Holy smoly, what is up today? I could get on here and write a whole bunch about how hunky dory everything is, how time has healed all wounds and God didn't give me more than I can handle. But the truth is, most days are like that, some bearable, some good, some great. But some just bite the big one and today seems to be one of those days. And when the floodgates open, man I can't seem to get the tears to stop. Figure maybe I will be cried out by the end of the day and I'll be good to go for a while.
Today I absolutely am so angry that I am the only parent left to raise Tye. I am so very thankful for Tye, but that is a given and I'm not going to go into that because I have always been more than clear on how much I love my kids. I can't begin to describe the heavy weight on my heart today, wondering how this child is going to turn out, wondering if I will survive all the homework fiascos and all the other challenges, multiplied by the fact that it all falls on my shoulders. I wanted so much today to pass the buck, to let someone else do the talking and let him know our expectations. There is no good cop bad cop in my house, I am always the bad cop. Or if I am the good cop, nothing gets accomplished.
And here I'm not even the one without the parent here, it is Tye...oh, wait, my mom is dead too, so there is no mom to call up and share my frustrations and get advice. It was all taken from me, and that is just how it feels right now.
I know my head will clear, hopefully soon, and I'll go back to what I know is true, that God is taking great care of us and I am strong and I can do this...yada yada yada. For tonight, I am just sad.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Jenni,
Boys can be INCREDIBLY difficult to raise because they are so different and just a bit "off" sometimes. No wonder you are mad! I would be furious (at who, I don't know but I'd be furious) if I had to do it on my own.
It is so not fair that Tye had a great dad and that Brian is gone now. It's just not fair. No words of wisdom from me... just a little agreement that it totally sucks and it's normal to think your kid is being a pill if that's what is going on.
I can only imagine the feelings of guilt you must sometimes have being his only living parent, but feeling like he is a royal pain in the butt is completely normal. And it's okay to be bad cop all the time. As long as he knows you love him, he doesn't really need a good cop at home.
Much love always.
I'm always, always here to listen and cheer you on. You are an amazing woman, but I know that me telling you you're amazing doesn't take away the frustration, grief, and just general shittiness of the situation.
I'm always here, quietly on the sidelines, waiting for whatever you need- never forget that!
Much love,
J.
Post a Comment