How it is...

Lately, my mind has spent a lot of time wondering about some really serious stuff. It is funny in an odd way, how a thought pops in my mind, and if I don't want to think about it, I can push it away. Again. And again. But eventually, it resurfaces, and I just have to let the thoughts play out and run their course. I've spent time feeling ashamed of my feelings, but finally come to realize they are just that, feelings. And often, scratching at one feeling uncovers another deeper feeling, and gives me the chance to come to terms with that.

Like being mad at Brian. How freaking crazy is that? But the thing is, I could tell him anything, and one day recently I just finally let it all out. I let him know how angry I am that he is gone, that he left me here to fend for myself, and that Tye doesn't have a daddy. I made it clear how angry I am about my feelings on our family, how the whole dynamics of our home have changed since he's been gone, and how much I want back what I had.  I quit beating around the bush, being all lovey dovey to him, and just let him know.  A lot came from that anger, such as me realizing it is the melanoma I'm angry with, not Brian. And also reminding myself that I am not alone, I have lots of love and support. Come on people, you know it isn't the same. But anyway, also knowing that we do indeed still have a family here to be a part of and love each other. And I am once again reminded that he is not coming back. That part I can't change.

I've been thinking a lot about death. You know, about what it really means to be dead. I drove past the cemetery the other day and thought, jeez, he will be there forever, in his very own spot of this earth.  I went to sleep that night and nightmared all night that I had found out I was dying. I was running all over, trying to finish up whatever needed to be done. Everyone was looking at me with pity. I had a lot of anxiety, but I was excited to see Brian.  Tye and the girls weren't in the dream, so I wasn't thinking about leaving them, more about my life on earth being over, and wondering if it mattered to anyone.  I was running through an airport, as if I was trying to catch a flight, and I felt relief that I wouldn't be heartbroken and full of such gut-wrenching sadness anymore.  I felt like I had waited a lifetime to get to see him again so I could have cared less that I was dying.

I jolted upright and awoke in a sobbing mess. I cried and cried and honestly wasn't sure why I was even crying.  I think a lot of it is that I don't feel Brian here with me. I don't feel his presence or sense him with me.  I don't feel his guidance, and even struggle to draw any strength. Like he vanished off the face of the earth, and I indeed am left to fend for myself.  I look back and can single out a few moments since his death, but I long for a peace that he is with me always.  I've heard about it, and I've read about it. I just don't feel it.  Saying it and thinking it doesn't make me feel it.

I've been thinking a lot about how someone can breathe in and out so many times in their life, and then suddenly just stop.  How in a moment, a life can be snuffed out, their purpose more clearly defined.  All present and future tenses wiped out of existence, and only the past remains.  Special moments become cherished memories.  The days become weeks and months, and eventually years.  Time passes to where the present starts to show no resemblance to the past.  New people come into our lives having known nothing of our loss, sometimes completely failing to ever really know us because of missing this important life-changing event.  I wasn't always a widow.  There was a life before this.  It is just getting pushed back even farther in my mind.  My loss is really no longer a recent event, more so my history.  So much has happened in 3 years and 7 months, and even I have moved forward.

But sometimes, in the quiet of the night, or in moments when I least expect it, I am thrust backwards as if no time has passed. The pain is suddenly as unbearable as the first moment I heard the word hospice or the feel of Brian's last breaths upon my cheek, the look of horror on Rachel's face when she first saw Brian after he had died, the sobs of Amberlea trying to wrap her head around it all, and the feel of Tye wiping my tears at Brian's funeral, begging me to stop crying.

More good memories run through my head than bad. Yet without warning, those other things are still very fresh. For everyone else, time has passed and maybe I should "get over it" or "move on". (my favorite lines). How judgmental. I will probably never again in my life feel the way I felt when I was with Brian, so I'm never going to feel bad for never getting over it.

I have almost forgotten what his voice sounds like. I swore I would never let that happen, and I feel even worse that if I have forgotten, Tye must struggle to remember. I planned to watch our wedding video, I've tried a few times, but I can't do it yet. Just the thought of how happy I was on that day, I don't know if I would survive watching it. Even so, I'm going to attempt sometime over the holidays, mostly because I miss him and I think I am finally to the point that I feel worse not watching it.

I am so thankful that I have an outlet for my feelings. I have been doing a lot of work with a widow and divorce support group, and taking time to reflect on my feelings and work through them has been such a blessing.  I wish I would have found this even sooner so I could have let some of the pain go. I wonder if I ever can let it all go.  It has indeed been my cross to bear, and I have begged the Lord to lighten my load. Somedays it does feel lighter, others even heavier than before.

I even wonder sometimes about the impact someone else can have on us. I think about how much Brian is missed and I wonder about myself. I wonder how I would be missed if I was gone.  Have I made an impact that would be felt in ripples the way Brian has? I wonder so much about me. What about me? Was this what God had planned for me? It seems like a stretch to figure out my purpose. I know it will all be revealed to me someday.  I just want so much to feel some push in some direction. I feel like I'm treading water. The past is gone and I can't see far enough into the future to understand what God wants from me.  I have begged him to show me the way, to bring me peace and use my life for His purpose.  Maybe I am even at the point of wondering if God is even listening. So often it has been as if my cries fell on deaf ears, that He did not see my anguish, or He did not care. I wonder if He is using my life as a tool within His wonderous creation to bring about good in something. I wonder why He chose me to suffer, and why His plan has included so much pain in my life.  I wonder if He knows I have surrendered all that I am for His good, or does He think I have given up? Does my willingness to give it all to God look like I'm not doing my part?  I'm no martyr. Bad things happen to good people.  I just always hoped I would find the good in it all. And then I wonder if that matters, if it really means anything if I myself find the good in it, as long as it is for the good of His divine plan.

I'm getting deep here, maybe realizing that a lot of my struggle is with my faith.  I know we are not puppets, yet I feel as if I have had no control over the devastating events that have shaped my life into what it is now.  I just refuse to believe my life is about picking up the pieces and surviving with what is left. Again, my purpose is not yet known, but I have faith that He already knows, and that is really all that matters.