that suspicious spot on your body checked out. Or maybe it is the way you got your video camera out last time your toddler sang “Little Bunny Foo-Foo”, or the way you called your mom just to talk. Maybe it is the way you thanked God extra today for your health and the health of your loved ones.
Brian says he’s tired of being the guinea pig, the example, the role model. Let someone else carry this burden. Don’t be mistaken, Brian and I wouldn’t wish this disease on anyone. But aren’t we all raised to a certain standard, a certain expectation, of having our actions impact others in a positive way? Aren’t we all in place here on earth to end up in someone else’s path, to be the example, to be the reminder, to bring Jesus to those around us? It is all part of the quilt, designed by the Master Weaver.
Easy to say, if it’s not your husband dealing with stage 4 melanoma…how do we deal with a loved one becoming a patch on the quilt when we aren’t ready? I love my husband, and I love my family; and I want to grow old with him. Am I begging?
Then there is the roller coaster ride, when a scan tells you all that is in your head is your brain, and all that is in your chest is what is supposed to be there. Then there is the moment you have to cash in on the bargains you made with God, in hopes of getting to this point. I’ll be a better wife if You make his cancer go away. I’ll never want for material things if You just make him better. I’ll spend more time with my kids if You just keep our family together. I’ll pray 24 hours a day for the rest of my life. I’ll quit nagging my husband. I’ll donate more money to the church. I’ll stop trying to be in charge of my life, and instead be a servant of Your will. I’ll find an end to world hunger, I promise.
So now seems to be the time…the moment of calm within a violent storm…the time to show God what we’ve learned from this ordeal. How will we respond? Can I really find an end to world hunger?…because I promised…I bargained…I traded this for cancer.
Or did I? I mean, an end to world hunger? Seems I may have placed an impossible feat upon the life of my husband; albeit, he is worth it to me. But in all seriousness, this hunger deal is just an example. I would like to think that I didn’t do any bargaining with God. Instead, I choose to believe that I have promised God to take from this experience all that I hope He had intended for me, and to use this series of events to make me a better person, to get me to Heaven.
I’ve done a lot of pondering, as you can see from my post. I have prayed for guidance, for God to show me the way to accept this path of life. It is hard to live with a future of living or dying. Oh, wait…that is indeed the fate of each human, live then die. It is a true challenge for us to live while we are living. It is the ultimate challenge to trust God that these moments will not be short, that these moments of cancer NOT threatening Brian’s life will continue for many more years.
So comes the time to find a way to show God how we have been touched by Brian’s cancer battle. So comes the time to show how we have learned and grown into better people. So comes the time to bring about the Kingdom of God.
Whew! It seems as if there may be a bigger challenge in front of us than that which we have already faced.
I am reading a Max Lucado book, Traveling Light, which focuses on Psalm 23. This book reminds me that battling melanoma is not a burden we were meant to carry. No problem, because I happily give it up to One much more powerful, and who actually has the means to get something accomplished.
Deep breath…lots of thoughts…lots of faith…lots of trust.
The testing on the pancreatic drain showed a high amount of amylase (pancreatic fluid). This was not a surprise, but nonetheless, is still frustrating. The drain output also showed amounts of bacteria, and an antibiotic has been prescribed. There is not a plan other than the fact that the drain can’t come out until this finally takes care of itself. Brian only has 26 days of school left if I counted right, and he’s beginning to wonder if he’ll be able to return before summer. We are trusting that God will show his hand in this, and Brian will know and feel when the time is right. He continues to battle some nausea. We hope this is a post-gall bladder removal issue, and will improve soon. He will start his 2nd round of chemo on April 19th, and we pray that it attacks the melanoma growing on his back, as well as any other undetectable disease.
Here’s wishing you all a very special April 16th. What’s so special? Just look around you.
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