Quiet Monday

Today has been a difficult day for me. The realization of what is happening is weighing heavily, as my heart never has completely switched over to that drive that worked so hard to find a way to save him. I find my emotions are still stuck in, what are we going to do for Brian to fix him; and my head and body are on autopilot, trying to figure out how to help him die peacefully. The waves of emotion are enough to make me want to throw up. The tears flowed more today, usually the nights are when I cry.

The 7th grade team came to visit Brian this morning. Houts, Ricks, Adwell and Moore, and also Wray who was subbing today (Brian always refers to them by their last names!), plus Brian's sub Beth. It was great to have them here, and hear the laughter that Brian cherished so much. Brian knew they were here and acknowledged a few things, but was very sleepy and hard to arouse.

The nurse and I did a lot of jostling today, with everything that needed to be done. He tolerated that well and did wake up for a little while. He was awake when a few other teachers arrived to bring dinner, and even asked them to stay a while. He slept through MJ's visit, but I know he knew she was here.

Brian's vital signs were good today. His body is strong. I've always said, his only real health problem is the melanoma, which is all it takes. Heck, he didn't even catch what everyone else in the house/town/state caught with the flu and strep. He also seems more restful, no anxiety and the sleepy times are longer and deeper.

I spent a lot of time today with the nurse, ditching some meds, deciding to crush/sprinkle a few, and changing the rest to liquid. This will help, as he has developed an aversion to swallowing pills over the weekend. I know there might come a time when he can't take this medicine at all, but for now we will continue to attempt the most important ones, like the anti-seizure, one to decrease swelling in the brain, ones to stop constipation, his antibiotic, and the one for anxiety.

I am drained tonight. I don't even know what else to say. I can't believe he is dying. I was trying to get myself ready, and then I finally realized that I will never be ready, I will never be ok with this, and I will never understand. All I want now is for Brian to be ready and to be free from pain, and I know that will overshadow my need to be prepared or accept this. I love him unconditionally, and I guess we never know what that commitment is going to entail. I told Cindy (our match maker) that I have no regrets about going on that first date with Brian...the love and joy that he has brought to my life and to the girls, Tye and the Halley family...that all completely outweighs the pain of the past 3 years. I would rather have loved Brian and been loved by him for this short time than to have never known this kind of love.

We have several visitors planned through the week. Please call before stopping by. Thank you for your surge of prayers, as we need them now, more than ever.

Jenni