Message from Heaven

I was hesitant to post this. Then I realized all of you have become a part of me in some way, blog readers from across the country and even some around the world, readers close to home and right here in Maryville. I knew when I started this blog that I would be opening myself up to all of you. I have no regrets, it has been therapeutic. We were forced into this battle, kicking and screaming. We live the blood, sweat, and tears every day. Many of you joined us from the first moments, and have been there from the start. Others have become a part of our journey along the way. And many of you we don't even know, who choose to be part of our lives for whatever reason. To all of you, thank you for being with us on this journey.

Plus, this blog is about life...life going on with melanoma. And I've decided not every moment has to be about melanoma.

Those of you that know me, or have come to know me through this blog, know that I lost my mom in April 2006 to a heart attack. It was a tragedy for our family and friends, having such a wonderful woman, mother, wife, sister, Grammie, aunt, and friend lost at 53 years old. Each of us has mourned her loss in our own ways, each unique.

My own grief has been largely defined by Brian's illness, as he started getting sick again within about a month of her death. I have barely stopped to miss my mom because it hurts too bad, and it was just too much to think of her being dead and Brian's life being threatened. I felt like it was too close, like I actually was feeling what it would be like to lose Brian. I tried to deal with the issue separately, but finally realized that these two things happened in my life simultaneously, and they both had to be dealt with.

Gosh, I'm really going out on a limb to share this with you, but I want you to know the background to my punch line!

I battled the feeling of abandonment all summer and even recently. I know she didn't abandon me, but that is how it felt. It felt like our relationship was just severed that night she died. So many tell me about feelings of their loved ones when they are gone, and it just hasn't been there for me. I go to the cemetery and feel stupid talking to a stone. I ask my mom for help and really don't think she can hear me, but I'm trying. I felt guilty because so many have loved and cared for me throughout this loss...my dad, the rest of my family, lots of friends. But my mom was my mom, and there just isn't a substitute.

Lately, it has been very difficult. I miss my mom so much I can't breathe. I want a mom to be there for me, to help me be strong and hold me up so I can be there for Brian. Last night was a rough night. I was working at school again, and trying to make arrangements for Tye for when we are gone. I just wanted so bad for my mom to be here to swoop in and take a load off. She always knew what to say. It doesn't change anything about how important everyone else in my life is, it is just about my relationship with my mom, or whether or not I even still have that anymore. I cried when I left school because I want Brian to always be there for me to call home when I'm leaving in the dark; then I started thinking about how much my life could change without him. I felt so sad. I wasn't sure if I was crying about Brian or my mom or what, but maybe it was just about my life in general. I just came home and went to bed.

Then the strangest thing happened this morning at school. I received these beautiful roses.

There was a card, but it is unsigned. I will keep to myself the exact words; in general, it reminded me that my mom is here and surrounding me with love, that she is working through those who are reaching out to me, and that she is pulling for us in Heaven.

My mom loved yellow.

I'm not sure what else to say. It did feel like I got flowers from Heaven. It was the first time in 533 days that I felt my mom's presence, and that I did feel like she was right here with me, through all of this. Rachel was shocked when she read the card and asked me if I really thought they were from Heaven. I asked her what she thought. In her cute innocence, she said...well, how would He get them here? I said...well, I think God works through other people, maybe just by giving someone else the feeling of what I needed at just this exact moment.

I have several people in mind who could have been responsible because there are many who knew my mom and know me, and know what we are missing out on because she is gone. But whoever it was, their wish was to just be anonymous. So I'll say here, thank you for making today special for me, for helping me feel close to my mom again. It just may have been the turning point I needed.

So my question to you tonight...how is the Holy Spirit working in your life? How are you doing God's work? Faith is a mystery to me, awesome and real.

Thank you for your continued prayers for our family, for the meals, house cleaning, money for expenses, notes, prayers, lawn mowing...I could go on and on about the kindness of others. The world is a wonderful place, often overshadowed by violence, war and hatred, as well as illness and suffering. But for each of us, this day was a gift, wasted by many, treasured by few.

Today was a treasure to me.