Random Thoughts

I have a lot of things on my mind tonight. I don't know if I'll say them all.

The letter came from the Heartland Lions Eye Bank on Saturday, notifying me that Brian's corneas were given to "recipients in Kentucky" and thanking me for helping Brian give the "Gift of Sight." It was easy, really, so if you are ever in the position to be able to do this, please consider it. I've imagined what Kentucky might look like to whoever is getting Brian's chance to see the world now.

I've been picking out a headstone. Pleasant. It is going ok, they are very helpful and sensitive. I know it is their business to deal with those who have recently lost a loved one, but it is still nice that they are making this as easy on me as possible. I'll post a picture once it is completed.

Several people have asked about a blog address for Jessica. As far as I know, she did not have a blog. Below is a link to her obituary.

http://www.legacy.com/CHARLOTTE/DeathNotices.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=108302785

The other night I finally dozed off (my sleeping is all messed up). I jolted awake with visions of Brian dying. It wasn't necessarily scary, I don't remember feeling scared. I remember just feeling devastated and overwhelmingly sad. I laid there and tried to think of some good memories, something to soothe my pain and help me get back to sleep. Random thought kept running through my head, mostly wondering what caused Brian's death. I guess my head knows that complications from melanoma stole his life, but my heart was trying to wrap itself around the fact that this started as a MOLE for God sakes! After nearly an hour, I did something I had thought about several times, I got out of bed and emailed Dr. Anderson and asked him to explain it to me. I included a disclaimer that I am likely a bit crazy right now, and also that I think I knew the answer, but asked him to enlighten me, nonetheless. Numerous times he has told me to write him or call if I have any questions, even now. So I decided I would take him up on the offer and see if his expertise could explain how I became a widow at 34 years old. I heard back from him tonight. It was a very nice note and he seemed obliged to answer my question, whether he thought I was crazy or not. What he thought was that I was grieving, and he was willing to answer any questions that might make me feel better. I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer. Even so, I got the answer, and it fits in with what my head has been telling me. I know it may all sound so obvious, that he died of melanoma. But so many of you saw him, you know what I mean...I needed to know what it is that was different starting in the few weeks before his death, different than had been over the months before when we could still enjoy our time together. I don't necessarily think this revelation will make me sleep any better, but at least the knowledge is there. The human body is an amazing and frustrating thing, and cancer wreaks havoc wherever it dwells.

I have been attempting to get out of the house and into public a little. It is still proving to be a challenge, especially the grocery store. I find myself focusing on the little things, the daddy pushing a child in a cart, the couple walking along holding hands, still the thought of what foods I might be able to get Brian to eat. I am working on breaking that cycle of thinking, and I find that each little thing is a huge step for me and makes the next things slightly easier. I am still battling a significant amount of anxiety, but I am chalking it up to the overwhelming responsibilities I have right now, and the fact that I need to get my life in order again. It will come, I know, and I look forward to that time. Until then, I'm just going a day at a time, which seems to be working for now.

This morning I told Tye...I love you. He said...who else loves me? He's getting used to me reminding him that Daddy loves him too, and it felt good that he asked about him before I got the chance to say it. When I snuggled with Tye tonight, we talked about Daddy. He said...I miss him, let's go get him. I gently reminded him that we can't go get him, remember? He said...hey Mom, let's get on a space rocket and go see him! How simple! He still divides up the characters on Backyardigans...he says he is Pablo and Daddy is Tyrone, and sometimes during the show he will come and tell me that he has switched now, and Daddy is Pablo. I always tell him that Daddy loved getting to be Pablo. Brian always pretended to banter with him about who got to be Pablo.

Duesing brought over a few boxes full of stuff that belonged to Brian...things from his locker and more things from his classroom. It seems odd, to know that someone else carried his stuff out of there, a place he loved so much, a place he wanted so desperately to be. There were some pictures that I was happy to get, lots of him coaching football and several with students...all pictures that were different than any others I had. They were mostly from the fall before he was diagnosed, and it felt good to see the pre-melanoma-ravaged Brian and remember the man I fell in love with. To those of you who knew him well, this was also the pre-buzz stage for his hair, when his hairdo took him 90 minutes each morning to keep it from sticking up like a troll's. I have no idea what I am going to do with all the other stuff, lots of knickknacky items from his room. Tye has latched onto a few monkeys he had (who knows why he had them?). Looking through the boxes just reminded me that this is over, that he is gone. I felt bad that he never got the chance to go back, that the last time he was there, he didn't know it would be his last time. It made me think of the night he decided to go to open house last fall, and I had trouble getting him out of there on time to get to a dance performance for Rachel and Amberlea. I wish I could have etched his smile in stone. I know there are a lot of excited, dedicated teachers at MMS. I doubt any of them could possibly have been as excited to be at the fall open house as Brian was that night. I tried so many times to get him to go back and visit. His reason for not going was his own, nothing about anyone else, just emotionally too much for him. He just could not say goodbye, and in the end, I think it was better that he left the school that night with a smile.

Gosh, I'm making myself cry again, although it doesn't take much right now. It feels good to cry and it actually feels good to feel bad so I can try to stop feeling so bad. Special memories of Brian do bring me comfort, and have crept into my thoughts more and more lately.

Hope you all have a safe week,
Jenni