Heavy Thinking

What an amazing event yesterday! And just as Brian and I had hoped, it sure looked like everyone was having a great time at the dodge ball tournament! We were overwhelmed with the turnout. Thanks especially to Cris Jacobson and the St. Gregory's Youth Group, as well as all others who pitched in to help throughout the day. Things were so well-organized, and it was such a humbling experience to see so many reaching out to us to support us during this most difficult time.

We were most impressed by the great outfits! I hope to post some pictures soon. Check out the article and picture of some teachers on Brian's team on the front of Tuesday's paper.

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I don't feel like I did the dodge ball tournament justice on this blog entry tonight. I promise to post more later, but am simply worn out. I have decided to take the rest of the week off to care for Brian. Denise went home late this evening after I finished one round of conferences. Even though conference time is always hectic and time-consuming, it was great to meet with my students and parents. I realize daily that Brian's melanoma is so far-reaching, and touches the lives of so many. I told the 6th graders one day that even though I couldn't do anything about it, I was sorry they had to deal with the fact that their teacher's husband is sick. I always have said that when a person has cancer, everyone around them has cancer. Each facet of our lives is affected, and I am proud of how resilient my students have been. Those caring for them in my absence have no doubt given extra support that has made this all easier.

We are leaving in the morning for a quick trip to see the neurologist. My dad is going with us because it seems we have lost our independence completely. For now, the days are gone of being able to function with the two of us. We progressed from Brian caring for himself, to me caring for him, to now needing a 3rd and sometimes 4th person to really do anything. Even just the day-to-day functions within our household are more than I can always take care of. It just seems to be another thing that melanoma has taken from us. I know that it was hard for Denise to leave tonight, as Brian is still in a lot of pain. I am hoping to find a way to kind of spread out the help so that we can all maintain some form of normalcy, and that we as a family can try to maintain our home life...we'll see how long that lasts. So many have offered to come sit with Brian, and I may start taking people up on that for short durations, like running to the store, taking the kids to the park...other than that, Brian is somewhat reluctant for help from the wide population because he is trying to maintain his dignity while needing a great amount of physical help. Please know that we are grateful for your support and offers, and are working to find the best resolve for Brian. I have found already that I will need to take breaks often, and I'm hoping that will work itself out for when other family members can stay with Brian. I feel like up until a few weeks ago, we could at least carry on as a family does in the evenings, with dinner, homework, chatting, maybe an outing. Now we are back to Brian sleeping and keeping the house quiet, the 4 of us eating alone, and him constantly in need of care. It is exhausting, yet I wouldn't be anywhere else. I look at him and wonder if I'll ever go back to feeling like his wife or will I always feel like a caregiver now? I am saddened to see what has happened to him, and struggle terribly with the feeling that I have failed him. I don't blame myself for the way this evil disease has progressed; yet, I feel so bad that I have been taking care of him, and he keeps getting worse. I guess as a parent, I am used to caring for our kids when they have the flu, and then they feel better and go back to school...I give the soup and meds and pamper them a little or a lot and things go back to normal. And with this, I have given and given, and it never feels like enough, it never feels good enough, and it never works. Again, I know I'm not to blame. I am sure a lot of caregivers feel this way...I feel like the harder I work and the more I sacrifice or we sacrifice as a family, the worse this gets...almost like it is spiteful. Most always before Brian was able to maintain his sense of humor, and his personality shined through, even when he was feeling the worst. But lately it is hard to see any form of the man I fell in love with because he is so encompassed with being sick, sleepy, or in pain.

All that said...I do think he was somewhat better yesterday. It was the first day out of the last 10 or so that he stayed awake for that duration of time. I even saw a smile here and there, and he did enjoy himself. I think maybe it took his mind off of how he was feeling. He was very tired today from the long day yesterday, and hopefully he is rested for the trip tomorrow.

Please keep Tammy Brown and her family in your prayers, as Bryce's funeral is tomorrow. We also pray tonight for Mike, Dave, and Keith, and so many fighting melanoma. We also pray for Dean, who will have surgery tomorrow to remove abdominal mets. And I also pray for those of you out there who took a skin check guide...keep yourself safe from this awful disease and really look yourself over. We can only hope the devastation this disease has caused so many can be a positive in saving someone else.

Many blessings as always for a week full of precious moments,
Jenni