Halley Family

9 Years

2012-01-03T18:00:00.001-06:00

9 years.

And yet it seems like a lifetime ago.

Or only yesterday.

9 years ago tonight I walked down the aisle and became Mrs. Brian Halley.

Thank you, Brian, for showing me what a real marriage is, and how to love unconditionally. Thank you for always encouraging me, and for believing in me. Thank you for loving my girls and giving me Tye.

We alternated who was in charge of the anniversary plans. I took care of the 1st anniversary, since he had planned a little honeymoon getaway. We went to Cheaper by the Dozen, and I was almost 8 months preganant by then. We shopped for a carseat, then came back to get frozen custard at Sheridan's. Which was closed for the evening. So we ended up at Baskin Robbins.

By my count, it should be my turn again. What I wouldn't give to go back to those days of pure love and innocence, a life not yet ravaged by cancer. I would take him to the new Brazilian restaurant in St. Joe because I just have a feeling he would totally have loved it. Whatever else we would do would hardly matter, just spending time together was so precious to us both.

I almost went to the cemetery today. But I didn't. Not now. I went over the weekend because the weather was nice, and I hadn't gone for Christmas. My dad had his grave decorated so nice for the Christmas season. I sat on his grave with the wind blowing and the sun shining. I still wanted to just crawl in there with him, just to stop feeling so sad. So today, I didn't feel like going. Tye was excited to repeatedly tell me Happy Anniversary, and when we sat down for dinner, he asked if this was an anniversary dinner. He ate for a while, then said he thought that his dad would have liked this dinner. Made me smile.

Time is passing so quickly. We celebrated 5 anniversaries together, and now I have celebrated 4 more without him. It isn't fair. It never is. The years will continue to pass, and I will never forget how I felt the day I married him.

I miss you, Brian, now and always!

A Day That Lives On in Infamy

2011-11-10T00:01:00.022-06:00

He knocked on my door. I was waiting for him. I acted like I wasn't waiting for him. I think I had been waiting for him my whole life. I had never seen him before. Heck, I had never even heard of him until a mutual friend (thanks Cindy) called to see if it was ok for her to give him my number. I figured, why not? Either something special will grow from this, or I will make a new friend. When he called me earlier in the week to see if I would like to go to dinner, the conversation was relaxed and easy.

And then the day came. And he suddenly was on the other side of the door. My heart raced, mostly because of the unknown. I had a lot of baggage. I was hurt and damaged. I was healing and didn't need to be hurt again.

Even so, I opened the door. My first thought was...yep, he's short. Second thought, very handsome. He would later tell me that his first thought was...wow, she has big hair. Tee hee! As he stepped into my house and introduced himself, it felt as if we had already met. My anxiety and nervousness disappeared. He glanced up at the pictures on the wall, those of my 2 very young daughters. He nodded towards the pictures, as if acknowledging my baggage, then smiled and said...they are adorable. He never treated them like baggage from that moment forward, instead like added bonuses.

Today is a difficult day for me. It has now been 10 years since that day, Nov. 10, 2001, when Brian Halley walked into my life and changed the course of my future. He showed me how to love, how to really love, how to be loved. He brought much laughter and happiness into each day. He made me feel like a million dollars, offering me encouragement, compliments, advice and friendship. He made me feel alive and evoked in me a passion for life. I fell in love with him over and over again in the coming months and years. He was genuinely fun to be with. His whitty humor, his ornery smile, I tried to soak in all of his affection and love. He always put the girls and me before himself.

A few months after we met, I stopped by his house one day for a few minutes. I was trying to tell him a story about something that had happened that day. He kept kissing me and interrupting the story. Then he jumped to his feet, turned on the stereo to this song, and whisked me around the house. When the song ended, I burst into tears. He kept saying, Sweetie, what is wrong? I was overwhelmed with his love, and thought then that I could not live without him. That is the song we are dancing to at our wedding in the picture below.

Loving Brian for our short time together here on earth was enough. I figure if I say it over and over again, maybe I will eventually believe it. I am selfish and want him here with me, and I know I will never stop loving him. But in truth, I love him enough to know that Heaven is where he belongs now, this earth could not keep him, I could not keep him. It is true, what they say about loving someone so much that you put their needs above yours. You see, Brian did that for me almost everyday we were together. So it was my gift back to him, to put his needs before my own, and to let him go on to live eternally with the Father, free from a cancer only Heaven could cure. Oh sure, he was headed out, whether I gave him permission to go or not. I love him enough to want him in Heaven instead of physically suffering here with us. The love we shared was enough to sustain me, to change me for the better, to permeate my soul.

My life was inexplicably changed by the existence of this amazing man, and I am thankful each day for the impact he has made on my life. I will die happy someday, hopefully a long time down the road, knowing I had a love of a lifetime, one that so many only wish for but will never experience. And I know he will be waiting for me. I imagine what that moment will be like. I imagine seeing him and feeling like no time has passed since we were together, even if it has been 50 years. I imagine his arms around me, and long for that feeling of security, comfort and love that I felt each day with him.

I wonder about him now. I know he would be proud of me, at least I hope so. I also know he would have words of encouragement, and would want so much for me not to be hurting. His smile is etched forever in my heart and mind. I am so thankful for that day in early November 2001, a day that changed the course of my history and brought to me one of the biggest blessings of my life. Cancer could not take those precious memories from me, and only made our love stronger. His humor and whit lives on in our son, his love lives on in my heart.

How it is...

2011-10-30T23:44:00.001-05:00

Lately, my mind has spent a lot of time wondering about some really serious stuff. It is funny in an odd way, how a thought pops in my mind, and if I don't want to think about it, I can push it away. Again. And again. But eventually, it resurfaces, and I just have to let the thoughts play out and run their course. I've spent time feeling ashamed of my feelings, but finally come to realize they are just that, feelings. And often, scratching at one feeling uncovers another deeper feeling, and gives me the chance to come to terms with that.

Like being mad at Brian. How freaking crazy is that? But the thing is, I could tell him anything, and one day recently I just finally let it all out. I let him know how angry I am that he is gone, that he left me here to fend for myself, and that Tye doesn't have a daddy. I made it clear how angry I am about my feelings on our family, how the whole dynamics of our home have changed since he's been gone, and how much I want back what I had. I quit beating around the bush, being all lovey dovey to him, and just let him know. A lot came from that anger, such as me realizing it is the melanoma I'm angry with, not Brian. And also reminding myself that I am not alone, I have lots of love and support. Come on people, you know it isn't the same. But anyway, also knowing that we do indeed still have a family here to be a part of and love each other. And I am once again reminded that he is not coming back. That part I can't change.

I've been thinking a lot about death. You know, about what it really means to be dead. I drove past the cemetery the other day and thought, jeez, he will be there forever, in his very own spot of this earth. I went to sleep that night and nightmared all night that I had found out I was dying. I was running all over, trying to finish up whatever needed to be done. Everyone was looking at me with pity. I had a lot of anxiety, but I was excited to see Brian. Tye and the girls weren't in the dream, so I wasn't thinking about leaving them, more about my life on earth being over, and wondering if it mattered to anyone. I was running through an airport, as if I was trying to catch a flight, and I felt relief that I wouldn't be heartbroken and full of such gut-wrenching sadness anymore. I felt like I had waited a lifetime to get to see him again so I could have cared less that I was dying.

I jolted upright and awoke in a sobbing mess. I cried and cried and honestly wasn't sure why I was even crying. I think a lot of it is that I don't feel Brian here with me. I don't feel his presence or sense him with me. I don't feel his guidance, and even struggle to draw any strength. Like he vanished off the face of the earth, and I indeed am left to fend for myself. I look back and can single out a few moments since his death, but I long for a peace that he is with me always. I've heard about it, and I've read about it. I just don't feel it. Saying it and thinking it doesn't make me feel it.

I've been thinking a lot about how someone can breathe in and out so many times in their life, and then suddenly just stop. How in a moment, a life can be snuffed out, their purpose more clearly defined. All present and future tenses wiped out of existence, and only the past remains. Special moments become cherished memories. The days become weeks and months, and eventually years. Time passes to where the present starts to show no resemblance to the past. New people come into our lives having known nothing of our loss, sometimes completely failing to ever really know us because of missing this important life-changing event. I wasn't always a widow. There was a life before this. It is just getting pushed back even farther in my mind. My loss is really no longer a recent event, more so my history. So much has happened in 3 years and 7 months, and even I have moved forward.

But sometimes, in the quiet of the night, or in moments when I least expect it, I am thrust backwards as if no time has passed. The pain is suddenly as unbearable as the first moment I heard the word hospice or the feel of Brian's last breaths upon my cheek, the look of horror on Rachel's face when she first saw Brian after he had died, the sobs of Amberlea trying to wrap her head around it all, and the feel of Tye wiping my tears at Brian's funeral, begging me to stop crying.

More good memories run through my head than bad. Yet without warning, those other things are still very fresh. For everyone else, time has passed and maybe I should "get over it" or "move on". (my favorite lines). How judgmental. I will probably never again in my life feel the way I felt when I was with Brian, so I'm never going to feel bad for never getting over it.

I have almost forgotten what his voice sounds like. I swore I would never let that happen, and I feel even worse that if I have forgotten, Tye must struggle to remember. I planned to watch our wedding video, I've tried a few times, but I can't do it yet. Just the thought of how happy I was on that day, I don't know if I would survive watching it. Even so, I'm going to attempt sometime over the holidays, mostly because I miss him and I think I am finally to the point that I feel worse not watching it.

I am so thankful that I have an outlet for my feelings. I have been doing a lot of work with a widow and divorce support group, and taking time to reflect on my feelings and work through them has been such a blessing. I wish I would have found this even sooner so I could have let some of the pain go. I wonder if I ever can let it all go. It has indeed been my cross to bear, and I have begged the Lord to lighten my load. Somedays it does feel lighter, others even heavier than before.

I even wonder sometimes about the impact someone else can have on us. I think about how much Brian is missed and I wonder about myself. I wonder how I would be missed if I was gone. Have I made an impact that would be felt in ripples the way Brian has? I wonder so much about me. What about me? Was this what God had planned for me? It seems like a stretch to figure out my purpose. I know it will all be revealed to me someday. I just want so much to feel some push in some direction. I feel like I'm treading water. The past is gone and I can't see far enough into the future to understand what God wants from me. I have begged him to show me the way, to bring me peace and use my life for His purpose. Maybe I am even at the point of wondering if God is even listening. So often it has been as if my cries fell on deaf ears, that He did not see my anguish, or He did not care. I wonder if He is using my life as a tool within His wonderous creation to bring about good in something. I wonder why He chose me to suffer, and why His plan has included so much pain in my life. I wonder if He knows I have surrendered all that I am for His good, or does He think I have given up? Does my willingness to give it all to God look like I'm not doing my part? I'm no martyr. Bad things happen to good people. I just always hoped I would find the good in it all. And then I wonder if that matters, if it really means anything if I myself find the good in it, as long as it is for the good of His divine plan.

I'm getting deep here, maybe realizing that a lot of my struggle is with my faith. I know we are not puppets, yet I feel as if I have had no control over the devastating events that have shaped my life into what it is now. I just refuse to believe my life is about picking up the pieces and surviving with what is left. Again, my purpose is not yet known, but I have faith that He already knows, and that is really all that matters.

And the Wave Continues

2011-09-19T20:19:00.000-05:00

Holy smoly, what is up today? I could get on here and write a whole bunch about how hunky dory everything is, how time has healed all wounds and God didn't give me more than I can handle. But the truth is, most days are like that, some bearable, some good, some great. But some just bite the big one and today seems to be one of those days. And when the floodgates open, man I can't seem to get the tears to stop. Figure maybe I will be cried out by the end of the day and I'll be good to go for a while.
Today I absolutely am so angry that I am the only parent left to raise Tye. I am so very thankful for Tye, but that is a given and I'm not going to go into that because I have always been more than clear on how much I love my kids. I can't begin to describe the heavy weight on my heart today, wondering how this child is going to turn out, wondering if I will survive all the homework fiascos and all the other challenges, multiplied by the fact that it all falls on my shoulders. I wanted so much today to pass the buck, to let someone else do the talking and let him know our expectations. There is no good cop bad cop in my house, I am always the bad cop. Or if I am the good cop, nothing gets accomplished.

And here I'm not even the one without the parent here, it is Tye...oh, wait, my mom is dead too, so there is no mom to call up and share my frustrations and get advice. It was all taken from me, and that is just how it feels right now.

I know my head will clear, hopefully soon, and I'll go back to what I know is true, that God is taking great care of us and I am strong and I can do this...yada yada yada. For tonight, I am just sad.

9/11

2011-09-11T16:15:00.000-05:00

I am just going to come right out there and say what I am thinking. How in the world these 9/11 families can handle the hype surrounding the 10th anniversary of that horrible day when they lost their loved one is beyond me. I am not agreeing or disagreeing with what has taken place today and over the past month in preparation for today. I am just trying to wrap my head around it. Everyone grieves so differently, how have the big wigs who have organized and orchestrated all of what has happened as far as memorials even been able to consider these differences? I am not an expert on grief, just very experienced. And I am thinking without a doubt that all of this seriously has had to hurt some more than it has helped them. It was quite a touching tribute to hear all of those names said at ground zero today. I liked that they were each their own individual, each a life worth remembering instead of all lumped together. I didn't like the news commentator saying...ok, we are taking you back now to relive those horrifying moments...seriously, do you hear yourself? And what about the children of 9/11? What heartbreak this has to have been for them. Especially the ones who were so little. I can't help but think that some, not all, but some will mourn September 11, 2011, more than they did in 2001, simply because they were not old enough. How do I know that? I don't for sure, just suspect. I know that Tye being as young as he was became a blessing in some regards. Can you imagine me taking each traumatic and horrifying step through Brian's death and telling Tye all about it, plastering it all over the t.v. Repeatedly. For. the. last. month? I just can't believe that is the right thing for all 3,000 of those children who lost a parent. Oh, and my favorite...already have heard it from the mouths of so many reporters to those directly involved...do you miss him? have the last 10 years been hard growing up without a dad? Or even worse...how did you feel when you realized he was dead? What did you think when you realized the towers collapsed?

I think the thing that is of most concern to me are those who have successfully be able to heal in a healthy way and move forward. Who would otherwise mark the 10th anniversary of their loved one's death quietly, privately, personally. Or those who have struggled to take any steps forward, and have finally been putting one foot in front of the other. Does this overwhelming response/reaction whatever it is called for the 10th anniversary help the cause for them or hinder it. No doubt, there are many who have been able to move forward, and this is a moment they expected, they embrace, and remember. For others, it may turn out to be a very good turning point in their grief, a chance to share and move beyond.

I have thought a lot about myself and kids this weekend. How would I feel if there was a designated time in our lives that I HAD to relive the horrors of losing Brian or my mom. Those thoughts come already without warning.

What a very difficult day for thousands of people directly, and for our nation as a whole. One of my students asked...how many people were affected by 9/11? My response...we don't know for sure, but it is very widespread and multi-leveled. And so much grief to deal with. My prayers are with all of those who lost someone they love. May they be blessed with the chance to grieve and heal.

What Have You Got to Lose?

2011-09-06T20:25:00.001-05:00

Beginning Experience Brochure - click on the link for more info and to register. Note - if you want to attend the KC BE weekend, please contact me so I can let you know the correct address to send your registration. Also, our deposit is only $25, with the total weekend being $160 (room, board, all meals). We also have financial assistance available for part or all of the cost. If you are outside of our area, please search to find another location near you.

Here's what I've been up to lately. What a blessing this has been in my life. I attended my own BE weekend in November 2010, and then helped fascilitate weekends in March and July 2011. We are now preparing for our October retreat.

“What Have You Got to Lose?”

Beginning Experience is an official ministry of the Catholic Church. Founded in 1974, the support program is for divorced, separated and widowed individuals of any denomination. It is intended to facilitate the resolution of the grief surrounding the ending of a marriage relationship and to promote healing.

The Beginning Experience Weekend is the foundation of the program. Most people who attend a BE Weekend find it to be a life changing event that sets them on the road through their grief in a safe and loving environment. The BE Weekend has proven to be a means to an efficient and permanent solution over the grief from the loss of a relationship. The process through grief is not quick, but the BE Weekend is a catalyst in true healing. The next Beginning Experience Weekend Retreat is October 21-23 at the peaceful Sanctuary of Hope Prayer Center in Kansas City KS.

The BE Weekend is facilitated by persons who have themselves experienced the loss of a spouse and know firsthand the many confusing feelings of anger, discouragement, despair, lack of trust, fear, guilt and hopelessness, associated with such a loss. Whether through a death or a divorce, the loss of a relationship and the accompanying loss of hopes and dreams are real. All facilitators are trained to be good listeners, to ask questions that encourage participants to look inside themselves, and to stay on target. However, retreat facilitators are not professional counselors, and individuals currently in counseling are asked to obtain the permission of their counselor before attending the Beginning Experience Weekend.

The Beginning Experience, now an international ministry, is offered in our area three times a year. Participants spend Friday evening until Sunday afternoon in a safe, retreat-like environment. The BE experience provides support and direction and offers participants an opportunity to reevaluate their lives and to move on to the future with renewed hope while maintaining respect for the past.

BE was originated by a Roman Catholic nun who was working as a counselor and includes Catholic traditions such as Mass at the conclusion of the weekend, but the weekend is not limited to Catholics. All single-again Christians will benefit from the principles of the Weekend and are welcomed and encouraged to attend. The cost of the retreat is $160, which includes food, board and supplies. Financial assistance is available upon request. For additional information on the history and general programs, visit the Beginning Experience website at www.beginningexperience.org, or find us on Facebook search: Beginning Experience of Greater Kansas City.

Advance registration for the October 21-23 weekend is required, as space is limited. For questions or to register, contact me directly, or call Kim at (816) 739-4733 or John at (913) 219-3465.

Red, White and Very Blue

2011-07-04T01:19:00.000-05:00

Wow, it amazes me how grief can creep back in when you least expect it. I have really been missing Brian the last few days. I always miss him, not a day goes by that I don't have that hole in my heart feeling. But the last few days has been the missing him I can't think straight did this really happen type. It will pass. I know it will. Maybe that is why I just let these feelings happen now instead of fighting it, because this phase will pass. It still is fascinating to me as to why these days have been harder. Did something happen? Not that I can think of. A certain memory? No any more memorable than a whole lot of other things...

I think it is the family part. The family part of the 4th of July. My inability to create new memories because they aren't the memories I want to be having. Yet, this is now the 4th July 4th without Brian. Get over it already. I figure there are so many people out there who think that. And if you do, you are so very wrong. It just doesn't work like that. Just get past it already. Doesn't work like that either.

But it is indeed healthy to move ahead in a forward motion. I don't view it as moving on, more as moving down a different path than previously set. Still, at any moment, without warning, I can be transported back to a second or minute, even an hour or day or two, that the grief just hurts to bad to move in any direction. Then, without much warning, I'm back on the path towards healing.

I am missing Brian's company so badly. He was so fun to be around, always made me laugh and always was interested in everything. I miss his smile. I was thinking of him and his face, and a feeling a dread came over me, that I could not recall what his nose looked like. I felt panic coming on, and then sadness that I thought his face was forever etched into my memory. I can still hear his voice in my head, and I fear the day that I can't remember. I feel lonely and like a part of me is missing, even after all this time. I wonder if I have really accepted Brian's death, and realize that yes, I have accepted that he is dead, my brain was totally wrapped around that as it was happening. But I'm not sure, actually I'm pretty sure, that I haven't begun to accept that my hopes and dreams for our life together died that day too. Our future together was a casualty of his battle with cancer. His life was taken, but so much more was also wiped out. A son growing up with his father to take him fishing, or shoot off fireworks, or learn to play baseball...a wife crawling into bed alone, planning vacations alone, making all the decisions alone.

I just wanted what we started out with, a future full of love and support, a real family. Am I terrible to feel like the 4 of us are still struggling to be a "real" family? What makes a "real" family? I'm not even sure. There are families out there with a mom and dad who are far from being anything close to a real family.

I think I am also missing just feeling loved. Really loved. The quick hugs I get from my kids are practically the only human contact I have, how sad is that? I miss the love I felt when Brian wrapped his arms around me, or snuggled up next to me on the couch.

I do think some of it is the holidays. I miss my mom terribly on any holidays, mostly because the concept of family that I was raised with died when she did. I miss Brian to be here to make plans with, to be a part of the celebration, to make memories with. I know it is importatant to continue making memories, and that is what I will focus on. I keep thinking this will all get easier, and maybe even some days it is actually easier than it was. I know a few other melanoma warriors who are very sick and suffering right now, and I am so very thankful that Brian is free from the pain inflicted by melanoma. I just wonder when the pain that melanoma inflicted on me will ever pass. I wonder if the cruel reality of the disease that left me here without him will ever get easier.

Today it doesn't feel like it. Probably in a day or so, I'll feel better and can move along my new path again.

An Amazing Night

2011-05-14T13:29:00.001-05:00

It is a funny feeling, knowing we have made it to a big milestone in our lives. Last night was Rachel's 8th grade graduation, which is a big celebration at our school. I love her so much!

Tim, Rachel and Jenni

I know I speak for Tim also when I say that we are very proud of the young woman she has become. She makes me laugh and her beautiful smile can light up a room.

I took the last few hours of the day off on Friday, just to be sure the house was up to par and I was ready for the upcoming night. She came home from having her hair done, and I burst into tears. She hugged me great big and said it will be ok! I told her I was crying happy tears. I guess I figure it is an accomplishment that she isn't totally screwed up by now, considering the obstacles of our life with a divorce and death to deal with. I also cried because I know Brian would be so proud of her, and this was just one more event he isn't here to share. Thankfully, Brian's parents were here, and his brother and his wife and kids came too. It made me feel close to Brian, knowing that we are still a family, and they were there to celebrate. My dad and Martha were also there, and so were Karis and Zeke, TJ and Erin, Tori, Don and Luke, and Jacob and Rosie. I am so very thankful for our family, and for them being there to show their support of Rachel as she ends one chapter of her life and begins another.

I held back the tears as Rachel packed up her things and 10 years of her life at St. Gregory's came to an end. 10 years of coming to school with me. 10 years of getting to be a part of so much of her life, just because I teach there. I think that is something I will miss the most. I will be honest to say I am to the point that I will not miss being her teacher. We got along very well, aside from a few times, but I am happy to go back to just being the mom!

Apparently I'm not the only one who cried over this. I didn't know until later, but the younger students lined up in the entryway to tell the 8th graders good-bye as they left at 12:20. I guess Tye was bawling his head off. He cried at graduation too when one of the speeches was about leaving. I was able to hold it together at graduation for the most part, until Amberlea started crying during the parent song. We just love Rachel so much, and I hope she always knows that.

I cried also because I know in my heart that these next 4 years are going to fly by. In no time at all, we will be planning a high school graduation party, as well as getting ready for college. Whew! I am excited though, for what this next chapter will bring, and look forward to her high school years.

Thoughts on the Death of My Mother

2011-04-19T23:03:00.001-05:00

Just sitting and thinking tonight about my beautiful mother, feeling so far from her and trying to wrap my head around the fact that she has been dead for 5 years now. As I type this, the hour has passed for the last time I saw her. I was out running errands and she called me to remind me she had not given me the money for a fundraiser that Rachel and Amberlea were involved in. I told her I would run by, and have always believed God knew I needed to be there that night. I had not seen my mom since Sunday, which was Easter. It was now Wednesday night, and I hurriedly stopped in to visit. I had the girls with me, and Dad was working in the yard. Mom and I chatted, and then I rushed out to get the girls home for bed. I said I love you, and see you later, and off I went. I can see it in my head like it just happened, and considering I LIVE in the house where it all happened, it has replayed in my head many times. While I don't regret much of anything with my mom, I do regret leaving that night without hugging her. I have often fought the anger I feel in not knowing that death was staring me in the face, that tragedy and loss were lingering in the air. I came home, got everyone to bed, and that was the end of my life as I knew it.

I woke shortly before 3am to the phone ringing. I nearly broke my neck getting to the kitchen to answer it. A million things ran through my mind as to why the phone was ringing. My brother was on the other end, telling me that Mom woke Dad up and now she isn't breathing. I took that to mean that she had woken him up and was now having trouble. He did say that the paramedics were there and had been working on her for almost a half an hour. I said I would be right there and raced in to get dressed. I was shaking violently, and Brian was saying to calm down. I brushed my teeth.

Yes.

I brushed my freaking teeth. How do I remember? Because I rammed the toothbrush up into my teeth and bruised my gums, and it hurt for like a week.

What the heck? I have no clue, other than my head was seriously thinking I was leaving the house and going to be heading to the hospital to stay for a while. As I rounded the corner to head down the steps, I stumbled and nearly took a dive down the steps. Again, Brian was asking me if I was ok, and I remember telling him I would call him, and that I didn't know what to expect, but that we might end up in St. Joe or KC. It never crossed my mind that she was dead.

Never.

I sped from my house to my parents. I didn't care if the cops stopped me or not. I raced up Walnut Street and pulled in the driveway to find no ambulance. I jumped out of the van and Erin said she would drive us. I got back in and it was a barrage of questions, what was happening, come on let's hurry. I know she was talking, but I didn't hear anything. I think that Jacob was driving Erin's van. We all pulled in the hospital parking lot, and I jumped out and sprinted towards the front door. My heart was racing, and as I got closer, I realized that I was alone. I looked over my shoulder and Jacob, Dad and Erin were just walking slowly across the parking lot arm in arm. I felt desperate. Come on! Jacob was shaking his head, and Dad said something about how long they had been working on her.

Then I saw through the heavy weight of terror, and I knew. The next 30 minutes were a complete blurr. We could not get ahold of Karis, as her husband worked nights and she wasn't answering her phone. Since she lived out towards Conception at the time, we called the sheriff to go notify her. It was awful, and I can only imagine how terrible that was for her.

Finally, the nurse came to the door. My immediate thought was, well she must be stable because they didn't have to work on her very long. Then I could see her face. She is someone our family knows, and she looked so incredibly sad as she told us there was nothing they could do. I remember thinking what a crappy job she has to get stuck being the one to go tell the family. I could hear this awful screaming, and suddenly realized it was me. I could hear myself, but could not stop. The betrayal I felt from a God I had previously felt so close to was undescribable, and has never fully healed. We were in a small window of time that there was no sign of Brian's cancer, and it was as if I deserved this pain.

I lost my innocence that day. From then on, anything was possible. Any tragedy, sadness, pain, I was not immune. I stood in the ER and stared at my mom, the woman I had seen just 6 hours before, full of love and life, now cold and lifeless.

Since then, I get the feeling every once in a while, sometimes more often than others, that I want my mommy...that kindergarten feeling that all you want is your mom, maybe not for any reason other than it feels good. I want to go back and hug her, to tell her again and again what a great mother she was. And losing her was not an isolated incident...it is a series of subsequent losses....each lost grandparents day, missing Jacob's wedding, the births of Isaiah and Luke, even little things like Rachel's first boyfriend, or hearing Amberlea play the bells, seeing Tye play baseball, or Rachel graduate from 8th grade, or even having to endure the loss of Brian without her support.

I often wonder what she would think of how life is now, without her. I think she would be very happy that I live in her house, the house that she and dad were so very excited about planning and building. I know some things would probably make her sad too.

I was thinking today how quickly the 5 years have gone. In 5 more years, Rachel will be finishing her freshman year in college, Amberlea will be 16 and Tye will be in 6th grade. Time just ticks away.

It felt good to get it all down, and to reflect on what has happened. I am exhausted and headed to sleep, although I am camping out on the couch tonight. Since I now own my parents' house, I'm just not sure I feel up to spending the night in the room where my mom died. Not tonight anyway.

Double Ugh...

2011-04-08T01:31:00.000-05:00

I freaking hate melanoma. With. A. Passion.

A friend of mine has just been diagnosed with melanoma. The great news is that there is a really good chance they got it all. The bad news is that we heard that before with Brian. But the good news is that my friend DID catch it early, and I truly believe things are going to go well for him and he will just be able to go on and enjoy life. Thank God.

I spent the evening finishing up gathering pictures for Rachel's 8th grade graduation video. I took a lot of time to reminisce. I realize that I have avoided looking at pictures and reliving a lot of memories lately because it all hurts too much. Even just thinking about Rachel growing up so fast has been difficult for me. But tonight, I felt like looking and I was quite enjoying myself! What beautiful children I have!

And then I opened a folder with this picture in it. It was taken on Easter Sunday 2008, only about 36 hours after Brian died. Tye and the girls had played and looked for Easter eggs. I remember him being happy and sad that morning, smiling and then crying. But I do not at all remember taking this picture or ever seeing it before. It is in with all the rest that were taken at our house that morning. And I bawled. Those of you who know Tye, you know he never looks like this. His eyes are full of life and love and orneriness. But this picture just filled me with pain. I didn't attach the other two that were taken in sequence, he is starting to cry in one of them. His eyes...it brought back those feelings of trying to get it to sink in that my beloved Brian was dead, that Tye's daddy was NOT coming back, and that this was not just a cruel nightmare, this was real. God, how thankful I am that this picture is not what I see from Tye normally, and that he continues to be the little firecracker he always has been. I did think though, that this picture is an accurate description of how I personally have felt for several years. It hasn't passed, although I do finally feel like it is evolving, and that some happiness is starting to fill my heart.

I was also thinking, why is it that I blog and tell you all about it? Well, mostly I am just venting, giving myself a chance to chronicle what I feel and reflect on how I've grown. And also to help you understand me. I have come to realize that many people, including myself, are so judgmental others. I have said it a million times, and I will say it again. I am not just getting over this. You are ignorant if you really think that is how it works. And tonight I am going to thank God that you are so blind to the pain I deal with, because it means you have not had a marriage fall apart in divorce, you do not have to share your children with someone else who is not their parent, you do not have to go a few days here and there on a regular basis, not seeing your children because it "isn't your day", you don't come home to an empty house or crawl in bed alone, and all you can do is imagine how bad it feels to miss someone as much as I miss Brian. For that, I am thankful, because I don't want you to really know. But since you don't know, don't pretend to know or make judgments about me. Don't form an opinion in your mind as to how someone like me should be dealing with things. And certainly don't compare me to anyone else you know who has lost a loved one, we each have our own unique story, our own unique loss, and our own personal grief. You can't truly love someone like I love Brian, and not continue to feel the loss and excrutiating pain on a daily basis, no matter how long it has been. Your judgment of those of us who have lost our spouses only makes it even harder on us. I have enough to deal with, without feeling like I have failed at grieving also. And honestly, I don't know if I really care if you are judgmental, only to the point that I wish I could still make it clear to anyone who cares about someone who is in my situation, give us a break. Love us and take care of us, but for God's sake, don't expect us to conform to your idea of how this whole grieving deal should look like.

Well, I was just rambling and let whatever come out that I felt. Thanks to so many who have indeed allowed me to grieve in my own way because I am finally starting to feel better. Finally. Even I can't predict what will be hard for me, what memory will be painful, and which ones will have evolved back into being cherished memories. It is a process, a lifetime process, because it is a lifetime without him, a lifetime of missing him, and a lifetime of subsequent losses when he is not here once again to do what husbands and dads do.

I've been to bed once tonight, couldn't sleep. Now I finally feel like I got it off my mind, so hopefully I can rest easy.

I Can Just Hear Brian's Side of the Story

2011-03-15T21:11:00.000-05:00

Warning: This post has not be censored.

Tye spent the weekend at the farm again while I took Rachel graduation dress shopping. He is by far more of a farmboy than his daddy, who would have rather stayed inside and watched t.v. or read books instead of being out on the farm. Brian used to always tell about how hard his parents made him work, and how awful it was to clean out the barn. I'm sure he walked uphill 5 miles to school both ways also!

So I met Denise in Bethany yesterday afternoon. (Yes, I let Tye skip school, justified by the fact that I will do anything I need to do for Tye to be a part of his dad's side of the family). I got out of the van and into her car just to chat. I said, so what did you do on Saturday?

His response...we used a pitchfork to clean the shit out of the barn. And he just beamed! ~~Just like his dad would have reacted.~~ Not at all like his father would have done.

After Denise and I regained our composure, I reminded him that what happens ~~in Vegas~~ on the farm, stays on the farm. He remembers this rule from a few years ago, after he told me about "getting the hot stuff out of a cow's butt", and our discussion about how his teacher would NOT like to hear about this at school. He then started talking about a cow having a baby, and I ~~am not even going to repeat~~ can't remember what he said about it. We had our little Farm Talk talk, and reviewed the rules of being a farmer. I guess I have somehow incinuated that it means you get to cuss while you are ON the farm, as long as your teacher doesn't find out!

I said...well, your dad HATED to clean out the barn. Tye replied...no he didn't, Papa said he LOVED it! Oh, the sarcasm is lost on this kid who could care less that his boots have poop on them and would spend every waking minute checking cows, mending fence, feeding calves, bailing hay...whatever the farmlife entails, he wants to be a part of it. Oh, the irony!

Ash Wednesday Eve

2011-03-08T22:52:00.000-06:00

Fat Tuesday. Shrove Tuesday. Mardi Gras. Or just the day to do a bunch of last minute things before you give them all up for Lent. Whatever you call it, today is the day before Ash Wednesday. And so my mind is busy, trying to find a meaningful way to spend this Lenten season. To be brutally honest, I can't recall much about Lent 2009 or 2010. Ash Wednesday has been a terrible struggle for me over the past few years. In 2007, Brian was home from having major surgery, and very excited and anxious for his first official Ash Wednesday. He had only been baptized into the Catholic Church a few months before, and looked forward to participating in this tradition and ritual. This was to be one of his first outings since returning home from surgery. He woke that morning with a high fever and throwing up, and he was crushed that his physical condition once again caused him to miss out on something. By noon, we were on the road to Columbia to eventually find out that his pancreas was not healing well, and he was battling a raging infection.

And then there is Ash Wednesday 2008, a day in which it wasn't really even an option to leave the house without causing Brian great physical pain. You can read about that here. I was rereading the post tonight, as I had spent a lot of time that day in reflection on the current events of our life and my feelings about my faith. I am amazed how much I still feel the same, and how so much has not healed from watching my husband suffer, and my own suffering. It has become a part of me.

I am in a different place right now with my faith. I attended a Beginning Experience weekend back in November, and what a moving experience it was! I am ever thankful for it being rooted in my Catholic faith, as I was desperately in need of nurturing from my own church. This weekend is for people who have lost a marriage either to divorce or death. Since attending, I have decided to join the BE group and help with future retreats. I cried out in anguish so many times for God to help me make sense of my tragedy, to find some good in the devastating events of my life. And this is allowing me to do that. By being a part of the BE team, I am also able to continue on a path of healing. I sometimes have to take a deep breath when I realize I am the youngest on the team, and the ONLY one that has been both divorced and widowed. Nice. But I have so much to offer, and I hope someone might be blessed by my story.

So I have been doing a lot of thinking about this whole Lenten thing. I finally realized that, although I did not voice it in my blog, I feared that Brian would not live through the 40 days following Ash Wednesday that year. He was already struggling so much with the realization that he didn't have much of a future left. He even commented about a few t.v. shows that he figured he wouldn't be alive to see the season premiers in the fall. I secretly wondered if he would live to see the spring season finales, and after his death in March, I didn't watch much t.v. just because of that. I wondered on that day as he received ashes in our home, would he be here to celebrate Easter? Would he be well enough to go out to Mass? Would he already be dead?

If you think this is a terrifying way to live, that is an understatement. Living with someone who is dying is like dangling their life in front of you. Even both of my sisters had announced their pregnancies, and Brian and I cried because we knew he would never see those babies (and he didn't).

As Holy Week began that year, I knew his time was short. He was in and out of consciousness, and I spent each minute of my day just comforting him and our children. As the week wore on, I begged God to take him before Easter. I feared he would die on Easter, and I knew he would not want those memories for us. I selfishly worried that he would die in the midst of me trying to be the Easter Bunny and blow it for Tye and Amberlea. It was a worry he had already when he was so very sick on Christmas Eve and we were making backup plans for Santa for the same reason. But mostly I begged God to take him because his time was up, the suffering was beyond unbearable, and I didn't want him to suffer any longer. By Holy Thursday, hospice and I anticipated him to have about another week. By Good Friday morning, I knew it would be sooner. I told the hospice nurse I wanted all his non-essential meds stopped. We tucked a large blanket under him and picked him up from his hospital bed into a sort of cocoon/sling, and carried him to our bed. As we crossed the threshhold, I knew in my heart that he would not come back out of that room alive. That day is the most prayerful day of my life, full of anguish and knowing of Christ's sufferings. He seemed to be in less pain on this day than he had for the last several. I figure it was the pain medication, but whatever caused his awareness of his suffering to lessen, I am thankful. When he died a little after 5pm, I sobbed and thought to myself...I knew he wouldn't make it through Lent.

I have been very thankful, and I still am, that if he could not stay, that God chose to take him on Good Friday. On Easter, I was very thankful that he could spend it with Jesus in Heaven.

So where am I for Ash Wednesday 2011? Hoping for continued healing. Hoping for peace. Still longing for and missing Brian like it just happened today. And hoping at the end of Lent this year, I might feel more alive with the understanding of my faith and the promise of eternal life.

What Might Have Been

2011-01-03T23:21:00.000-06:00

I didn't really know what to title this post. I can't really say that today would have been our 8th anniversary because God had other plans, plans that had us married just past 5 years before Brian's life on this earth was over. Even so, I can't help but remember those dreams we had on this day in 2003. The love I felt was beyond any description I could even attempt to give.

So how is it on this 3rd anniversary date without him? It was a hard day. But I survived. For me, it really hasn't gotten any easier. I have learned to better deal with it, sometimes to better hide it. But more often as the days and months and years have now passed, I have to realize a different norm. Life is what it is and has been now for 38 1/2 months. So I guess I have actually gotten used to it, as far as the day to day goes.

I went to the cemetery the other night. I cried harder than I have in a long time. My head was filled with strange thoughts. What did he look like? What did he sound like? I felt a panicky feeling that I couldn't remember him calling out my name. I tried to remember his touch and his kiss. It seemed so foreign to me. I felt like digging up the dirt and crawling in with him. Don't judge my craziness until you've had a dead husband you miss so much you can't think straight. Crawling in with him sounds like a great idea for a brief moment of time every so often. I kept seeing him as he was when he walked up onto my front porch the first night I met him. He was wearing the same shirt as he was buried in. I suddenly wanted the shirt back. I wanted to hold it close.

That night I nightmared. This time he walked up onto the front porch and his head was shaved. He looked more like he did at the time of his dodgeball benefit. His face was puffy. But he had that same shirt on. When I opened the door, he said...you have big hair. He always teased me that my hair was poofy that night. Some other not-so-pleasant and too personal to repeat things happened in my nightmare to remind me of his illness. Then he kept walking away from my house. He would come close, then turn and leave. Next, he was up on the ladder putting up my Christmas lights (if you remember, this is the moment when I realized I was falling in love with him and he was telling me about his cancer, and I was thinking oh my God I am going to fall in love with him and he is going to die)...but in my nightmare he climbed up onto the house and then fell off. Next thing I knew I was standing in the back of church with my dad, getting ready to come down the aisle. I started having a panic attack (which really did happen), and I was freaking out about how happy I felt (did happen). I came down the aisle and the violins were playing but I couldn't hear them (maybe a connection to the fact that my ears have been plugged for 2 weeks because of a double ear infection). Then I could hear this cackling from the back of church, like an evil laugh.

I bolted straight up in bed. And people wonder why I can't freaking sleep. Honestly though, it was the first actual nightmare I have had about Brian. I am sure the earlier crying at the cemetery sparked it off. Here's hoping that his the last of it.

I got flowers today, beautiful flowers like the ones from our wedding. I don't know whose handiwork it was, but it made me feel very special. One of my students asked why I got the flowers, and I said that today is my anniversary. He replied...what an awful thing to have to come back to school! No kidding! Although the routine probably helped to make it an easier day. Then I had several texts, emails and posts on my facebook page, and it meant a lot to know that so many remembered and/or thought to say something to me. Like this day really mattered. Like it wasn't a figment of my imagination. Like it was ok to still celebrate that this is the day I committed to be Brian's wife, to love and honor him, in sickness and in health. And I upheld that, by God, and I am proud of that. I like to think I had a hand in getting him to Heaven, and I am honored to have been a part of that.

I planned to come home and look at pictures with Tye. He has wanted to see our wedding video. So that was the plan. By the time we got home, I was feeling a little better about the day and decide to leave well enough alone and just leave that for another time.

I keep thinking that before I know it, more time will have passed with him dead than the time I knew him alive. How can that be? When so much of him is living and breathing right in my daily life. Tye brings Brian's love to me everyday, and I am so thankful. I feel bad for Tye to grow up without Daddy, but hope he always knows what a gift he has been to me. I told him today that I missed him at school. He said...why? I said...because you are good company! He said...MOM! I'm not company, I'm your son. Tee hee! On New Year's Eve at midnight, he hugged me great big and said...it just gets better and better every year. Awww. I chuckled and thought, no kidding, it can't hardly have gotten much worse! But it made me feel good that he is so happy and feels so loved.

Thanks to all of you who have helped me get from my 7th anniverary to my 8th. I have been taking one day at a time, and pray for continued healing, and maybe someday even peace.

The Holidays, Take 3

2010-12-12T03:35:00.001-06:00

I can't sleep. It is not surprising. Sleep...the lack of, the inability to get to sleep, the exhaustion from not sleeping, insomnia, and then oversleeping, tiredness and so on that comes with trying to always play catch-up on sleep. It has been a normal part of my life for quite a while now. I have always been a night owl. But about a year before Brian's death, I started having sleep issues. It is the getting to sleep part that is hard. It is the crawling into bed alone part that his heartbreaking. And so began a pattern that I have rarely snapped out of. Which is why I am writing this at 2:09 in the morning.

I know I have not been writing regularly. It isn't because I don't have anything to say. It is mostly because what I DO have to say is the same old story, even to me it is getting old, and I mostly don't know what else there is to say about it. Yet, I still felt like writing tonight of all nights.

I do not have my tree up. Yet. And I don't know when I am putting it up. Tomorrow probably. How awful am I that I don't even really want to put it up. I am really excited about how nice the outside of the house looks with all the lights and greenery. But that seems to be where my holiday spirit has stopped. I can't seem to get anything going in the Christmas present department. I listened to some Christmas music today and really enjoyed it. My head is all over the place, and ultimately I am coming to realize that I am not the person I used to be. Different things are important to me.

And here I am, approaching the THIRD Christmas without Brian. The 3rd round of being Santa alone. While I still consider the holidays of 2007 to have been a horrible experience with Brian's illness, he was still there to show the gifts to, to brainstorm and plan and sneak around, to laugh and get excited with. I remember that year how desperately I missed spending time with him, shopping for our children and other family members.

So how is the 3rd one? Well, I made it through the 1st one, numb with grief. Then last year was a harsh reality that life was continuing, regardless of what was going on with me. This year, I'm not sure. It feels odd. I feel distanced from myself almost. I feel out of practice, like I need to rewrite the plan so I know what I am doing.

I have not talked extensively on this blog as to how I really feel. I don't know why. I have really put myself out there, having this blog and sharing our family's journey and heartache, yet I still felt like I needed to protect my feelings. I beat around the bush a lot about how I really feel. I also tried to sugarcoat things so no one thought I was going off the deep end. I have done the same thing in my everyday life. The downfall is that on my way over the edge, no one was there to catch me because no one really knew what was happening. I had a very difficult summer and fall. I have come to realize that from about last Christmas to about June, I checked out for a while. It wasn't intentional, I think the pain just got to be too much. Instead of dealing with it, I sat it aside. I put back on the game face. I let people make comments to me about how great I was doing, and I chose not to correct them for several reasons. It was easier not to explain the same thing over and over. It felt better to not be sad all the time.

Then the summer came, and I had lots of emotional things going on in my life. Pushing out my feelings about losing my husband eventually caught up with me, and August, September and October were very difficult months. I could not explain it if I tried. The pain was raw and unbearable, and my breaking point was coming fast. I reached out to others, some who responded by ignoring my pain, others who were surprised to find I wasn't "over" it, and some who really listened. It was a very sad and lonely time for me in my grief, as I felt as if I was completely isolated and paralyzed by my grief.

Things are gradually changing. I found comfort through a retreat called Beginning Experience. It is designed for those who have lost a marriage to divorce or death. Sigh. Once again, I was the exception, I have been there in both situations. And while I am long past grieving over the loss of my first marriage, I continue to have to deal with issues involving my ex-husband and his wife on a daily basis, as we raise our children together. Even so, before I even met Brian I had come to the realization that Tim and I did not belong together, and that God had different plans for me. While I hate that divorce became a part of my life and the lives of my daughters, I long ago came to terms with that. I have come to realize, however, that being in a lousy marriage and then divorced previously has made grieving the loss of Brian and our wonderful life together all the more difficult. I DID indeed believe after my first marriage that there was more God had planned for me, that He had a different future in store for me, and that blessing came with Brian and our life together. So it doesn't take much of a jump to see that losing that marriage to cancer has left me in a very difficult place of understanding what my own purpose in life is. And right now, the only purpose I am truly seeing is being Rachel, Amberlea and Tye's mom. I do believe God wanted me to be there for Brian, to care for him and love him and bring him happiness. I am amazed that this wonderful man came into my life, and sometimes wonder if my purpose what to help him die. God only knows. But what I do know is that I have really found it difficult to find my way back to me, to what I personally am doing here in this existence.

Beginning Experience has given me a chance to really focus on those feelings. I came to realize I have not really dealt with Brian dying. I have dealt with the consequences of it, the aftermath. But I have not really faced head on that he is dead and gone. That he slipped away right in front of me, that he no longer exists but in the memories and in our hearts.

So THAT is where I am. Trying to really face that he is dead. If you are confused, then you probably haven't lost your spouse or a very close loved one. Otherwise, you would probably GET what it is I am saying. I am definitely NOT saying that I have been pretending he isn't dead, or that I have been in denial. But I realized I never told him good-bye. He was sick, and then he was dead. There was nothing in between. I know there were missed conversations between us that should have happened and they did not. I admit that I have resentment towards him for not helping me face him dying. I also admit that I feel very guilty for being resentful to him, when he himself had such terrible things to deal with. Even so, the feelings are there. I also realize that I do not think Brian really came to terms with the fact that he was dying. I think he got to a certain level of acceptance that he was sick, and a certain level of understanding that this story was not going to end well. But he himself told me several times that he could not face knowing he wasn't a part of our future. This was why he turned down the chances to leave videos for us, and for Tye. I repeatedly tell myself that this was not selfish on his part, that is was how his heart and mind dealt with his own impending death. Dying isn't as glamorous as Hollywood makes it, people often can't muster up the ability to do these amazing things like you see in movies like My Life with Michael Keaton. God how I would give anything for Tye to have those kinds of videos of Brian. And I know I have said that before, and for some reason it keeps coming up and resurfacing. So I am trying now to figure out how to deal with those feelings and move past them. And I am trying to figure out how to deal with the realization that Brian is dead. I know it seems logical, maybe even out of sequence, that I feel like I've come to understand that this life is what I was dealt. I don't have a terrible life by any means. My blessings are great. None of that matters when my heart aches to feel Brian's love.

I hope to be able to use my experiences to help others. I plan to stay involved with the Beginning Experience so I can continue to heal. It is a process, one that doesn't end when others judge me that it should end. It also comes and goes. Surprisingly, I maybe could admit that I felt better last spring than I do now. But again, I am an emotional person, and each moment of the fall brings back memories that are not so good. November was such a difficult time in 2007, and my mind was locked on the fact that we spent 10 very difficult days in the hospital then, and that was when I thought he was going to die right then. That was my first real understanding that he was dying. I knew already, but after that I really KNEW. So November is a rough time. Yet I met Brian in November, on the 10th. And I freaking forgot. A few days later I was thinking, oh my gosh, my grief overshadowed my joy of the moments this man came into my life.

I am better than I was a month ago. Interestingly, I still have a lot to deal with, but it doesn't feel quite as stressful. The thoughts of Brian being gone are always on my mind, and I wonder seriously what it is I need to do to have that not haunt me day in and day out. I told my sister Erin, I might know how I want to feel, or how I should feel (which is an arguement anyway, as to WHO exactly dictates that), but that doesn't make me feel that way.

My sadness is controlling my life. I can't sleep (did I mention that), and I know it is also affecting my health. I'm overweight, and I want to change that, but everything seems so overwhelming. I am looking forward to Christmas break and maybe getting the chance to regroup and try to get in some exercising a few days a week, as a starter.

Oh, and I am not sleeping. Oops...said that. But what I meant was, when I do sleep, I am not sleeping in my room. In my bed where Brian died. In the room where my mom died. Nope. Haven't since July. Which must have been a turning point of some sort in my head. A few days turned into weeks, and now several months later, I am trying to muster up the strength to face the pain of crawling back into our bed without him. How odd, in my own opinion, that this did not concern me in the first 2 years following his death. I think it was definitely the combination of being where my mom died also. My brain took over and decided how to solve the problem, and that has been the easy way out. My room is a disaster, lots of things piled on my bed, which makes it super easy NOT to crawl back into bed.

Well, maybe I will try to post again in the next few days because I am literally forcing myself to get it cleaned up. The problem is that I was trying to sort some things, things that involve Brian, things that I have not wanted to do, and I think maybe I pushed myself too far. I need to go back and maybe take care of a few things at once. I think I sent myself over the edge when I tried to force myself to separate Brian from me. And that isn't going to happen. In my desperation, I let my heart take over and trick my mind into not doing anything, instead of taking baby steps with it.

I have my rings off today. That is a big step for me. I might put them back on tomorrow. Or the next day. Or in a few minutes. I'm not going to make any rules for it. Or I might put them on and never take them off. I just have them off right now to see how I feel about it. I am worried to have them off, that people will make stupid comments about me moving on, or assume that means I am "over" the said incident. How ignorant! It just doesn't work like that. But I am feeling somewhat as if I need to make myself understand that my marriage to Brian was lost to cancer. The fact that I have experience in losing a marriage both to divorce and death complicates things. I know what it was like to have a marriage fizzle out, breakdown and lose the ability to maintain itself and lose love. Losing someone to death is so very different, all the bad feelings weren't there and the love was as strong as ever. I say WAS because I have struggled terribly to feel Brian's love now after he is gone. I know I will always and forever love him, and the pain of not being able to share that directly with him, and to feel it reciprocated has caused me great pain and suffering over the past 33 months. I have summed up these two marriages that one husband didn't want me and left, and the other did everything he could to stay and he couldn't. You can somewhat imagine how emotional this all is for me. I've heard the "you'll find someone else" comments, and so far, all they are is hurtful to me. It diminishes my pain, like another man in my life will fix the pain I feel. On top of that, I've been there, done that...I've had one crappy marriage and one marriage full of unconditional love and commitment. It will take a lot for me to even want to take a chance on anything, now that I have known true love and a healthy and happy marriage. For a while I thought I was crazy (still do a little), because after my divorce, I truly felt like I would survive. I hoped I would not grow old alone, but I prayed that God would help me find peace in whatever my life had in store. I had almost 18 months from when Tim left until I actually met Brian, and that was a time of healing and finding myself again. So why is it so hard to find myself now? And it comes down to the fact that my love for Brian, our love for each other, is still there and will never be gone, and it isn't the same type of adjustment.

I'm not sure why I wrote all this, probably more for myself to see how I felt. If I was rambling, don't read it. If it didn't make any sense to you, then that is good and I hope it never truly does make sense, and that you are never in a situation that what I have to say on this blog hits close to home.

So we will attempt the tree tomorrow, mostly just because we should. I will survive the holidays, as I have the last 2 without my husband. I am open for more joy than sadness to find its way into my heart this holiday season, and am thankful for the many blessings in my life, especially my 3 children, who help make that happen.

Just some thoughts...

2010-11-01T00:17:00.000-05:00

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

Grief changes shape, but it never ends.
Keanu Reeves

No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.
C. S. Lewis

To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die.
Thomas Campbell

The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living.
Cicero

It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.
Rose Kennedy

Today

2010-10-17T22:48:00.000-05:00

I feel like writing tonight, so I just thought I would get on here.

Life has been really funny for me lately. I have been feeling very odd. No doubt, I am ~~on a rollercoaster~~ in a transition with my grief. From mid-August to mid-September, I cried more than I had in the previous 6 months, just in those 4 weeks. It was non-stop craziness. I finally blew and took a day off, which definitely helped me get back on my feet. Being super busy with the kids and school keeps me from dwelling on what is my life, yet also keeps me from working through some things.

I spent a lot of time driving this weekend. I drove an hour to Bethany to take Tye to meet Brian's parents, then an hour home. Then today I drove 40 min. to St. Joe to do a little shopping by myself, then another 70 minutes through Cameron and on to Bethany to meet up with Tye, then another hour home. That comes to about 5 hours worth of driving. So what did I think about?

Friday on the way over, my mind was full of all the things I needed to do at school. I actually really look forward to Tye going to the farm because I love when he is with Brian's parents. I miss him always. But it feels different, and I love sharing a part of Brian with them, and also know that Tye loves having that closeness to Daddy. I never feel guilty for him going over there because everyone involved needs this time.

On the way back, I drove with the windows and sunroof open, and the stars were just beautiful. Times like that make me feel close to Brian. I turned the music up loud and sang when I felt like it. I swear this weekend I heard Just a Dream by Nelly like 50x. I really like that song though. And while it technically is totally not about my situation, I kept hearing the chorus over and over...

I was thinkin about her, thinkin about me.

Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?

Open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream.

So I travel back, down that road.

Who she come back? No one knows.

I realize, yeah, it was only just a dream.

Yep, he's not coming back. Any thought of it is completely a dream that will never come true. Everytime I heard it (and I'm serious about hearing it so many times), I thought of Brian, of what could have been, of what our plans were, of how it is gone. It is like I relive this every morning. I wake up and realize the dream of a long life together with him is gone, and what is left of my life can either be a nightmare, or a new dream.

And I am really shooting for the new dream. I can't live in this nightmare. What the new dream entails, I'm not sure, but I'm trying to figure that out. I just know for sure my life wasn't meant to be only this existence.

I am amazed how beautiful the weather has been. I have even felt pangs of joy and contentment in the fall breeze. And that is something new for me. The drive from St. Joe to Cameron to Bethany today was spent thinking of all the gifts God has given me. I have to admit, any conversations with God about my life are miracles in themselves just that they happened. And to have a conversation with him without being mad and hurt is almost unheard of for me. So it was nice. God gave me a gorgeous day that helped put me in the mood to talk to Him.

It was really busy at the mall today. I was a bit overwhelmed at so many moms and daughters shopping, and it made me really miss my mom. And anyone not with their mom was with their husband. I found myself saying la la la to try to keep from thinking about it and getting angry.

I saw someone at Kohl's who had a melanoma awareness benefit shirt on. I was in such a hurry that I didn't go and ask her about it. I should have. But part of me didn't want to know. It is hard to hear about others who fight this awful battle. I heard of a man from our area who died last week, and had known of his melanoma since July. I guess I should be more thankful for the time with Brian, and yet he suffered much longer. Still, the fight goes on, and I said a prayer instead for whoever the benefit was for.

This week is conferences, and I hope to have the chance to get a lot done at school. I am always a lot happier! Hope you all have a great week, and thanks for checking in.

So I made it back home safely, and all 3 kids are under my roof tonight.

Take 5 Minutes to See This

2010-09-29T20:56:00.000-05:00

In memory of sweet Jamie...

Watch Those Moles: Spare Your Life

2 1/2 Years...

2010-09-21T06:28:00.002-05:00

Today marks 2 years and 6 months since Brian went to Heaven. At times, it feels so fresh, as if it has just happened, as the memories cut deep and shake me to the core. Other times, it feels a lifetime ago, as the memories fade and are slipping away. I am trying to be strong. My biggest fear is that I will still be where I am today in 2 1/2 more years. And I don't think I can take that kind of pain. The sadness has enveloped me lately, the reality of life moves forward. The thoughts linger in my head of happy times with Brian, of a time of peace in my life, of suffering and sadness, of hope and loss. And the questions for God seem to remain unanswered. Yet still there. Things have been difficult for me lately. I have kept a lot of things to myself for several reasons.

I, myself, am simply tired of it all. Tired of things revolving around me having a dead husband. Tired of being a widowed mother, tired of being alone and doing it all by myself. Just tired.

I want to shelter my kids, especially Rachel. She is so done with grieving the loss of Brian that I have forced myself to grieve in private, to grieve alone without her support.

I have made choices on my own grief in order to nurture Tye and Amberlea. When things are going so well for them and not for me, then I refuse to let my grief bring them down or add more to what they are already dealing with.

The memories hurt. I am in a stage right now that a song might make me smile, feel mad, or burst into tears. And for the most part, I am never sure which way I will feel. Usually things are in spurts, something makes me sad so I cry easily for 3-4 days. Then other times the memories warm my heart.

I am angry. At God. And that, in itself, is overwhelming. I feel guilty for being angry. I have demanded answers, and the answers aren't there. They probably never will be, at least while I am still on this earth. And yet, I feel as if I deserve some answers, some purpose. This keeps coming back around, the thought won't go away, and I feel like I am wallowing in it sometimes.

I read about so many other widows. I think this can be very good. I realize what I am feeling is normal. It isn't normal for others, but it is normal for my situation. So then I don't feel quite as crazy. Other times, I do feel crazy and wonder how I can ever get to a good place and be happy again. Lots of things make me happy. I feel blessed by my 3 beautiful and amazing children. But the state of happiness in my life is lost, and I can't seem to find it.

And I know for a fact there are those out there who think I should "be over it". I can't begin to tell you the pain this causes me, and I know in my heart I will never be over losing the love of my life. Sometimes I think it is me, that I think I should be "over it", that I think I need to figure out what I am doing here.

I am looking for a support group. They don't exist within 120 miles of here. My current stage of grief is ready for something else. I need help knowing which feelings to face instead of suppressing them. And so that is what I am actively spending my time doing, looking beyond the resources I currently have to find new and more specific sources that can help me.

I don't expect anyone to know. I didn't know. I still don't know, I still can't imagine what others specifically feel like in their own losses. I just know that my grieving process needs some work, and grief is exhausting.

I am back to just breathing, back to just taking a day at a time. That seems to help. I can't look ahead to another 2 1/2 years, to the 5 year mark, because it is too overwhelming. But I do look back and know that I did figure out how to survive 30 months without Brian. Not without damage, for sure. My relationships with everyone I know has taken a hit. I find it hard sometimes to understand the mundane worries of life after worrying about Brian's health. I find it hard to relate to those who have trouble keeping up when I have dealt with what I have and am dealing with.

You are probably reading this and thinking this woman needs some serious help. And you are right, and I know that. Just what kind of help, I'm not sure. For now, my goal is to feel a little better in another month, and go from there. I have not lost faith, but my faith is struggling, it is growing and changing and evolving. I would be a prime example of the importance of faith BEFORE something challenging happens in your life, because there is no doubt that my faith foundation has keep me afloat. And I know in the months to come, my faith will continue to hold me up.

2010-09-06T23:06:00.002-05:00

No one can know the depths of a widow's sorrow.

Comments from my Adorable Kids, and Some Other Things

2010-07-30T22:33:00.001-05:00

Why is it that I myself feel somehow guilty for still grieving the loss of my husband? And then other times I am unsure if it is guilt I am feeling. I think it is ~~ignorant, ludicrous, ridiculous, irresponsible and plain stupid~~ hilarious that people actually think we widows "get over" this. Paleeeez! I am no less a widow today than I was on March 21, 2008...and I am no more over this than I was then. Do I deal with it differently? Yes. Do I still want to deal with it better than I do? Yes. But over it? Nope. Not even close. There are a lot of things in life that I can get over, and this isn't one of them. I am a widow, with kids no less, which makes me a mother of a fatherless child, besides being a widow. And it sucks. The gaping hole in my heart is there, as big as ever. Have a learned to live with the hole? Most of the time, yes. Somedays, not so much. I will freely admit that there seem to be more good days lately than bad. Still, I have yet to adjust to the fact that the bad ones come out of nowhere and are more devastating. They are the ones that break my heart. But the thought of Brian brings more smiles than tears, and even so, some of the tears are happy ones. And progress is all I want in this journey, not to be stuck in the same grief forever. Sometimes the grief is mild, and other times very painful. But to get from one side of the grief to the other takes going through the trenches. I also admit there have been lots of times I have avoided the trenches, and I think that has sometimes been good, while other times has sent me backwards on the journey.

We hit a big milestone this week, as I took the kids by myself to Branson. Five hours away for 4 nights and 5 days, 800 miles, and we survived! And we had fun, a lot of fun! I am a very resourceful woman with a lot of initiative, so it isn't that I didn't think we could do it. I was more concerned with feeling comfortable and safe, and not putting a lot of responsibility on Rachel beyond what is reasonable. The kids and I worked together, and Rachel was a great help to keep things running smoothly. We made some great memories. I did have a few moments, remembering the last time the 5 of us were in Branson, when Tye was 6 mo. and the girls were 7 1/2 and 4 1/2. that was about 8 months before Brian's melanoma came back and destroyed the future we had planned. But it felt good to make new memories and I know Brian would be happy with how well the week went. We didn't get lost, thanks to Samantha (our GPS system), and the fact that Branson now has clearly labeled alternate routes of red, blue and yellow. We did have a few moments that we weren't sure where we were EXACTLY, but we weren't really lost.

Now for comments...

We were at a BBQ place and the girls were being really silly. Rachel went to the bathroom, and Amberlea said...man, if I had a whoopie cushion, I would soooo put it on her chair. I said...that would be so funny. She says...can I go get it from the van? I said...huh, you have one?!?!?! She responds...I always carry one in my bag.

Tye fell asleep in the van on Thursday afternoon for quite a while, so by evening he had his 2nd and 3rd wind. We went to swim at around 11pm, and came back to the room. Sometime after midnight he was still talking.
T: Who do you think I should marry?
Me: Well, I don't know. You don't have to decide now.
T: How will I know?
Me: You will meet a lot of girls, like in high school and college, and you will meet someone who you fall in love with.
T: How did you know you were going to marry Daddy?
Me: When you fall in love, you just know.
T: I'm going to have 3 kids, ok?
Me: That is great, I want to have lots of grandkids.
T: Oh, ok, well I can have 7 then if you want.
Me: Ok, do you think your wife will want that?
T: I will just tell her.
(tee hee)
T: I already know what I am going to name my first son.
Me: (I already know this because he has told me before). What?
T: Brian, and then I won't have to miss Daddy so much.

(ugh, he didn't tell me that part about missing Daddy before).
Then he went on to think of all kinds of names. At the end he asked me if I would write them all down for his wife.

We hotlined the Steak and Shake last night at around 11pm. I am usually very reasonable, but I was overcharged and the number was posted right there by the drive-thru, so I thought I would leave a message. Who knew they had a manned phone line at that hour of the day? Rachel and I got a few good laughs during the process.

On a ride last night at dusk, Tye said the sweetest thing...we soared above the trees and the sky was beautiful with the sunset. He said...there is Heaven where my dad is. I cried. I tired not to, but it was so adorable and just broke my heart.

The Beast Strikes Again

2010-07-22T23:44:00.003-05:00

Melanoma claimed yet another precious life today in the 'ville. She was only 45, and had so much life left to live. As usual, the disease was unyielding, cruel, evil, unpredictable and painful. Tonight I am thankful that she has conquered the beast here on earth, and it can never hurt her again. Her suffering is over, yet her loved ones are left to mourn her loss.

Not a day goes by that I don't pray for all those who are impacted by melanoma, either as a patient, loved one, caregiver...and each day I beg the Great Physician for a cure for all cancers. Too much sadness, too much pain and suffering, too many lives lost to melanoma, too many widowed spouses and orphaned children, too many lost friends.

Rest in peace Linda, I enjoyed knowing you. And many blessings upon your family and friends who walked this journey with you.

Remembrance Bracelet

2010-07-17T15:40:00.002-05:00

Below are pictures of my birthday present. It arrived in the mail today. I ordered it from ilovinglyremember.com . Note the black beads for melanoma and the peridot for Brian's August birthday!

Heartbreak of a Different Kind

2010-07-17T00:30:00.002-05:00

I know that the posts are becoming farther apart as the months pass. While part of me regrets that, the other part of me is glad that my world does not revolve around melanoma and how it has destroyed my family. My thoughts of melanoma are never far away, and I continue to do all I can to educate people. I still check in on lots of melanoma patients, and I still pray every single day for a cure.

I had a very difficult experience in the early hours this morning. Tye crawled into bed with me in the night. I snuggled him up tight and put my arm around him. He said...Mom, I forget what Daddy's face looks like.

Oh

My

God!

I promised him we would look at pictures today, and that I would hang pictures back up this weekend. They are all still packed. I completely intended to put them back up, I just barely have the painting done, and I'm not for sure where I want everything. To say I was heartbroken would be an understatement. He dozed off to sleep and all I could do was sob. I have cried several times today. I guess I knew it might happen. It happened to me with my own mom, and I was 33 years old. It has happened with my grandparents, and I have struggled more with forgetting what they sound like. But my memories of Brian still are fresh. So having him tell me that made me feel like such a failure. While I am trying to pick up the pieces, have a really done all that great of a job of helping Tye remember? We talk about Daddy a lot. I just can feel what he might be feeling about not remembering, and I know how bad that feels.

And dang it, it isn't supposed to be like this. Wake me up from this freaking nightmare because I am so tired of dealing with it all. It is hard enough for me, and knowing how desperately I miss him and long to feel his kisses, his arms around me, hear his voice, and feel his love. But all that pales in comparison to how bad I feel that this beautiful, amazing, ornery, fun-loving child misses his Daddy. I would take on any additional pain if I could take it away from him; if I could take away the loss he must feel, and the loss that will always be there.

I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised. There have been some comments lately that have made me think he is forgetting. He has asked some odd questions, and asks a lot more lately about what Daddy was like. Did he do this when he was a little boy? Did he like this food? What was his favorite color? What kind of car did he drive?

I could scream. I wish I could. I just might. I should be able to, right? I should be able to be angry that this is where we are at in our grief, right? Funny thing, I don't want anyone to pity him. I don't want pity either. But yet, I feel so much regret for him, I feel so sorry for him, so sad for him.

Maybe it is because others just take their parents for granted. But I look at Tye and think he would be the perfect son for his Daddy to have. He would have wanted to do all the Daddy-Son things, and would have brought so much joy to Brian in turn. He would have wanted to play catch and go fishing and work in the garage, to just run errands with Daddy on a Saturday morning while Mommy is trying to clean house or do laundry.

And it is all gone. Doing those things with Mommy just isn't the same. I can't pretend it is the same. I simply can't be both his Mom and Dad. Do I fill a lot of Brian's role, yes of course. But the gap is there, and today in the wee hours of the morning, it felt more like a canyon that was going to swallow me up.

2010-06-19T00:05:00.002-05:00

I have decided that I hate Father's Day. Leave aside my feelings for my own father, and the fact that there are other fathers out there who deserve to be recognized and have a special day just for them. I don't care about any of that right now while I am rambling.

What I care about is Tye, and he doesn't have a Daddy. I am so freaking mad about it, and I keep thinking my anger is going to go away. It has been building over the past few months, mostly I think because Tye has been asking a lot about Daddy. Also, he is getting into sports and all that, and Brian would be so darned excited about it all, that it is bittersweet. I am sure most little kids want to spend time with their Daddy. A lot of them probably don't even realize how precious the time is. Tye is the kind of kid that is longing for that.

I took him to meet Grandma tonight so he could at least spend the weekend with Brian's parents. On the way there, he said...so Sunday is Father's Day? I said yes, and that was why I was taking him to spend the weekend at the farm. He said...because it is my dad's father? Yes, I said, and because he is a dad who is missing his son, and you are a son who is missing your dad.

Then we had a long conversation about my mom, and how he knows that I miss my mom. He is so sweet.

I was trying to figure out why it is making me so mad this year. I think it is because no matter how hard I tried, my heart was just so heavy for so long. I spent so much energy trying to survive missing Brian as my husband, while also taking care of missing him as my child's Daddy. I am not past missing him, and have resigned myself that I never will be. I have no idea why, but I looked myself in the mirror today and just burst into tears. I was thinking how I found a man who treated me like I could never have imagined, a man whose smile and laughter could melt my heart, and he is gone. And I don't care how bad it sounds, he was taken from me. And the feelings are surfacing even stronger that he was taken from Tye.

I thought time would make me feel better about it.

Time...hmmm. What is it really? Time to just get used to the situation. Time to tick away and memories to make. We have been working to make the most of what we have been given. While that all sounds great, it is making me mad right now also because I didn't want to just get by, I didn't want to deal with what is left of my family and my marriage, I didn't want this. I want to scream at God and tell him to back things up. I want to beg him to forgive me for whatever God-forsaken things I did to deserve a live without Brian here to love me and to love us. I guess that is what it feels like right now, a punishment. The routine is basically back to normal, the smiles are returning, the future is coming and I want what is in the past.

I could make a list right now of all the things I love to make you and me both feel better about this post, but I don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing the sugar-coating tonight, and I don't what to have to feel guilty for being ticked and venting on my own blog. I feel like I am going crazy, and I just thought going off and journaling about it might get it out and get me past this hump.

I know Brian loves me. I know he loves me from Heaven. Is it too much to want him still to be here? To have my life back and my family back? Is it terrible to still feel even 27 months later that a hunk of my life is missing, that our family is not complete, and that the blackness of grief still shadows over me?

I am so mad. I want it to go away. I want the feelings of sadness and anger to leave. But I know it never will. Every bleeping Father's Day will bring a stark reminder that our Daddy is dead. Every Father's Day will remind me that I am forced to raise this child alone. I mean what do you seriously write on a soccer form for the dad's name? Deceased? Tye deserved better than this and so did I. I was a good wife to him and he was such a good Daddy. I can never understand the suffering caused by cancer.

I wonder sometimes if I had to much of a perfect life planned out. I never played divorced Barbie, and definitely never played chemo Barbie or brain tumor Barbie or Hospice Barbie. I guess we all mostly expect life to turn out well for us. Go to college, get a job, fall in love, have kids. Grow old with the one you love. I am sure I am like so many others who have let the future run through my mind, and melanoma Ken never came up, so it was never rehearsed in my mind, and neither was being a single mom. And most of all, never was it thought out that I would raise a child with a dead father.

I've answered the hard questions...did it hurt when Daddy died?

I've even recently got the...what will happen to me if you die Mom? question.

Seriously, from a 6 year old, and he knows what it means, because he knows what it is like to have a parent who is never coming back.

I've had the...will I ever see him again? question.

Yep, hopefully not for 80+ years! Wow, now that really makes Heaven exciting to a 6 year old.

How can he wrap his head around it all, when I can't even?

Maybe that is why I am ranting and raving right now, because I have to always keep my cool and have my game face on.

Last Saturday my dad got married. Before I left town for the wedding, I stopped and put flowers from my backyard on my mom's grave. I had already had a rough morning, but thought I had it all together. Then when I put down the flowers, I just shook my head in disbelief that my mom is gone. My eyes wandered beside her to Brian's grave, and I cried and cried.

I didn't have time to be crying. So I just walked away and got in the van. Why are you crying Mom? Because I'm sad. Why? God, how do I explain this.

So I just looked at him and said, I wish my mom and your daddy were still alive, so sometimes I just feel like crying about it.

Ok, Mom. Just take a deep breath. (did I mention how adorable he is?)

Life is not fair. I was stupid to ever think it would be. I can honestly say one of my fears in life was that I would lose someone to cancer, and I am baffled that it happened to me. Just shocked. And I worried that someone I love would die too soon, and it happened to me twice.

Whoaeez Me...(how do you spell that?)

I don't want pity. I'm just feeling like going off tonight about it, and maybe I will feel better in the morning.

I miss how Brian loved me, and I just don't know if I can ever get past the fact that he is gone forever. And it will be the same story in 2011 and 2020 and 2030 and so on. And I will STILL have a son without a Daddy, but by then he will have missed high school and learning to drive and first girlfriends and college and marriage and probably Tye starting his own family. And he'll still be dead. So unfair.

Well, maybe my rant will help me heal and pick up and move on like I have for the last 2 years. It just never gets easier.

Royal Memorial!

2010-05-28T09:49:00.003-05:00

I want to thank all of you who have checked in on me, despite my lack of posts over the last several months. I think I needed a break from the heartache of melanoma, on top of the fact that I have been very busy. Tye brought the sunscreen station to school for field day, and I thought to myself that I needed to update. I will update my other blog also, but for this blog, I wanted to update on the upcoming Memorial weekend.

Tye has been talking about Daddy a lot lately. I think he just wants to know more about him. He asks me funny questions like...did he used to hold me? and how tall was he when he was a little boy?

He and I had some time a few weeks back, and I asked if he wanted to go to the cemetery to check on Daddy's grave and make sure everything was cleaned up for Memorial Day.

What's Memorial Day? So I told him it was a special weekend that we can leave special things at Daddy's garden to remember how much we love him. I also told him that some others who love Daddy too might come to the cemetery to leave flowers. He got super excited! The last several weeks have been a buzz and he has had all kinds of things to say. When Phillip and Denise came this week to the cemetery, she told me Tye told her on the phone that it is "Royals" weekend, and that it was where "my dad asked my mom to marry him." Tee hee!

We ran around Monday evening, trying to find something that looked nice for Daddy, and not for old people. We went to the store and got two pinwheel spinners, one with flags on it for Daddy, and a hot pink one for my mom's grave. We were in line, and Tye was blowing on them. As we checked out, the lady said...is that one for you and the other one is for your sister? And Tye looked at her and said...nope, this one's for my dad and that one is for her mom, they are both dead so we are taking them to the cemetery. The clerk looked like she might drop dead of embarrassment, but I just smiled. It is what it is. She responded by telling him she thought they would look really nice and she bet they would spin really well out in the wind.

Some of his questions are much harder to deal with. That night he asked it all. Did it hurt when he died? Does he have a new body? Is his other body buried in the dirt?

That reminds me of a conversation I haven't told on here that took place several weeks ago...I had my nephew Zeke (also a kindergartner) and Tye at Walmart, and I said we needed sunscreen. We headed across the store, and Tye bluntly said...my dad is dead. Zeke said...yep, I know. Tye said...he had a mole that made him sick. Zeke...Oh! really? Tye...not a hedgehog or a skunk, but a mole.

Huh! So we stopped dead in our tracks and regrouped.

Me: It was not a mole, as in a little animal!

Tye: I know, I know.

So I am thinking to myself, does he have a sick sense of humor? Or does he even realize what he said? I resolved myself that it is a matter of him being a little boy in a situation most kids don't have to deal with. Later that night, he asked me...so did the mole get in his brain. We had a long talk about moles and how Daddy had an unhealthy mole, and lot of other details about melanoma.

Also typical...when my kid puts on sunscreen, he almost always says...I'm putting this on so I don't get melanoma, right? He did comment the other day that Daddy didn't wear his sunscreen, so we had yet another talk about melanoma and genetics and how we take good care of our bodies.

Friends have asked me if this is hard. It is very hard. But I honestly think it is easier to let him just ask and say what he feels. Like the clerk at the store, I could have said any number of things, but I just smiled and let the conversation be a natural one, without the tension or any feelings that we shouldn't be talking about this. Being that open sets me up for some awkward comments and situations, but I believe it is the healthiest thing for Tye. It gives me the chance to support him, to explain things, and to correct things that might be wrong.

Tye has changed a lot. He isn't the 4 year-old little boy that watched Daddy deteriorate and die. That little boy just accepted that instead of being bound to a bed, then comatose, then dead...he is now 6 and wanting to know some things. I am thankful in some ways that my heart has had some time to heal, so I can help him instead of being a mess. Monday out of the blue he said...do you miss your mom? I almost lost it. It is interesting how things have shifted with him, as I have shared so much and we have supported each other in losing our parents. It is amazing the support a 6 year-old can give to an adult, as we have this common bond, regardless of our age gap.

I need to close for now. I wish you all a Royal Memorial weekend.

In Loving Memory...Never Forgotten

2010-03-08T00:01:00.000-06:00

I will never forget my husband. The moments and memories and laughter and tears are all etched in my mind, some as vivid as if they just happened, and others so heartwrenching they cause physical pain. Some fade and are brought back out of no where. Some seem to be too far in the distance, and it hurts to search...the sound of his voice, the smell of him close to me, his touch, the sound of his laughter. March 8th marks the last time I heard Brian laugh. I woke from a stupor, following 3 days on the couch with the worst case of strep throat ever. He was up in the chair, laughing at something with Larry the Cable guy. I remember laying there with my eyes closed, just so happy to hear him laughing, and not moaning in pain, not crying in sadness, not silent in sickness. Just laughing.

And then it was gone. That night began Brian's rapid downward spiral that brought his battle with melanoma to an end. And while I love him enough to want him to be free from the awful beast that was terrorizing him, I am selfish in wanting to hear that laughter again.

Since Brian's death, I have longed to have him remembered. It is my biggest fear that he will be forgotten. I know I won't ever forget. I know a lot of people won't ever. Even so, I seem to find some comfort in tangible things that show his existence. I wanted to start a Brian Halley Foundation to fight melanoma. I wanted to start a Brian Halley Foundation to help families fighting melanoma. I wanted to start a Brian Halley Melanoma Research Foundation. I wanted to build on a Brian Halley Melanoma Research wing somewhere. I wanted to do so much. And I can't rule out that I won't someday do something bigger than I am doing now. But I had to start with what I could handle, both emotionally, and also in the fact that I am a single mom with 3 busy children and a very busy job. I decided early on that small was ok, and doing good in Brian's name can be however I imagine it.

I have several Masses said for Brian each year. Recently there was a Mass for him on Rachel's birthday, which fell the day we went to Mass, so that was special. I always like having the chance for his name to be uttered and his name to be printed in the bulletin, and have the entire church pray for him. Sometimes these Masses make me happy, and other times I struggle to get through. My faith has proven to sustain me in my grief. And I have been completely honest to say that my faith has been a challenge over the past few years, just trying to understand. Last night at Mass, Father asked if we thought the victims in Haiti were any more deserving of suffering than others. I find that I truly believe that is not true, except when it applies to me. I seem to have had my share of heartbreaks, and sitting in church (the same church where I stood at the altar and married Brian, and also stood at the altar and wept over his casket) can sometimes bring more pain than I can bear. Even so, Brian's faith was important to him, and I will continue to do this forever.

My family on my mom's side went together and bought a brick for Royals Stadium that says IN MEMORY OF BRIAN HALLEY WE LOVE YOU and I purchased one also that says TYE'S DADDY BRIAN C. HALLEY 1972-2008. The one from my family was laid last year before opening day, and we were able to see it last fall. I was just notified this week that the other one will be done by opening day in April. I am looking forward to seeing it set in stone.

I am preparing papers for the 3rd annual Brian Halley scholarship. I have no idea how long I will be able to do this because I am funding it out of my pocket, but so far it has been something I can afford and something I have chosen to do in memory of the teacher in Brian, one of the things that was most special to him, and one of the things he and I most enjoyed sharing with each other. I hope I can continue, and other parts of me wonder if I should.

I got the Sunscreen Station off the ground this spring. I funded the whole thing, and while I could care less really how much it costs, I am thinking rationally that I can't keep doing that. I was able to find a source for sunscreen, and then got a bunch of donations from the health center. I swear, my husband did not die in vain, and since I can't bring him back, I want to do everything I can in his name to save others from this horrific, life-threatening, family-destroying disease. The Sunscreen Station was out 4x from June through September, and I just hope to double that this year.

There are tentative plans for a memorial at Maryville Middle School. The idea has been discussed and basically finalized, but finding a good time to get it done seems to be harder than I anticipated. Two summers have passed without having the chance to get anything going, but I am hopeful this year will see our special plans put in place.

Last week, I received pictures from my cousin in Council Bluffs. My uncle (my mom's brother) made donations in memory of several loved ones during St. Albert's building fund campaign. These plaques are in the new elementary school on the wall of memories/donations. Joe and DeLoris are my maternal grandparents, and to those of you who don't know me, I was very close to them. The Kerbers are my aunt Nel's parents. And below them is my mom's name. These were part of one donation.

Then below are two more donations they made, one for Brian, lost in March 2008 to melanoma, and one for my mom and Larry's brother, Gary, lost in April 2009 to complications of renal cancer. I am so thankful to Larry and Nel for making this donation to their Catholic School in memory of my mom and Brian (and my grandparents and Gary). Seeing Brian's name gives me goosebumps.

Today's Update on Tye

2010-02-18T21:58:00.003-06:00

Before bed tonight, Tye said...come on and hurry up so I can get to bed because I want to see Daddy.

Huh? What do you mean?

He always comes to me when I'm sleeping.

Hmmm...maybe an answer to why Daddy is on the brain so much lately??

He did tell me yesterday that Daddy keeps disappearing, and when I asked what he meant, he said...you know, in my dream he just disappears. Then later he kept asking me if God was magic and could make people just disappear like that.

Sigh.

Today at school he had a "tummy ache" that brought him to the office. Upon chatting about the tummy ache with the secretary, who is one of my best friends, Tye told her he was just really missing Daddy. She knows my concerns over the last few days. So she showed him a picture of her dad, who has been gone 9 years, and they talked about missing their dads (did I mention I love St. Gregory's?). She distracted him with some new books that were in the office, getting ready to be put in the library. They enjoyed their visit.

And then he told her our dog ate our guinea pig. She could relate since her cat ate their hampster. He had a nice chat, and off he went, feeling a lot better.

By the way, we have never had a guinea pig.

So when I asked him tonight, he said...I need to tell Mrs. Scheffe I was just kiddin'!

Here Comes the Hardest Part

2010-02-17T15:27:00.003-06:00

Well, forget about missing my Valentine. Something much more difficult to deal with seems to be transpiring.

Tye is missing Daddy.

Big.time.

Last week he whimpered around about missing Grandpa and Grandma, even called them! Which Tye is not a phone talker, so even they were surprised. He sounded so pathetic when he told Papa he misses him.

Now this week it is Daddy.

Before I tell you about this week, let me tell you how things usually are. We talk about Daddy everyday. I tell Tye that Daddy loves him, and sometimes Tye even beats me to it with cute comments...Daddy loves you too, Mom...or who else loves me? Sometimes we talk about what Daddy used to do with Tye. Sometimes it is funny, often it is just informational, sometimes it is sad, occasionally it is upsetting. He doesn't cry a lot, but if he does, it is a good ole hard cry. He sees me cry, and he also sees lots of times that I talk about Daddy and don't cry, that talking about Daddy makes me happy.

This week all it has done is make him cry. I have gone over in my mind why, and I can't seem to narrow it down. On the night of Rachel's bday party on the 6th, Tye was with my dad and he was going to spend the night. Tye refused, just decided he could wait up for me. Then on the 11th when I had to get up at 4:30 in the morning the next day, I had planned for him to stay at Erin's, but he declined. Even talking about him maybe going to Erin's got him riled up because he will "miss me". He was fine to go down there early in the morning, but he is back to not wanting me to be away from him.

Sigh.

Then the tears started this week. He hasn't cried inconsolably, but more often than normal. His cries are heartbreaking because instead of a whimper or sob it is an all-out bawl fest. Yesterday seemed better, and he even asked me if Daddy knew how to dance (while he was dancing on a Wii game), and we giggled when I said not too well! I told him I loved to dance with Daddy, and he smiled and said...me too. No tears. But when it was time for bed, he started in again.

I miss Daddy. I want my Daddy.

Last night it got a little deeper.

I don't want my Dad to be dead.

We just snuggled and both cried, and then I sang him the Daddy song and he drifted off to sleep. But he woke in the night, probably 4-5 times. Twice he was talking and saying something about Daddy, and the second time he seemed upset, so I woke him up.

He went right back to sleep and I cried myself back to sleep.

When the alarm went off this morning, I thought today would be a good day not to mention Daddy in the morning. No luck because while he was putting his socks on, he said something that seared in my mind.

I miss Daddy.

I know sweetie, and you have really been missing Daddy a lot lately.

You know why, Mom? Because I am never going to see him for the rest of my life.

Oh God.

I can relate. I am heartbroken over knowing I have so many years left to live without my mom, and I am 36, not 6. I mean, I want to live my life, it is just so hard, knowing I am motherless. It will take him 30 years to even be to the point I am at. He will have a lifetime of missing Daddy. And I think missing your husband is different than missing your Daddy.

My friends at school are so supportive. I have a call into a trusted friend who is a counselor, just to hear what she has to say about all this. It has been 2 years, another 1/2 of Tye's life. He was 4 when Brian died, and there is a major difference in a 4 year old and a 6 year old. I knew from the support I got from hospice and the grief camp that we all would deal with this in waves. His grief will form waves differently, mostly because I was smacked right in the face with the reality that my husband is dead as soon as he was gone. Tye is coming to that realization over time, and while he knew Daddy was gone then, he is gradually starting to comprehend the reality of this void in his life.

If there was ever a time I could fix something, this would be it. I don't want this for Tye. I want him to have a Daddy to play catch with and wrestle with and go fishing with. And Brian would have done all that, even though there are dads out there all over the world who are worthless and spend no time with their children.

And here comes my surge of anger again. The why's keep me awake at night.

I let his teacher know that he had a rough night and morning. I hugged Tye and told him to just ask for an extra hug from her if he needed one. She said she would be happy to give him some extra hugs. I saw the afterschool girl just before I left school, and she told me that Tye was talking about Daddy and saying how much he missed him today.

I would say the pain of losing Brian the Dad trumps losing Brian the husband. I can deal with the hand I was dealt, even with the sadness. But dealing with him tears at the core of my heart.

Valentine's Day Love

2010-02-14T01:36:00.000-06:00

Dear Brian,

Here I sit, the 2nd Valentine's Day without you. I would be lying if I said things are easier. They are not. But I am getting used to what my life is now, which I think makes it easier to handle.

Tye lost a tooth tonight. It is his 2nd tooth in 10 days. He brought me flowers the other night, rainbow dyed roses because he knows I love rainbows. He was very proud of himself, and seeing him smile made me love you even more.

Someone helped you out today. Flowers arrived this morning with a card that just said AND BACK. They were beautiful and I am thankful that you have angels here on earth to help sneak around for you. I was very surprised. I would say the flowers made me think of you, but you are always on my mind. My days are still full of lots of memories of you...some make me smile, some make me laugh, still many make me cry. Sometimes I miss you so much, and other times the love we have was enough for me to last a lifetime.

I remember the first time I got flowers from you. It was shortly after we started dating, and I got roses at school, with a card congratulating me on winning a basketball tournament (when I still coached). I remember being just in awe that someone actually sends flowers just because, and not always for Valentine's Day or the obvious dates. And yet, you always still made sure Valentine's Day was a special as it could be, even on our last Valentine's Day.

I honestly try to forget Valentine's Day 2008. Thank God someone thought to try to give us some privacy that night and have an evening with no kids where we could just have dinner at home and snuggle. That was the night of your seizure, and it was one of my few moments during your illness that I was actually scared. I shutter at the memories of those moments. And while so many great memories are etched in my mind, so is this memory, of thinking that all was lost, of thinking that this might be the point of no return, and wondering how it happened so fast. I had seen melanoma do a lot of things to you, evil and hateful, but this was one of the hardest, especially when you stopped and then seemed almost unconscious, followed by talking jibberish. I prayed that night that God would spare you anymore pain and suffering, and begged him to let you die in peace. After the hospice nurse came and things settled back down, I held your hand and begged God to take you. Always before I begged him to let me have you a little while longer. I begged that He might ease your pain and allow us so many more laughs and hugs and kisses and snuggles...

But this was the night that changed, the night I knew it was only going to get worse. And whether any of my prayers concerning your health were ever really answered, which is still debatable, I consider this night to have been the time when I threw in the towel. You would think it would have been in Chicago when you were in such pain, or when I almost lost you in Columbia in Novemeber to a staph infection, or even on New Year's Day when we came home with hospice. And for that, I am so sorry. I know you held on longer than ever because I wasn't ready. I know you did the treatment in the fall because I wasn't ready. I believe things were up and down constantly after New Year's, because I wasn't ready.

I was never ready. I knew I would never be ready. The pain of losing you was beyond anything I can ever explain. I lost so much with losing you. My future ended, and the present day just picked up with me as a mother and teacher and daughter and sister, and that is what I still am today. I didn't want this. I begged for God to have mercy on me, even have pity on me. I looked in the mirror that night after your seizure, and I felt shame for ever thinking your illness was about me. I told myself to shutup and just take care of you and love you, that my time for asking had passed, and honestly I can't help but think that time passed unnoticed.

Even now, I struggle to remind myself that your death was not about me. I would be lying if I said I don't feel punished, but for what, I am unsure. Is it so awful to long to be loved by you again? And I know I am wanting and waiting for something that will never happen here on earth. Still, it hurts so much. And yet I am so thankful that you are not suffering, that your days after the seizure were numbered, that our children didn't witness the horror of the seizure, and that I did find the strength to let you go.

I wonder how different I will feel by next Valentine's Day. Last year I was kind of numb, this year it hurts like hell. It is likely I will have 40-50 more Valentine's Days to endure without you. I sometimes think I am cried out, and yet the floodgates open. You will always be my Valentine. You showed me true love, selfless love, unconditional love, and I am trying to focus on that. I wonder if it would have been easier to let you go if we would have had a crappy marriage, and I think maybe it would have. I sure wouldn't be missing all the ways you showed me you loved me, that's for sure. But that in turn makes it harder on me to get through the pain because there is so much there to miss.

And while your illness was not mine, and your death was not mine to die, my grief is my own, and has become a part of who I am. I work everyday that it might not define me, and while sometimes I think it does, other times I think I see myself pushing through it.

I wanted to tell you Happy Valentine's Day, and thank you for loving me. You are a wonderful man and I am so blessed to be your wife. I miss you and long for the moment I will see you again. For now though, I have a life to live, I have children who love and need me, and I have your love to keep me strong.

Memories of 2004

2010-02-01T22:27:00.001-06:00

I hesitated tonight on which blog I should be writing this on, but finally decided that this has more to do with my grief than just being a mom in general. Maybe I will post on my other blog too after tomorrow.

Tye's birthday snuck up on me. I know when it is, and he has been counting down since 25 days. So I have always known exactly how long I had to do my shopping. I stashed a bigger gift instead of giving it for Christmas, so I knew I was already set for most of it. But last night I realized I wanted to give him another train for his Geo Trax, and I hadn't ordered it and those can't be purchased at Walmart...which led to a quick trip to St. Joe to find what I needed at Target.

I have to admit that a lot of days lately have been good days. Saturday afternoon some tears came out of nowhere, but I have long since quit trying to figure out how this whole grief thing works. I left right after school today, and was excited for some time to myself, which I rarely get. I'm not really complaining, I enjoy Tye's company, and love my time with him, and cherish the time the girls are with me. But when I do have a chance to run around a little on my own, it is nice.

So I wasn't prepared for grief to rear its head again. I stood in the baseball equipment aisle at Target (after finding the train I needed), and bawled. While I am perfectly capable of figuring out what baseball things to get Tye, or calling someone who knows, I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that this is what my life will always be. I think my life with Brian and Tye flashed in front of me. I could see birthday after birthday with no daddy. Tye has lived another 1/2 of his life since Brian has been gone. And that is unbelievably and overwhelmingly devastating to me.

My mind was not in the shopping mode, which made finishing what I was going to get Tye a real chore. I also needed another small gift for Rachel (her birthday is Thursday), and I couldn't concentrate. I fought back tears several times. I battled it when I went to the mall because I thought of how much Brian loved Carlos O'Kelly's and always laughed that it was a Mexican Irish place! And I have been by Carlos O'K's so many times...I have even eaten there several times since he's been gone. But today was different.

I thought I finally got it out of my system, and was able to get the everything else taken care of. But the drive home was rough. I broke my personal rule of not driving while crying because I couldn't stop crying and I needed to keep driving. I just sobbed. All kinds of thoughts ran through my head. On this night, 6 years ago, I got up in the night in labor. I thought I would shower just to see if I would feel better, and I remember Brian coming to the bathroom door and asking if I was ok. It was like 3am. I was just standing under the warm water, letting it run on my lower back and trying to just relax He came in and maybe this is too much info, but he peeked in through the curtain and said...you look beautiful. I was about to pop, hadn't slept much over the weekend, and he smiled at me with a look that could melt my heart. He reached in an laid his hand on my very hard belly (lots of contractions by then), and then glanced back and me and said...I love you. I started crying, and he started freaking out that something was wrong. Then he got all worried that I would slip in the shower, and basically demanded that I get out because it was making him too nervous. By the time I was out and dried off, my contractions were seeming to spread out a little. I got back in bed and he put his arms around me, and somehow we both went back to sleep. When I woke up in the morning, we decided he would go ahead and go to school (I was staying home on bedrest), and I promised to call him the moment I needed him. But...I didn't need to call him really because he called me several times throughout the day. I had a doc's appt. already scheduled for 2pm, so he left school early to come get me. By then I was pretty sure something was happening, although there were no real contractions. I was dialated nearly to a 7 when I got to my appt. (don't hate me all you slow laborers) and Brian really didn't have a chance to freak out all that much. Tye was born at 7:36 p.m. and although I didn't think I could ever love Brian more than I did, looking at him holding our son made me fall even more in love with him.

Needless to say, the drive home tonight was one flashback after another. I want so bad to go back to those moments of pure bliss, of great love and happiness. I want something I had and lost, and I can't have him back, and that literally breaks my heart. He was so good to me, and I am better having been loved by him. I miss him so much every single day, and especially tonight when I am getting ready to help Tye celebrate his birthday tomorrow.

There are so many what if's....

if he had taken the treatment in 2001 before I met him, would he still be here today?
and if he took that treatment, would he have been too sick to teach that year, thus never even coming to Maryville and into my life?
and if he took the treatment and was in Maryville, would the treatment have rendered him unable to have children?
and if we never knew he had melanoma, would we have better enjoyed 2 of the 3 years he fought?
and would there be a little bro or sis for Tye if we had not known?
and would there be another child to miss his/her daddy?

So I guess I am reminded that things worked the way they needed to work to get Tye here and into my life. I am also reminded that I am not in control, I never have been, and for whatever God forsaken reason, Brian and I were not meant to grow old together. Tye is a constant reminder of his daddy, and I really do get to have Brian with me everyday! The time was so short, but so precious to me.

01.03.03

2010-01-03T00:16:00.000-06:00

...one of the best days of my life. Thank you God for blessing my life with Brian, and for blessing our marriage 7 years ago.

You Could Be Next...How Will You Respond?

2010-01-01T01:30:00.002-06:00

It is a new year! 2010 will be full of life and love and friendship.

But will 2010 bring CANCER to your life? Statistically, it is very likely.

More than 1,000,000 skin cancers are diagnosed ANNUALLY in the U.S. alone! That is more than the the combined incidence of cancers of the breast, prostate, lung and colon.

Basal cell carcinomas are the most common, and while rarely fatal, can be highly disfiguring.

Squamous cell carcinomas are the second most common, with more than 250,000 cases yearly and 2,500 deaths.

It is estimated that 40-50% of Americans living to at least 65 years old will be diagnosed with either one of these skin cancers at least once.

Approximately 68,720 melanomas will be diagnosed this year, with nearly 8,650 resulting in death. While melanoma only accounts for 3% of all skin cancers, it is the cause of over 75% of skin cancer deaths.

One of which was my husband in 2008.

1 in 55 people will be diagnosed with melanoma during their lifetime.

So here's the great news...melanoma is considered nearly 100% curable if found early.

So how about a New Year's resolution to make an appointment with a dermatologist, just to be in that 100%! How about doing a monthly skin check along with your self-breast exams and/or testicular self-exams?

And what about all the anti-aging creams and brushing your teeth or getting a colonoscopy? They are all so important, and I just hope that you can include skin checks in your routine to keep you healthy.

Someone, a lot of someones love you, and make this the year you stay on top of things. Cancer can be devastating, and I pray that you might heed the warnings and take extra care of yourself this year.

Many blessings for a healthy and cancer-free 2010 and always,
Jenni

It's in the Music

2009-12-30T22:20:00.000-06:00

Took the girls out for lunch.

Lots of laughs.

Then from out of no where, the grief came.

Our song, blaring through the restaurant. I tried to ignore it at first.

I finally told the girls I needed to excuse myself for a minute, and went in the bathroom and bawled. I could hear the words like the first time I heard them...

We had talked on the phone. I was going to be out and about and he wanted me to stop by. I came to the door and he met me with his hand outstretched.

Do you want to dance?

What? I remember thinking, ok, this is too good to be true.

Sure...I took off my coat and he clicked on the music, and this became our song. We fell in love over the course of many dances to this song. And although he loved to dance with me, he was pretty nervous about others seeing him at our wedding, and insisted (didn't have to twist my arm too much) that we practice quite often in the weeks before our wedding.

But today, the words pierced my heart...More by Bobby Darin...

More than the greatest love the world has known

This is the love that I give to you alone

More than the simple words I try to say

I only live to love you more each day.

More than you'll ever know

My arms long to hold you so

My life will be in your keeping

Waking, sleeping, laughing, weeping.

Longer than always is a long, long time

But far beyond forever, you'll be mine

I know I never lived before

And my heart is very sure

No one else could love you more.

More than the greatest love the world has known

This is the love that I give to you alone

More than the simple words I try to say

I only live to love you more each day.

More than you'll ever know

My arms got to hold you so
My life will be in your keeping

Waking, sleeping, laughing, weeping.

Longer than always is a long, long, long time

But far beyond forever, you'll be mine

I know I never lived before

And my heart is very sure

No one else could love you more.

How can I ever have a love that even compares to that? I can't even think beyond Brian now. Even though I cried and was caught off guard, I feel happy to have heard the song today.

Missing Brian and Knowing He is Always Here

2009-12-27T23:28:00.000-06:00

It has been a good Christmas. I wondered if it would ever start to feel better. The moments of sadness are still there regularly, but some of the dread is gone and I actually look forward to things. One thing that I hate is being Santa alone. I remember 2007 when Brian was confined to a hospital bed, and I was running around being Santa, with the help of my elves Dad and Jacob who moved some big items. Otherwise, it was just me. Brian helped with the stocking a little, but otherwise, I did all the skittering and sneaking. While it was exciting, it was dreadful because I knew it would only be me from now on. The days and weeks leading up to Christmas this year were odd in a way. I hardly started my shopping until about 10 days before, mostly because I miss the days of walking around with Brian. I took those days for granted. I remember the year I was pregnant with Tye, and we trapsed all over K.C. looking for something specific for Amberlea. I swore I was going to go into labor that day, but we had so much fun! I loved talking through the items and shifting things from the Santa list to the Mom and Brian list. So this year, while I didn't feel as sad, I also didn't feel as gung ho on Christmas. This is the first year aside from 2007 that we have no lights up. I didn't feel like it. I did it myself last year and it was easy, and I could have again this year, but I didn't want to. I didn't even put up the Brian tree from last year. Blah. My tree has about 1/2 the ornaments on it, and basically no other Christmas decs anywhere in the house.

Yet my house was full of Christmas love. And that is all that matters.

I was in the home stretch around midnight on Christmas Eve when I realized 2 of the stockings were missing. I looked everywhere! I had one that had Amberlea's name on the tag, and then one for Tye from when he was about 2. I just needed one more for Rachel, and I could make do with a fancy Santa bag if needed. But where is one more stocking? I was starting to get into panic mode. I went into the store room for like the tenth time, and I looked at the stack of tubs I had bought to repack Christmas things last year, but never did. I thought...hmm. I yanked off the lids and found some Christmas ornaments I had bought on clearance...and ONE stocking! Yippee! I looked at the tag.

Brian's stocking.

I stood in the store room and sobbed. I came into the bathroom and washed my face. When I looked in the mirror, I thought, why am I crying.

I miss Brian.

I really miss my husband.

I really, really miss the father of my son and stepfather of my daughters.

I miss Todd's brother, Phillip and Denise's son, Trace and Tori and Zeke and Don and Luke and Isaiah's uncle.

I miss my Santa helper.

I miss Brian.

But I was crying because I was happy too, in a sense of feeling like he helped me finish up the Santa things this year. And that was a bit overwhelming. God I love him.

Even so, I made it back into bed and the house was settled. And I've said it before...of all the accomplishments of my life, making it through another year of pulling off Santa ranks right up there at the top!

So I have a busy task ahead of me. I am sorting this house again because I am moving...AGAIN! Hopefully never again after this. My dad is getting married. She is moving here and they are buying a different house, so I am buying his. I am beyond excited (other than the actual moving part), so we have to get busy sorting at dad's also...Grandma Eickholt things, my mom's things, 37 years of Heflin memorabilia. And hopefully get it all done and get my house sold in a timely manner.

There is never a dull moment in my life.

Fuzzy Feeling

2009-12-15T21:15:00.001-06:00

My dad, sisters and their husbands, and my brother and soon-to-be sister-in-law, along with our children, cooked for the Manna Kitchen last night. It is something new at our church, and we have taken from the idea of the Shepherd's Kitchen at the Presbyterian Church on Thursdays. A few other churches in town are also taking a night, and St. Gregory's hosts on Mondays. Anyone is welcome to join for food and fellowship. Often the patrons come that are in need of a good, warm meal. Many of them are looking for friendship and support. I had asked everyone if they wanted to do this together for a service project for Christmas, and it was a great experience.

We served sloppy joes, green beans, cheesy potatoes, watergate salad and cherry, pecan and pumpkin pies, along with chocolate chip cookies. Everyone pitched in to make something, and and the soon-to-be sister-in-law Rosie wowed them with her pies (she is welcome in our family! ha!).

While I was serving, a kid came up and said...hey, aren't you Mr. Halley's wife. He has no idea how he made my day. The sheer acknowledgement of my husband was so bittersweet. I proudly said yes, and we chatted. He asked me how I have been doing. I pointed out Tye, and he was just amazed that Mr. Halley has a kid in kindergarten! He and I have already had a few conversations about Brian since his death, as we do run into each other once in a while.

Then I sat down to eat with my dad and a few other people. Another young kid came up to me and said that the food was really good. It warmed my heart. Then he said...hey, someone told me that you are related to Mr. Halley. I smiled and said...yes, he is my husband. He said...well, I want to tell you how sorry I am about what happened to him, and that he was a very good teacher. I was overcome with emotion. I told him thank you for telling me that, and that he loved to teach. I asked his name and how old he was, and based on that, he would have been in 7th grade probably when Brian was in and out of teaching all year during his last year (the same year he had his major surgery before the brain issues started).

I have said often, but Brian rarely is mentioned to me anymore. I don't expect him to come up in conversations that much, and when he does, sometimes it doesn't even affect me because I think about him all the time still. But last night was a good feeling, just having kids that he taught remember him. And twice I got to say I am his wife. It actually feels odd now.

I did shed some tears, but they felt kind of funny, not devastated, kind of sad, but mostly just happy tears that he is remembered and we are still associated with each other.

Survival 101

2009-12-01T17:28:00.000-06:00

I survived Thanksgiving #2 without Brian. I spent the day with the kids on Wednesday since we were out of school. At the last minute, I decided to let Tye go to the farm on Wed. night so I could get some things done and also SHOP on Friday (considering I hadn't started my Christmas shopping yet). I had no plans for Thursday, and the girls had 2 dinners to go to. I did see them for a few hours and we made pumpkin/oatmeal/chocolate chip cookies (which by the way, do not taste like baby food as the girls thought they would, but instead were very good, as noted by the fact that they both ate 1/2 dozen or so...ha).

Friday went well, with me ~~spending money like it grows on trees~~ getting a great jump on my Christmas list. The girls and I left mid-afternoon and headed to Unionville. We have not been there since Easter. We have been so busy. But we are never too busy for family. To be honest, going to Unionville can be very difficult for me, and the last few times I was there left me crying for Brian for days afterwards. Brian is everywhere, no doubt, and I have to deal with that. But Unionville is Brian through and through. I had never stepped foot in Putnam Co. until I met Brian, and being there seems almost surreal. On top of that, Phillip and Denise did come to Maryville a lot also, and mixing in our hectic schedule, the next thing I knew, it was November!

We spent Friday through Saturday there. The kids and I had a great time, and it felt good to be around Brian's side of our family. He is very much still there. I never thought Brian and his brother looked anything alike until I haven't seen my husband for 600+ days. The facial expressions, the laugh, the voice and mannerisms. While he is very much himself, I do catch a glimpse of Brian when I am with him, which is both difficult and comforting. Even Brian's dad reminds me of Brian. One day maybe those reminders will only make me smile.

Pathetic or Am I Grateful?

2009-11-25T10:06:00.002-06:00

Something very awkward happened to me yesterday. We had our annual Thanksgiving Mass at school, and the kids brought items for the food pantry to the altar. It was a rainy morning, but so far the day had gone well.

I had my hymnal in my hands to sing as we were going up to Communion. The song was Harvest of Justice, by David Haas. I've sang the song several times, and I like it.

But I wonder if I have ever really paid any attention to the words. The 3rd verse went something like this...clothes for the naked, food for the hungry, (something here I can't remember), hope for the widow. I was singing along and "hope for" was on one line, and as I glanced down and saw "the widow", I had to choke out the words.

Poor widow. I wonder how many looked at me and felt pity. How many looked at me and thought, yep, there's a poor widow that we need to pray for. Suddenly the word widow felt so awful, and I felt overcome with anger that I am a widow. I even felt angry at Brian for making me a widow (how crazy is that). I walked the last few feet to the front of church to receive Communion, and on the way back, I felt in a daze. I kneeled down and told God I don't want to be a widow, and I don't want to be in a song. I don't want to be grouped with so many out there who need food, shelter and clothing. How did my plight end up being anywhere related to the hardships of the hungry and poor?

I am on the Ministry Center board so I am involved in a lot to do with the food pantry, and I have plans to start working on the clothing room side. So I know the needs, and I felt overwhelmed that I, the Widow Halley, would even be mentioned in a song.

It didn't sit well with me for most of the day. It has nothing to do with thinking I am better than those who need clothing or food. On the contrary, it felt more like I shouldn't be using up prayers because so many are struggling to feed hungry mouths. So many things ran through my head, mostly wondering if others seriously felt sorry for me.

Last night I was in the bathroom taking off my makeup, as well as finding some crusted cool whip along my jaw line (got pied yesterday for the American Heart Assn). Tye came to the door and knocked and said, why did you love my dad? Wow!

I answered.

And did you like to kiss him?

Oh, yes!

(Giggling) So you wanted to get married with him?

This whole deal kept me awake last night. The odd thing was, when I laid there pondering my widowhood at such a young age, I actually did feel sorry for myself. I thought, you know, this totally sucks, and I don't think I am ever really going to get used to this. I felt a little different about the song. Instead of feeling angry about it, I was starting to feel a little more grateful. How did I shift from being ticked that I sang a song today about widows to being thankful? I closed my eyes and thought I just must be crazy! Then I realized that I was thankful because someone noticed. The author of the song noticed that a widow would always need prayers, especially for hope, especially someone like me. I have lost so much hope, and I should be grateful that the entire church sang a song of prayer for me and other widows, young and old. And while our financial plight might be different in the fact that I am blessed to be able to feed and clothe and shelter my children without struggle, it doesn't mean that I don't need and deserve someone to care for me and pray for me. So somehow I became pathetically thankful....almost a split of feeling like poor me, while also feeling blessed to have a loving church family who prayed for me.

So how is it for a widow whose husband has been dead for 614 days (which is 87 weeks and 5 days, or 20 months and 4 days)...so how is it? Brian's name is rarely mentioned to me. I do have several friends and family who feel comfortable saying something to me about him when something naturally comes up. Besides that, several days go by with me grieving him silently, mostly because I am ok with keeping him and his memory inside me, even if I do it alone, and also because that is just life. It goes on, and it should go on, despite the fact that I am a widow. I don't actually feel sorry for myself, just sorry for what was lost, sorry for what my children went through and how it has affected us, sorry for Brian suffering, and for not being able to save him (even though I know I couldn't), sorry that my son has no father, and sorry that he is starting to forget things about Daddy. So maybe I do actually feel sorry for myself, I just don't know. I know that I am deeply saddened by the thought of another 614 days without him, wondering what the next 614 days will do to me as a person, to the girls, and to Tye's memory of Daddy.

There is so much that I am not sorry about. I remind myself daily to be proud of my belief that I helped Brian get to Heaven. I also believe that I brought much happiness into his life, and he was blessed to love and be loved by me, and by Rachel and Amberlea. I'm not sorry for spending every ounce of energy to care for him, although I do have regrets on how that affected my relationship with Rachel. I don't feel sorry for missing him, even when I have to miss him alone.

So I guess hope for the widow is something I should ask for. I do need prayers that my life would be filled with hope, that the sadness would be replaced by hope for the future. It is my hope that all widows out there, young and old, might be surrounded this holiday season with hope and love.

Another Year Without Him

2009-11-10T00:01:00.001-06:00

So today is the day that literally changed my life. I read another blog recently that had me thinking, and I am going to take from that a few thoughts...

Today is the day my story was written. Albeit a very long prologue, the love story started on this day, November 10th, 2001....the day that Brian walked up to my door and the rest is history.

As the chapters unfolded in the coming years, my fairy tale was a blessing like no other. My happiness was immeasurable, and there were so many more chapters to come. The anticipation of all the expected chapters, the excitement of the unknown chapters, all full of the story of a life I never saw coming, a life I always dreamed of, a life with the love of a wonderful man and a beautiful family.

And then one of the main characters died, and the whole story went to hell in a heartbeat. I keep wanting to pick up the book and keep reading to see if there is a happy ending. But each chapter sort of feels like I am reading the same one over and over again. I have hope that the future chapters will fulfill my life, that I will start to look forward to what will come next. My heart keeps going back to read the earlier chapters, and even the difficult chapters...all chapters where Brian was still alive. The ones since then have very special moments, great times with my children, but the fairy tale is over. What was born on that fall day in November 2001 is long gone.

And I am sad. I am angry. I love Brian, and I don't want to ever stop loving him. As another blogging widow said, he died, but our relationship didn't end. It does feel a bit one-sided right now, as I grasp at any hope of seeing Brian in my dreams, but hey...welcome to the later chapters that the author screwed up. My fairy tale has become a flop, a story no one wants to read, and one that I don't even want to tell. Thank God I have my children so I can feel more that the fairy tale never got finished, and I just went on to another book about the blessings of life.

But the Brian and Jenni story that started on November 10, 2001...what happened? I feel like a main character that is left without a plot upon the untimely death of the other lead character. And why? Because cancer ruined everything.

I am overcome with grief, and I just don't feel like reading the other chapters yet. I feel like I need to understand what exactly happened and how I feel about all of it, so I can get to some level of acceptance. I don't feel any better about Brian being dead than I did on March 21, 2008. It hurts to the core of my being. All I can do now is try to figure out how to better deal with it, to accept it, to accept that there are more chapters to be written, and that are worth being a part of.

For today, I just feel sad, and so be it.

Brief Hiatus

2009-11-01T18:11:00.000-06:00

I am so sorry that I have been on hiatus for nearly a month. My counselor suggested I experiment with taking a break from some of the blogs I was reading and following, to take a break from the melanoma website I keep up with and to take a break from just getting myself too involved in other illnesses and deaths that seem to mirror my own loss, subsequently making me relive it over and over. Her suggestion was to try it, and if I feel better, then I will know it was the right thing, and if not, then I will know it is a need still in my life.

I think it helped. It was suggested to me by more than one commenter on my own blog. Illness and death became my life for so long, and it is hard to keep from being obsessed with it. I know this probably sounds terrible, but in all honesty, sometimes seeing other illness and death, some sudden, some prolonged...it somehow makes me feel normal.

You see, I have come to realize that the me that existed before Brian graced my life is gone. Long gone. I spend my days trying to find myself again. So much of me has changed for the better because of his existence. And I find it difficult not to continually imagine how my life would be so different if it weren't for this evil we call cancer. I am working so hard to keep melanoma from destroying me in the wake of killing my husband. I remind myself that while melanoma did rob Brian of so much, while it did just whittle away at his body, it did not and never will define him.

So why now, do I feel as if it is defining me? Why now do I struggle so much to keep melanoma from breaking me? I was also robbed of so much, and the effects of melanoma contiue to whittle away at my heart and soul. It is a daily...no...hourly, if not even more often...a struggle I fight.

I am not going to get over this. Anyone who has loved and lost knows how I feel. The rest of you could never imagine, and for that I am thankful. While you may not understand my grief, it is real, and it is forever.

I have found in my own journey of grief that the sadness lingers like an unwelcome guest. So often, it is shut out purposefully by me, in an attempt to find some peace. Often, it is drowned out by the laughter and smiles of my children, or stomped out by the busyness and demands of my life. Those are the days that I can take a step forward, the days that are not as difficult to get out of bed as they used to be. Those are the days in which a thought or memory brings smiles and warms my heart.

But other days do still exist. I imagine they always will. God help me if I die and no one grieves my loss. For so many, the grief of Brian is healed, smoothed over by good memories, pushed back because grief is too hard to deal with and easier to forget. For me, he was my life.

Brian and Jenni and Rachel and Amberlea and Tye.

All of us.

And without him, I am lost. I am lonely. I am sad.

Days like today are particularly tough. I have some important decisions to make about myself and my children, and the loneliness weighs heavily on me. I miss the small things almost as much as anything.

Daddy driving kids around on Halloween.

Daddy cleaning up the yard.

Daddy playing football with Tye.

Daddy carving pumpkins.

Daddy kissing Mommy.

Daddy.

Daddy.

Daddy.

Why today, I'm unsure, other than I have found that sharing in God's beauty of a day like today makes me feel close to God. And if you know me well, you know that I have felt anything but close to God over the last few years. From the moment in the emergency room when I realized my own mother was dead, God Himself has seemed at a distance. I have felt abandoned. I have felt lost. I have felt betrayed. I have worked beyond all energy to restore my relationship with Him, and I am so thankful that He is patient with me. I am thankful that God understands my pain, and is willing to let me be really angry. I am thankful that He has stood by me while I question so much about the meaning of life and love and loss.

And what I have found is that when I feel close to God, in turn I seem to feel close to Brian and my mom. It is not a coincidence that I have suddenly noticed the different colors of autumn, or the sounds of nature, or the smell of rain. I laugh to myself because my mom always noticed those things. She always always took the time to stop and smell the roses, literally. She pointed out the beauty and curiosities of the world, and I overlooked them so easily.

On the night of Brian's death, Amberlea slept in our bed. I spent all night just trying to absorb the happenings of the past few hours, the past few months, the past few years. The blinds of my bedroom were wide open, and when I finally slipped into bed after 5 a.m., I could see the sky. And I felt close to Brian, as if I was seeing the same Heaven he was now enjoying. When I woke, the sun was just coming up, and I wondered what the sun looked like from Brian's view. I think it was the first time I really took in a sunrise in all its glory.

And I have done so everyday since then. Many nights I watch the stars. I have grown to love the view of the moon, again wondering how majestic it is from Heaven. And I have started seeing God in a different perspective. He is everywhere, and I am working to let Him just surround me and bring me peace. Feeling closer to God makes me feel close to Brian and my mom.

But it also makes me miss them even more. I want my life back, and I keep having to remind myself that it is gone, the life as I knew it...and what is left is the life I am trying to live now. It can all be so very overwhelming at times, and I think it will seriously always be a work in progress. Each days ticks off another day without them, and the further into time I go, the longer it has been since I saw them.

So when the sadness comes, it is pretty intense. It feels like a weight on my chest, a fuzz in my head. The tears and pain seem almost worse because it has built up longer. So while I am thankful for more good days than bad, the bad seem pretty bad.

One day at a time. That is all I can do. That has worked for so many months, and it is what allows me to continue to function. I can hardly believe the holidays are approaching so fast, and I am trying to gear up to face these special family moments without Brian, without my mom. I don't see how I can really ever get used to this.

Prayers for Another Rachael

2009-10-04T20:44:00.003-05:00

Please take time to pray for little Rachel, 3rd grader recently diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma.

Rachael's blog

Take the time to see her description of how this all started this summer. It is an all-to-common story that could happen to your daughter... How it all started

Please take the time to check your child's skin...freckles, moles, other spots. It could save their life!

The Royal Treatment

2009-09-26T23:43:00.002-05:00

Wow, the tears have flowed freely over the last few days. I wasn't quite sure what was causing it, beyond the normal, but realized finally after sobbing quietly as two of my children slept beside in bed last night that it is this whole Royals deal. I am taking the kids to the Royals game tomorrow, and it has caused some very special memories to resurface. It is also causing some anxiety, while also causing some unexpected excitement.

Brian loved the Royals. He was a diehard fan, never giving up on them. He had George Brett cleats. He had quite a Royals collection.

And he asked me to marry him at a Royals game.

For that reason, I have purchased a brick in memory of Tye's Daddy, so that Brian could always be there with Tye when he goes to a game. Brian wanted so much to take his son and go enjoy a game. So I will take him tomorrow instead. My Eickholt family also purchased a brick, so there are 2 with his name on them. Stacy and her family found that one when they were at a game a few months back, but we have not found the one I purchased. I hope to tomorrow.

So while the sadness has crept in, I do hope the excitement will overtake those feelings and we can enjoy a beautiful day together.

A Little Surprise

2009-09-06T21:49:00.002-05:00

I got to spend the evening with Amberlea, just us. Our plans for the weekend got changed when a volleyball bonfire came up, so Tye went to the farm this morning. We will go tomorrow evening to get him in Bethany and have dinner with Phillip and Denise. So with Rachel gone to the bonfire, Amberlea and I went to Wal-Mart, then to eat at Applebee's. She is really a lot of fun to be with. She has quite a sense of humor!

I had a windmill thingy that I had meant to put out at the cemetery. Amberlea and I stopped at the store to see if we could find a little something for my uncle's grave since his headstone is up now. It was just starting to get that haze of the sun starting to go down. By the time we got to the cemetery, it was still light out, but fading fast. We walked over and Amberlea checked out Uncle Gary's monument. Someone, looks like a few someones, had already put flowers out. Then we went down to Mom and Brian's grave and put out a little scarecrow and the windmill.

Just as Amberlea leaned over to put the windmill in the ground, the solar butterfly I put there last spring turned out. We both nearly jumped out of our skin. It was reflecting off Brian's monument, and it looked so beautiful. And to think I bought that for like $4! I wish I had bought more. It was the first time I've been at the cemetery in the dark (by the time we were leaving, the sun had basically set), so it was the first time I had seen it glowing. It changes colors every few seconds. We both thought it looked pretty cool, and Amberlea wondered why the solar butterfly at home doesn't light up (good question). As we drove off, I could see the light in my rearview mirror, and it made me smile.

So back home, we discovered that the little battery strip had never been removed on ours...got that taken care of and it is lighting up just the same.

&^$#^)(@#(*&%$!!!!!

2009-08-29T10:09:00.004-05:00

I almost don't even have the words this morning. I have been trying to take a break from some of my blog following, mostly because I am trying to focus on my hectic fall schedule and my children, and also because my emotions need a break. I missed checking a few last weekend, and was determined to wait until this morning to check.

Sheesh.

David Field and Jen Lukach are both gone. Both of them. They are melanoma warriors, but more importantly they are a mommy and a daddy to young children, they are a wife and a husband, they are a son and daughter. David's wife Tara was very supportive of me during Brian's battle and after. I followed his journey with a heavy heart because I could see the disease progressively taking over.

David Field - black mole the size of a dime on his back around the beltline. Removed in 1997, determined to be spreading melanoma. Clear until March 2005 (around the time of Brian's recurrance). Died yesterday morning at the age of 45. He leaves behind his wife of 12 years, a 5th grade son and a 2nd grade daughter.

Jen Lukach - mole on left arm about 7 years ago, diagnosed Clark 1 Level Melanoma. Cleared of all cancer, followed with routine checkups. Recurrance in the summer of 2008. Died this past Sunday at the age of 34. Jen leaves behind her husband of 5 years, and a daughter who will be 3 in October.

It is much consolation to know that melanoma can never hurt them again. Still, I am baffled that this disease just keeps picking off otherwise healthy people at an alarming rate. God help us all.

Football Frustration

2009-08-27T21:19:00.002-05:00

Tonight I got a kick in the stomach. I've sat through 3 flag football practices and done ok. Once I could feel a little lump in my throat, with all the daddies running around with their sons. But I choked it back.

Until tonight. Tye's football practice nearly sucked the wind out of me. I love football, but how can I possibly help this child really learn what he needs to know, what Brian would have taught him? I sat close enough that I could watch and listen and try to learn for myself so I can help him. And he SOOOO doesn't know how to play now, other than to tackle and run. He was able to tuck the ball and protect it when it was his turn, and he did indeed yank someone's flag off as he blocked them. Besides that, I felt the kind of anxiety I haven't felt in a long time. My sister said TJ could help. I know he can, and he probably will some. But I want Brian. I want my football-coaching husband to tromp out there with all the other guys and teach him some plays. I want Tye to run and play and get a pat on the back from HIS daddy.

Damn.

It is nights like this when I realize my anger still runs very deep. One day I almost felt a sense of anger towards Brian for leaving me here. I felt so guilty. How selfish! But today it was a feeling, the one where I want to scream at God and tell Him I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to be Tye's only parent, I don't want to be without Brian, and I am NOT strong enough to do this.

Wear your football pants. What? What color? What size? Are you kidding, how will I know all this? And I'm a pretty resourceful woman, I can find out. I don't want to find out. I want Brian to take care of it. I want Brian to take him to practice while I fix supper. I want Brian to have daddy/son talks. I want Brian.

I want a lot of things and it simply knocks the wind out of me to be reminded that what I had is lost forever. It made me wonder how many other dads weren't out there because they don't give a crap, and then Tye's dad is dead. The anger just wells up inside of me. I feel so lost. I simply can't fix this for Tye or for me, and knowing that hurts so bad.

Tye has been quite busy at school. He's been in trouble quite a bit...sat out at recess a few times, sat at the 2nd grade lunch table, got sent to the 4th grade room for rest time...I think he was in trouble 3x today. I want someone else to discipline him. I am worn out. There is only so much I can do. We have worked so hard on him going to bed on time and sleeping in his own bed, and that is going well. We've worked so hard on him not telling me no or sticking out his tongue or whining, on him picking up after himself, on him not punching in his "friendly" way, on him listening and not interrupting and not farting and burping and brushing his teeth twice a day and picking up his room and putting his dirty clothes in the laundry and putting his clean clothes away and closing the the refrigerator door and not eating a whole loaf of bread or a whole package of hot dogs and putting his shoes where they belong...

How can I keep up like this? I just want a break, and not the someone kept Tye for the night break...all I want is the let's raise this child together break, the one that was once my life, and was stolen from me. I wonder if I will ever view it differently, because for now, I am very angry. I have been robbed.

I keep reminding myself not to ask why because I don't think I will ever in a million years get an answer that is good enough for me. Nothing could ever negate the fact that Tye is without his daddy and I am without the love of the most wonderful man I ever met. That isn't ever going to go away, and I just wonder sometimes when the sadness will fade.

A Little Peeved

2009-08-25T20:50:00.004-05:00

I don't usually make it a habit to bash anyone or any organization, but I just have to vent. I read the news....all.the.time. It is like an addiction. It is also an interest of mine that dates back to high school. I was the editor of the high school newspaper, and I spent endless hours of my senior year writing and editing and reading. Since then, I rarely have read a novel (although Rachel did get me hooked on Twilight). I mostly read magazines, a lot of magazines. I like the short reads and the ability to start and finish a topic in realitively good time. I love the newspaper. I read it all...well, maybe not the part about stocks and such, but otherwise it is all interesting and fascinating to me. I read cnn.com every day, sometimes msnbc.com, almost always read the St. Joe paper online. I have learned so much over the years, and I like being updated on life and the happenings of the world.

But today I came across something that brought about some different emotions. I had a few minutes break today when my kids were out at recess and I checked the St. Joseph Newspress online. It seems a dead body (as opposed to a live body, I guess) was found by a trash collector in the parking lot behind a service station right at a busy intersection just before 7 this morning. He had been shot. A school nearby was also locked down...not sure if that is connected to the shooting. So I checked back during my planning period to see if there were any developments, and the front page had a huge picture of this poor dead guy on the front. The ONLY part of him that wasn't showing was his head, as the picture was taken strategically with him behind a vehicle, which was blocking that part. He was covered with a white sheet. I could tell the color and type of shoe, I could see the color of his shirt. His hands had paper bags over them and tied or bound somehow around the wrist, obviously to protect any evidence. I was in shock! What utter disrespect for the family. And seriously, he was found shortly before 6:50 a.m. and this picture was up sometime after 10 a.m. Can that possibly be enough time for even family to know yet? I thought it was in total distaste, and the more I think about it, it was disgusting. It wasn't so much about seeing a dead guy, as it was about respecting him. The news often shows a dead body on the side of the road, covered in a white sheet. We saw over and over again, Michael Jackson's body being transported to the medical examiner, also covered in some type of body bag. But come on, this guy had identifiable clothing and shoes showing. This guy's hands were in paper bags. I am not disgusted that I was subjected to that, only just saddened that our society has come to the point of being so unempathetic that this seemed ok to just put up for anyone to see. I wasn't the only one who thought that, and I'm guessing from the comments below the picture that the newspress must have decided that a) it was indeed out of line; or b) they might get sued; or c) they would have to hire someone to keep things under control from angry protestors; or d) their newspaper sales would go down because of the negative coverage; or e) someone at the paper realized it was one of their own family members, and started crying inconsolably. Let's hope it was option A.

I read another widow's blog this morning talking about being at the cemetery and how her feelings about cemeteries had changed from a feeling of being scared and creeped out to one of memorializing loved ones. I thought that today...someone will weep over this man's death. Someone will have to bury him and sort his things, and someone, probably several someones, will miss him.

Last night when we were there, I had to remind Tye that if he has to pee outside and we are at the cemetery, he either has to pee on the gravel road, over in the bean field beside the cemetery, or somewhere near Daddy's grave (because I know he wouldn't care) and not anywhere near anyone else's. Sheesh. On the way out of the cemetery the other day, Tye stopped at a freshly covered grave right by the drive.

Tye: Whoa, who is buried here? (This grave is right where we usually park, so there was no missing it).

So I walked over to it.

Me: It is so and so, he is a little boy who was killed in a car wreck.

Tye: What does that mean?

Me: He was in a car that had a wreck, and he got hurt so bad that they couldn't fix him.

Tye: Hmm. I bet his mom and dad are sad.

Me: I am sure they are. (I was thinking that I am sure I could never express to Tye just how sad they really are).

Tye: So what part of his body wasn't working?

Me: I don't know, I didn't know him so I'm not sure.

Tye: What part of my dad's body wasn't working?

Me: Well, it started in his leg, and then went to the inside of his body around his tummy. Then it went to his brain and that's when he started getting really sick.

Tye scooted some dirt back onto the little boy's grave.

Me: Maybe we should say a prayer for him.

So we prayed a special prayer for little Kaden and his mommy and daddy and sister before we left.

I would much rather have a normal conversation about dinosaurs or baseball. But we talk about what is meaningful in life, and our life is beyond normal.

Blog to Blog

2009-08-13T21:09:00.002-05:00

I can never figure out which blog to use...check out my other blog tonight HERE.

2009-08-07T22:25:00.002-05:00

Tonight was a kindergarten families BBQ. Tye had a great time playing at Bakers with nearly all of the kiddos who will be in his class (the total is up to 23 now!). My heart felt heavy without Brian, yet I did enjoy myself. On the way there, Tye asked me if we could stop at Daddy's garden because he hasn't been there for a while. My heart sunk...I was just thinking how bad I wish our daddy was outside loading up the lawn chairs and how so many others take for granted having their daddy around. And my poor child wants to visit a grave. As we got in the van to leave (it was dark) he said, we forgot to go to Daddy's garden. I said to him...what do you want to do? He said...I will remind you to take me tomorrow. So I guess that's what we'll do.

I have recently returned to my counselor. I haven't been since October. A lot has happened since then. My grief is very raw right now, and I actually am not going to share it all with you. I have come to realize this grieving thing is all my own.

Don't seem shocked to find out I'm not doing that great. Don't tell me you are surprised because I seem fine. I'm not fine, my husband is 6 feet under and my son is without a Daddy. I will never be fine.

Don't think if I laugh I am happy. Or if I laugh and am enjoying a moment or moments, that I must be "over it". I'm not over it. I miss Brian so much, and the pain of missing him runs deep. I am relieved when I do have moments of happiness, and I try to enjoy those as much as I can.

Don't think if I'm not crying hysterically that I don't feel like crying hysterically. I'm getting really good at keeping it together. This summer I have cried at Hy-Vee, in the car wash, at church several times, at school, and in several other public places. If you saw me not crying, I might just be cried out.

Don't tell me I am young and I will find someone else. I don't want someone else. You telling me I will find someone else makes me feel like I should "get over it".

Don't tell me God has great things planned for me. I've had a lot of heartache in my life, and you don't have a clue what God really has planned for me, any more than I do.

Don't tell me that God must have needed Brian. I needed Brian, Tye and the girls needed Brian. And God knows that. And yet he is still dead.

Don't tell me Brian wouldn't want me to be sad. While I know that Brian would indeed want me to be happy, I can't just turn my grief and joy on and off. It is what it is.

So where I am in my grief, I'm not sure. I am wavering back and forth between denial, shock, anger, sadness, loneliness, and just plain heartbreak. I am not desperate, I don't need someone to be with. I was getting alone fine before Brian. What I want is him, I miss him so much. And yet I have to figure out a way to live this life that I have now.

I have no hopes and dreams because they still all involve Brian. I have to figure out a way to be able to look ahead with things for me and my family, what is left of us. I have to figure out exactly who I am now.

So it is off to the cemetery tomorrow...not sure that was what I wanted to do tomorrow, but hey!

500 Down...18,000+ to Go

2009-08-02T23:37:00.000-05:00

Today is Brian’s 37th birthday.

Today also marks 500 days exactly since Brian died.

Time seems to be in hyper-drive. The sun rises and sets without regard to the fact that my Brian is dead. The yard needs to be mowed every 5-7 days, despite my attempts to will the grass to quit growing so fast! The seasons have changed and come back around full circle, only to change, yet again. The kids are also changing so quickly. Rachel is hardly recognizable from 500 days ago, with her stretching out, changing hairstyles and getting her top braces off. She has gradually and suddenly become a young woman. Amberlea is still my sweet little one who, even after 500 days, continues to always say just the right thing to help me feel better. Tye has grown by leaps and bounds, and 500 days has given him the chance to skip over a few sizes in clothing, learn to ride his bike without training wheels, and become a much better swimmer. He went from being a preschooler to being on the verge of starting kindergarten.

I don’t sit around figuring that up, but instead it came up in a conversation with Tye. I was sharing with him that Daddy’s birthday was coming up, and he danced a little jig then asked how old he is. I said 37, even though I know in my heart that he will always be 35. Then he asked me an odd question he has not asked before…how long has my Daddy been in Heaven? I said 16 months, and considering he doesn’t have that great of a concept of time, he seemed confused. He responded with…but how many days? I quickly added things in my head and said I thought somewhere like 400-500. That night I sat down to write a blog entry, and I used a calculator to add it up. That is when I realized that it was coming out to be so close to 500. A few more clicks of the calculator showed that August 3rd is exactly 500 days past March 21st, 2008.

So I have spent some time trying to reflect on the past 500 days. While the kids seem to flourish, I find myself in a rut, a stand still. I want to go back to before Brian was sick. I want my life back, and nothing I do can change that Brian is dead. I miss him so desperately that I feel sick inside. For me, this has only gotten worse because time has made me long for him even more. Early on, I was so relieved that his suffering was over, and I was willing to sacrifice any thoughts of him being here to thoughts of him being in Heaven and at peace. Now, 500 days later, reality really has set in, and while I still don’t want him to suffer, I am smack dab in the middle of just literally missing him so much it hurts. I barely went a full day without being with him, let alone a few, so 500 has basically been hell. Brian’s illness and suffering also pushed us into a deeper intimacy than others may experience, say before a sudden death. The last year before his death, we spent nearly every moment together. We knew what was happening, and we both wanted the chance to spend as much time together as possible. In just a breath, that was over, and I have been left to exist in a world without him, without his smile, his touch, his love and laughter.

These 500 days have taught me so much. I knew I would survive, and I have. Who seriously wants to live a life that you are just surviving? Just existing, just getting by? Each night when I go to bed, I thank God for giving me the strength to live another day without him. And each morning I ask that God might allow me to do it all over again. I also ask that I can somehow get through the pain, as I’ve learned I definitely can’t seem to get around it.

This summer has been hard for me. While the break itself has been great and being with the kids has been amazing, there has been entirely too much time for me to think about Brian. My brain needs a serious break from it all, and I think the routine of school will help.

500 days has also given me the chance to fully understand that I am alone in my grief. No one could fully understand the joy and happiness in my marriage, so I don’t expect anyone to really be able to understand the agony I feel either. I do agree that the 2nd year is worse. I would say it is better and worse. Better because I get through the days a little easier than I did, I find a way to laugh at things a little more, I try to soak up all the love I feel…worse because I feel like I am alone because society itself seems to dictate that the one year mark is the magical turning point in which someone should get over their losses. I warn you, if you think this, please reconsider being more compassionate. The pain of a loss like mine does not go away. Yes, we do have to and want to find a way to pick up the pieces and move on in a healthy way. But that comes over time. And as bad as this might sound, I feel like I am entitled to grieve for Brian as I choose, on no one else’s time frame. I have found that to be a challenge, even within my own family. We have grieved differently for my mom. I don’t know if I even really had the chance to grieve for her, and this summer I have missed her terribly. I was bound to finally feel the pain of losing her, and it seems to have hit me. Even between Rachel and me, there is a huge difference in how we choose to deal with all of this. She wants to only remember the good things, and I know she is very happy that he is no longer suffering. She knows he loved her very much and I do think she misses him. But that was then, and this is now. For me, I battle the feeling of loss every minute of every day. I spend all my energy trying to find a way to accept how my life is now, and to deal with this life-altering change. I don’t expect our feelings to be the same, and I can tell you they are far from the same. I think it has added to how alone I feel because it is not something we can share. We are both working to accept and respect each other, and beyond that, I just work to help Amberlea and Tye feel good about Brian and about him being in Heaven.

I have been trying to figure out how to really express what I feel right now. The best thing to tell you is there are brief moments each day when I literally and seriously feel like Brian just died. My heart flutters, my head aches, my stomach turns, and that feeling of loss washes over me and consumes me. Sometimes it can last for a minute, others times maybe longer. I think it might be my brain trying to remind myself that he is gone, really and truly gone. I have moments that I have to remind myself that this has happened, that he existed in my life, that I did feel his love. Enough time has passed, and enough of my life right now shows no signs of him, that I can almost wrap my mind around him never existing as much as I can him dying in my arms.

500 days has also shown me that the before Jenni is long gone. There are glimpses of me, and sometimes I feel like myself again. But I think that any hope of getting back to who I was is gone. I used to regret that, but I am coming to understand that if this was part of God’s plan, it was a part of my life for a reason, to transform me and change me, hopefully for the better.

500 days has felt like nothing, yet also felt like an eternity. I have so much I want to tell Brian. I loved to hear his stories and have him wrap his arms around me. I miss hearing him call me Sweetie. I miss his laugh. I miss the way he made me feel. I miss being in love, even though my love for him will always be, I miss the day-to-day being in love and being loved by Brian Halley.

Somehow I think another 500 days will feel no different when it comes to missing Brian. I have realized I don’t have to get over missing him, and it is ok to always and forever miss the love of my life. I hope and pray that the next 500 days will bring more healing. I pray for God’s grace to help me find myself again, to find what is left of me. If I live another 50 years, I have 18,000+ days of missing Brian. And I just can’t do another 500 the way these 500 have been…and for that, I beg God to bless me, to guide me, and to bring me peace.

Tanning Beds = Carcinogens! Duh!

2009-07-29T21:38:00.002-05:00

The International Agency for Research on Cancer on Tuesday moved tanning beds to its highest cancer risk category -- "carcinogenic to humans," according to a new report.

Read the rest of the article here!

Only in My Dreams

2009-07-25T00:19:00.003-05:00

He was there.

In my dreams.

Finally.

Not sure it has made a difference, but it was good to see him.

I will start my post saying that I do indeed think people have dreams all the time where they see their loved ones and they feel comforted. For me, this has not been the case.

Sometime after my mom died, I had a dream about something, who knows what? But what I remember is my mom was looking at me, like kind of making her eyes bug out and kind of scary. I sat bolt upright in the bed. What the heck was that all about?

And then that has been it. I rarely get to see my mom in dreams. If I do, it is insignificant, as in not an important part about the dream.

The same has been for Brian. Aside from one night when I basically relived him dying in my arms, he has all but vanished from my dreams.

Until this week. And it was vivid. Sometimes I wish I could think about what I want to dream about, then close my eyes and have it all happen that way. Instead there were odd things, like I was driving his car. Somehow I found out he was still alive, and I was shocked because the last I had seen him, he was unable to walk and bedridden, nearly comatose and very near death. I was so shocked to find out he was alive, and I kept trying to call him. Somehow his mom gave me a cell phone that had his number programmed into it, and she asked me if I was sure I wanted to call him. She said I made her promise never to let me have the phone. I just screamed and grabbed it from her. The phone was red...why does that matter, I don't know other than to say that this dream felt so real and was full of specific details.

I could feel the desperation, the anxiety of wanting to see him again. Somewhere in the mix, I had to wait for a meeting at school to get over. I was running and yelling and no one was listening.

I finally figured out that Brian had made me leave because he didn't want me to see him dying. He said it would be my gift to him because he didn't want to see me hurting when he died. I have to admit, I was a bit tee'd off to find out I had taken him up on it!

Then the dream kind of just skipped ahead, and suddenly he was getting out of another car and walking towards me. He was limping and his hair was thin, but he looked like the Brian that walked up to my door the first night I met him. He kissed me so hard and it felt the same as always, with his warm lips and prickly goatee, and I cried because I was so mad that he didn't tell me he was alive. He said he found something to help him get better and he was waiting to surprise me. Then he kissed me again and got back in the car and drove off.

I was walking around in shock. I felt like everything I knew and everything I felt was out of control. I was so baffled by the fact that he wasn't dead, that I had seen the suffering and how could he possibly have survived it. And why wasn't I there for him? I finally woke up and was a bit surprised by the way I felt. I closed my eyes and begged my mind to take me back to see him, but he was gone.

I cried several times that day. And I cried the next morning when I woke up and realized he hadn't been in my dreams that night.

Who knows what it all means? I've thought a lot lately about his treatments and how nothing we did helped him. I have also sort of had to remind myself that this has happened. It seems so surreal, and I can hardly believe Brian came and went so quickly in my life.

I'm hoping next for a dream about the Hawaiian honeymoon that never happened, or sitting on the porch in our rocking chairs, growing old together.

As for the dreams of the daytime, I still struggle terribly with my dreams still including him. I have a hard time having hopes and dreams for the future because I can still imagine him as a part of my life. I think ahead about family vacations and he is there. I think about the kids growing up and he is there. I can't seem to think of anything of the future that sounds all that great unless he is there. I find myself not wanting to have hopes and dreams because they will not include him.

I have come to realize that I lost my future. Right now I am living my life on autopilot. I am Rachel and Amberlea and Tye's mommy, Paul's daughter, Karis and Erin and Jacob's sister, an aunt, I'm a friend, a cousin, a teacher. And I am proud of those roles. I just can't figure out what my future itself is. I lost that when Brian died. I lost the very idea of growing old, of retiring, of traveling the world, I lost the dream of being a wife and being blessed with a loving marriage. I lost the desire to want anything more than what I have now. And I'm not just talking about falling in love again...I'm talking about wanting anything else. I am richly blessed with my beautiful children, a loving family, great friends. I somehow think I lost my own identity. I can't even explain it. It isn't like I was nobody without Brian. But the person I was when I was with him is gone, I am the after Jenni, I am the Brian-less Jenni, I am the broken Jenni.

So how do I get out of this funk? The root of my feelings is something that won't go away. He's dead. He's not going to pull up in a car and grab me and kiss me like he'll never stop. I have a picture hanging in my room that was taken a few months before he died. He was already in hospice, and he didn't feel good at all that day. I have my arms around his neck, and he is smiling the best he can. But I look radiant. And I don't mean beautiful or gorgeous like I'm bragging...I mean I look just lit up with happiness. I laid in bed the other morning and looked at that picture and wondered if I will ever smile like that again. I sometimes feel laughter and joy that brings smiles and happiness. It is there. But I don't feel like I just glow the way I felt when I was with Brian. I was so happy when I was with him. I feel guilty because I can't get past this. I know I won't ever get over it, but I wish so much I could. So the goal is to move through it, but it feels like crap right now.

And the 2nd year is worse, in its own sense. The outward appearances start to change, while the inner feelings just sink deeper. That is both good and bad, in my opinion. I find myself able to enjoy things that I couldn't before. And I find myself grieving in private much more than before. Sometimes when I am thinking of Brian, and my mind is playing through a million things, memories, what could have been, the amazing feelings, I want to block it all out. Then I think that it isn't fair that I can't think about these things, even if they upset me. The other night I was thinking about our wedding, and I just had this overwhelming feeling that I will never feel that kind of love again. Then I tried to get it together and remind myself how blessed I am to have been loved by Brian, and so many others never felt love like we did. And then that in turn just brought even more sadness.

I have come to realize that is what I miss the most, the way I felt when I was with him. He was the most amazing man, and I am thankful it was me who had my arms wrapped around him when he went to Heaven, it is me who is left to care for our son, and to care for my daughters he was helping me raise, and it is me who can still once in a while feel that pitter patter of my heart when I think of him.

Sorry to turn this post into a real downer. Being a widow is what it is. I will put my game face back on and try to enjoy the life I now live.

Melanoma Takes the Life of Another

2009-07-24T13:21:00.002-05:00

John P. Smith

Firefighter John Smith lost his earthly battle with melanoma. He leaves behind a wife and a one year-old son. He was almost exactly the same age as Brian was. Please keep his family in your prayers.

Damn moles.

Melanoma Lurks in the Ville

2009-07-22T11:38:00.004-05:00

Ok, I'm not sure how catchy that title was, but here goes...

I got a call yesterday of a young area woman who was recently diagnosed with melanoma. I know, it is a shocker because melanoma is not that big of a deal, and my husband was the only one to ever get this rare type of skin cancer, let alone, die from it!

You are reading that and thinking, no he's not. Well, you're right about that. According to Melanoma International, melanoma is epidemic: rising faster than any other cancer and projected to affect one person in 50 by 2010, currently it affects 1 in 75. In 1935, only one in 1500 was struck by the disease.

So if you do the math, our little safe, quiet 10,000-resident Maryville is home to other melanoma warriors. Statistically, there are somewhere between 135 and 200 currently affected. That doesn't mean those who are already dead (a.k.a. Brian). I'm talking diagnosed with some stage of melanoma.

And the call that came yesterday was for a pregnant mommy who will have her baby soon, followed by a PET scan to find out if the cancer has spread from the mole she had removed. I don't have permission to give her name, so I won't...but I was asked to pray for her and add her to my list. And you all out there have been so amazing to lift our family in prayer during Brian's illness and death, and during our grief...so I knew there would be many of you out there who could say some prayers for this young woman, as she prepares to give birth to her first child and faces a cancer diagnosis as well.

And oh boy, let me tell you that Katherine Heigl made a statement this week about the filming of Grey's Anatomy and what is to come of her character...

As for what happens to Izzie, Katherine said: "So, I won't give it away but, you know, I'm there so I'm either there as a ghost, on the other side or I survived a disease no one survives."

Holy cow!

I.seriously.don't.know.what.to.say.

But I've had a chance to think about it, and granted, I am saying this from a dead man's wife's perspective. I am thankful in a sense that they aren't sugar-coating anything. My dear friends on my cyberspace support group are torn between being very angry that she made melanoma out to be a death sentence, while others are relieved that she was straight-forward. My own personal opinion is that I will be disappointed if she doesn't die, or maybe be revived to soon be in hospice and then die, because otherwise, based on her current condition, it isn't realistic for her to recover from this like they do on soaps. I can understand how those living with the disease need hope, I do. We were there. We wanted to ignore it, to believe Brian was that small percentage. I personally don't think it is taking away hope to tell it like it is. I would rather have that, than to give a false sense of hope. We were ignorant. I tanned for our wedding, for God's sakes, and he was already a stage 2 melanoma patient! We were uneducated, and Brian would have been the first to admit that he just wanted the mess to be over and get on with his life, and he never really looked back. Would it have changed anything?

Woulda.Shoulda.Coulda.

The fact remains that melanoma is nearly 100% curable with early detection and treatment. So to say that no one survives it is probably stretching it. But I took Heigl's comment to mean that basically no one in Izzie's condition survives that. And that, my friends, is the God's honest truth, whether it sounds bad or not.

I chose not to jump in on the discussion with my cyber friends because I feel both ways. Those dealing with early stage of melanoma should look at her comment and think, jeez, I'm so thankful that I found mine early and I better keep up on my check-ups and treatments because this disease means business; and those in more advanced stages already know the statistics and are working for quality of life and for living with the disease, which CAN and DOES happen.

It just didn't happen to us.

My prayer today is for this new mommy to have a safe and easy delivery, followed by thorough tests and exams and treatment if necessary. I will keep you posted if I find anything else out.

So there should be 150ish people out there in the ville who are forced to deal with this. My prayer is that they all catch it early too. We can beat this thing!

Missing Mom and Brian

2009-07-09T00:29:00.002-05:00

I found this song from a fellow blogger widow. It took me from both sides, with so much I long to tell Brian everyday, and all the things I didn't get to say to my mom. Knowing that life is full of losses and it is a normal part of life doesn't make me miss them any less. Here it is if you are interested...Address in the Stars by Caitlin and Will. But if you've lost someone you love, just be prepared.

More Thoughts

2009-07-04T13:57:00.006-05:00

The earthly battle with the beast is over for yet another melanoma warrior, Johnny Deep. I find myself even a bit jealous of how he was able to spend his last months, enjoying life in the midst of treatments, going places. He definitely lived life to the fullest. I will miss his candid accounts of fighting melanoma and his will to live. Rest in peace dear Johnny.

And then there is Mae, who has also made her way to Heaven.

And amongst the many blogs I follow, I came upon little Kate McRae who could really use your prayers right now. She went to the hospital on June 29 with tremors, which led to a diagnosis of a brain tumor, believed to be malignant and very aggressive. I am unsure of Kate's age, although she appears to be around 3-4 years old.

Cancer. Again. Everywhere.

I am not much in the celebrating mood this holiday. I miss Brian terribly, and the numbness of my life is starting to wear off. I don't expect anyone to understand. How could you, you were not madly in love with this man. My heart is very heavy. The kids are all where they can at least still celebrate, and I am just listening to the quiet, intermixed with some fireworks in the neighborhood.

I just finished reading The Shack by William P. Young. If you haven't heard of it, check it out here. When I first started to read it, I had a hard time getting into it. I even ditched the book a few times and left it for a while, then started over. The book is about a man who goes camping with his children, and while he is helping his other kids keep from drowning in a capsized canoe, his youngest daughter vanishes. The horror sets in when they realize she has been murdered in a shack in the woods, although her body is never found.

Stop there...so I decided surely this book won't hit home for me, with this loss being so different from my own. Finally one night, I read on.

He has received a note from God. Or is it a note from her killer? He is so lost in his faith that he is willing to chance it to see if God will really show up, because he's got some explaining to do.

I'm pretty sure that is when I got sucked in. I was anxious to see if God would indeed show up, and just how in hell he was going to explain the brutal murder of his daughter. Why was she not protected? What had this family done wrong to be inflicted with this tragedy.

Suddenly, his loss became my loss. While so much was different about losing a child to a murder and losing a husband to cancer, our feelings seemed to parallel each other. So there was no going back. I couldn't put the book down, other than the times I had to make myself stop reading or the times I couldn't see through the tears to be able to keep reading....or the times I was so angry with God that I didn't want to accept what this father was starting to realize was the truth about God.

Without giving away the book, God did show up and he was able to see things from God's eyes, to ask Him those tough questions, to grow in a relationship with God. I guess that would be easy if He would send me a note and invite me to Hawaii so we could chat. Then I could hear it first-hand, what it is He wants me to do with this life, the life that is left after Brian. And it could only be a dream to get to see Brian again, to feel him and hear him.

So what about the book. It has me thinking, I have to admit. It has me questioning a lot, no doubt. But it does have me longing for more, longing to feel like I can be really angry and lonely and sad and still feel close to God. I am not sure those things go together. So the book didn't solve it all for me, but I have spent a lot of time reflecting and trying to wrap my head around what has become of me, what my purpose is, why i am here and what I am to do with my life. And those thoughts are exhausting. Grief is exhausting. Interestingly, lately I've really been feeling the pain, almost like I couldn't or wouldn't allow myself to feel the pain of my loss, and lately the pain is a stinging pain that I can't ignore.

I checked. The mail doesn't come today since it is a holiday...not even from Heaven. Maybe one day I will be able to heal enough to be open to hear whatever it is that God is telling me.

Urgent!

2009-06-25T00:47:00.006-05:00

You have got to take a look at THIS because it is a site full of pictures of actual melanomas. Browse through them and see if you have anything that looks similar. See if anyone you love has anything like this. I mean, come on, some of them are no-brainers, clearly suspicious and nasty looking. But others are faint blotches on skin. It varies so much. Not all moles bleed and scream something is wrong. Save your life, save the life of someone you love, and check it out.

I firmly believe that I have actually seen some melanomas around Maryville. If they were someone I knew, I would say something. It was a lady in front of me at the store once. It was a kid at the pool last summer. It was a person in line at the movies. All had what I would consider totally suspicious looking moles, only to be determined as skin cancer by an expert, but that can't be determined unless they get it checked out.

And melanoma is...choke, sigh...nearly 100% curable if found early.

Protect the skin your in.

God Help Me + a Little Laugh

2009-06-23T21:27:00.003-05:00

The Father's Day homily was about the plight of Job. Father talked about how bad things happen to good people.

And how Job kept his patience.

And how everyone looked and Job and figured he must have done something to cause all this pain.

And I cried. I kept it together enough to survive the Mass, and let loose in the parking lot. The Mass was for Brian. The lector pronounced his name wrong. I shudder to think that my husband has been forgotten...or at least his name is not recognizable. I think we should have one of those things at church like they have when you look online at a radio station...they announce names and they have the pronunciation listed too.

Not Holly, like HALL-EE.

Not Hailie or Hailey or Halie or Haley or Haleigh, all pronounced HAY-LEE.

Just Halley, like valley and alley.

May sound stupid, but it is like a stab in the heart when his name is pronounced incorrectly. It doesn't really bother me when it is my name, I just usually politely correct them. But anyone saying Brian Halley would, in my opinion, have to have known something. I mean it isn't anything new, he's dead for God's sakes.

I figure the prayers for Brian Haley Holly Halley all count the same, so I shouldn't be so sensitive.

The girls were supposed to serve at the Mass. I was thankful that we could have the chance to celebrate Brian's life together at Mass, and to have the girls with Tye on a day he was missing his daddy so much. I was thankful that the girls were coincidentally scheduled to serve so it wouldn't take away from their time with their own father. Brian was such positive influence on them, and all of our lives were blessed by him. The weekend turned out to be a very busy one, and the girls overslept at their dad's, which led to them not coming to Mass. It was accidental, and I am glad they still had time to do most of their morning plans with Tim for Father's Day. I hadn't made other plans for the girls to remember Brian on Father's Day, other than going to Mass together; so consequently, the day came and went with basically no mention from the girls about Tye's daddy.

I cried. I cried a lot. I don't even know if I shed a tear last year on Father's Day. This year was a rough one. I have come to realize that we all grieve differently. Rachel and I have worked hard to respect each other and how we grieve. Even so, I find that when I'm sad, I get really tired of feeling like everyone else is "over it". Especially because I don't feel like I'm March 21, 2008 sad. It is a different sad. It is a lonely sad, and a missing Brian sad. It is a sad that comes with all the firsts. I don't know what I want or what I expect. I have finally come to realize that nothing really makes me feel better. Sometimes I hope people will bring up Brian to me, and other times I hope they won't because it hurts so bad. Sometimes when I think it will hurt, I find myself smiling instead. Lately I have really battled anger because I think the reality of my life has finally settled in on me.

Grief totally sucks. A close friend told me that she thought the 2nd year was harder than the 1st. I don't know what I think about that. I think so far, the 2nd year has been calmer. I think I smile more and enjoy more moments. I do think that when the pain surfaces, it hurts worse than it did a year ago. I think the numbness has worn off.

I promised a little laugh, so here goes.

I have drilled Tye (and the girls) about wearing sunscreen. Tye doesn't fight me on it anymore. I have been clear with him that his daddy died from melanoma, and wearing sunscreen helps us not get melanoma. So today we were going to the pool...

Tye: Get your sunscreen on Mom!

Me: Thanks for reminding me!

Tye: Yeah, because my dad died because he got sunburned!

Me: (Sigh). Well, actually that isn't the reason that Daddy died. Remember I told you that sunscreen can help us hopefully not get melanoma?

Tye: So he didn't get sunburned?

Me: (By now I am putting on sunscreen) No, he had a mole that made him sick.

Tye: A MOLE! (Then he dashes out of my room).
And comes back with the book The Mitten, with the pages flipped open to show a mole.

As. In. Mammal.
MOLE
mole1
/moʊl/ [mohl]
–noun
1. any of various small insectivorous mammals, esp. of the family Talpidae, living chiefly underground, and having velvety fur, very small eyes, and strong forefeet.

I wish I had a camera so you could have seen the shock on his face. A million things ran through my mind, and I admit, a brief flash of Brian fighting off a killer mole did cross my mind. I can only imagine what Tye was thinking.

So I got out the skin check cards and showed him a mole...

MOLE

mole2
/moʊl/ [mohl]

–noun
a small, congenital spot or blemish on the human skin, usually of a dark color, slightly elevated, and sometimes hairy; nevus.

Tye giggled and giggled. While I do wish I could just laugh with Tye about some normal farting and burping, as documented in my other blog, I am thankful we can find humor instead of sadness in some things that are so serious.

Weekend Reflections

2009-06-20T21:38:00.004-05:00

Father's Day Reflections 2009

Around this time in 2003, I whispered in Brian's ear that he was going to be a daddy. He was shocked, excited, proud, nervous. He was elated. He took super care of me during my pregnancy, which was absolutely wonderful and miserable at the same time, if that is possible. I loved being pregnant with all of my children; and while the girls both caused several months of morning/noon and night sickness, along with constant throwing up, I would have loved to have thrown up with Tye because all I did was just feel like I was going to the whole time, while only actually throwing up sometimes. So with the girls, I would feel like crap and puke and it would be over. Tye was a different story, as I basically just felt sick a lot of the time and had trouble getting past it. Finally by Christmas I was back to just getting sick once in a while. I think Brian was just amazed that I felt so bad, while also being so excited.

I regret that I don't have the email that Brian sent on the day of Tye's birth. I keep waiting, thinking someone will realize they have it and send it to me. I don't think I have it. I want Tye to read it, to know how he felt when Tye was born.

And now, 6 years later, Tye has been without a daddy now for 15 months. 15 long months. 15 short months. 15 very important months. Tye has changed so much since Brian died. Kids that age always change so quickly.

I would be lying if I told you this has been easy, being both a mommy and attempting to fill the role of daddy as much as possible. I am happy to announce that Tye does NOT throw like a girl, so I feel pretty accomplished! He farts and burps and says wienie (which drives me crazy). The girls never did things like that. I mean of course there are little moments of farting and giggling, but nothing compared to a 5 year-old boy. I am amazed how many conversations eventually end up having something to do with farting or burping! I look at him sometimes and wonder if this is normal. Then I remind myself that he is all boy, and I can only hope this will pass. The other day he was sitting on his bed because he wouldn't stop. When he finally could get up, he came in and said...sorry I wouldn't stop farting Mom, and I love you.

The other day he had a pair of boots, about 5 sizes too big, that he was playing with. Somehow they ended up on his feet when he was along in Mom's taxi, and then he took them off. Fast forward to another day when Amberlea and a friend were riding in the van, with Tye next to them. Amberlea was just griping and telling him to stop. I looked in the rearview mirror just as he said...what! I love smelling these boots. He had the boot up to his face like an oxygen mask, and the two girls were just going on and on about how gross it was, and he just kept going on how great it was. He kept waving the boot in their faces and trying to get them to smell, and just giggling like crazy. (I had to finally take the boot).

Today Tye sat through a choir concert and a band concert for Rachel's music camp. We left there and went to the Heart of America Tractor Cruise, which came back in to Northwest later this afternoon. He had to have his picture taken by some different tractors and get a shirt with the same kind of tractor as Papa Halley has on his farm. Someone earlier in the day told me there were 216 tractors! Tye was dying to climb all over them, and he kept saying he really thought Trace would love this. I saw on Jamie's facebook that they were at a tractor pull today, so I guess my nephew already got his fill of tractors for the day!

While we were waiting for the tractors to come, Tye crawled up on a railing and was sitting. When he jumped down he was grabbing himself. I said we could get to the bathroom, and he said...MOM! I don't have to go to the bathroom! I just hurt my pee pee! Then he just readjusted himself and shook his head. (Jeez Mom!)

I have to admit that I have somewhat been pretending that Father's Day wasn't coming. I keep wondering if I will ever be able to enjoy Mother's Day for myself and Father's Day with my own dad and Brian's dad. I did enjoy taking Phillip to T-Rex last year, but it was a bit of a blur. I am trying to come up with a routine for Father's Day, just not sure what I want to do or how I want to celebrate. We will BBQ with my dad tomorrow night with his new smoker we all pitched in and got him! That should be enjoyable at least. Mass tomorrow morning is for Brian. I hate it when the Mass is for him. I love the thought of praying for him and having others remember him; but for me it makes me feel sick. Yet I keep having masses said. I guess it has come to be more important to me to have a Mass for him than worry about my feelings. I know it sounds bad, but I really struggle so much with my faith, and it is hard to be right in church and hear his name said, while I'm wrangling a 5 year-old and seeing all the other families all around church...and tomorrow will be worse with all the dads just glowing from it being their special day, and our daddy is dead. God help me get through this. I will never understand, and I am getting to the point of not even trying to understand, just trying to accept that this is for some awful reason what God had planned for us. Makes me feel so special...to know we were picked to carry this burden. Makes me seriously wonder why. Makes me feel so angry that God didn't save Brian, and makes it very hard to ask for a whole lot else. As bad as it sounds, I rarely ask for anything in my prayers anymore. I am sure I sound sarcastic. I just feel like He's going to do what He thinks is best for everyone, regardless of the pain that gets inflicted on those in the path. I know it sounds harsh, but my life is a harsh reality of God's plan being the only one that matters. I feel forsaken, mostly because I had found true happiness, I had a husband who loved me and our children more than anything. I pray often for God to forgive me for being so angry. I pray that He at least notices that I still believe, despite the gash in my heart and soul.

This isn't really Tye's 2nd Father's Day without Brian...it is actually his 3rd because melanoma stole our last Father's Day together. Brian had just had his first brain surgery on the Thursday before Father's Day, so we spent it in the hospital not seeing our children. A cruel twist. Someone please explain that to me, how they could have had their last Father's Day taken from them. Cancer is so evil. It pays no mind to those on their knees, begging for mercy and begging for a miracle. It inflicts a lifetime of pain, regardless of how long someone lives.

I'm going to try to walk away from that darker version of my feelings...

I feel so blessed to have been the one to make Brian a daddy. He blessed my life in so many way, and loved my daughters as if they were his own. So when the time came to share a life between us, I could not have asked for more joy, more happiness or more love. While we didn't feel our family was complete, as we still had plans for another child, I am so grateful that we met when we did and that Tye was a little surprise...God knew, so He undoubtedly sent Tye our way when we didn't think we were quite ready, so we would have as much time together as possible.

Tye was almost 15 months to the day when Brian's melanoma resurfaced. While I still do harbor so much anger for what this child has lost, I am thankful that Brian was able to live long enough for Tye to really know him, to love him, to remember him.

And Tye definitely has Brian's charm. He can pour it on at the most opportune times. Tonight he brought me a bowl of cereal and a Diet Pepsi because he thought I might be hungry. How adorable.

I am also thankful for Rachel and Amberlea's dad. While our lives have taken dramatic turns from each other and have long since moved on, I am blessed to have had him in my life so that I can be the mother of these two beautiful, amazing, smart, loving daughters.

God help me survive tomorrow.

I better go for now. Tye is desperately needing my help because he accidently changed something on the t.v. He came running and said...something is wrong with the Dalmatians movie because I can't understand the words. I listened and could hear bon jour, so I'm guessing he changed it to French...gotta go.

Determined to Keep Fighting

2009-06-19T10:55:00.004-05:00

Melanoma keeps ticking away at precious lives, at a rate of at least one per hour. The very word melanoma sends chills down my spine, causes my head to soar and my heart to skip a beat. I find myself full of anger. I feel guilty, ashamed almost, that at the pool yesterday, in seeing so many tanned bodies, I thought to myself...nothing will probably happen to them, why not them? I realized last night it isn't that I WANT others to be inflicted with melanoma, it is just that realization that it happened to us, while others blatantly ignore the warnings. Sometimes, as crazy as it is, I wish I could just give others a taste of the sadness and despair, the loneliness of missing Brian, and maybe they would really see.

I swore I would keep fighting. I found with our battle that melanoma has sucked me in. I am drawn to the stories of others fighting. I am probably one of the ones doing the most celebrating when others are beating melanoma, even though I would give anything for Brian's body to have responded to the treatment, I am thankful that some out there are beating the beast! I am pulled in to the sadness of others, losing the battle. I am devastated over and over again by those who have lost their earthly battle. Each story pours salt in the wounds of losing Brian.

I want to start a foundation. I can't. I can't possibly justify being Tye's only parent, and also being a single parent to the girls, and spending hours upon hours working on a foundation to save others. I spent every moment of every day trying to save my husband, and for that, I have no regrets. But my living, breathing children need me, and so the possibility of a foundation sits in the back of my mind for now.

Out of that desire grew the idea of a sunscreen station. Notice in the picture how I put Brian's name as large as could be. I am determined to keep his memory alive. Gone are the days of hearing his name. I am thankful to those who keep his memory alive in whatever way. The other day I got mail for Brian at my new address. For a moment I thought, jeez, he never even lived here. Then I smiled and thought...he is always connected to me, even if it is through junk mail!

Below is a picture of the sunscreen station. So far it has been a part of the St. Gregory's golf tournament and the Abrielle Neff Foundation Celebration of Children. If you have an outdoor event in the Maryville area that would benefit from a sunscreen station, please contact me. I love getting the word out. Thanks to the Mollie Biggane Melanoma Foundation for the wallet-sized skin exams. I got a lot of thank you's regarding the sunscreen station at both events. Several people used the sunscreen and a few even sent me notes saying it was a great tribute to Brian. I may have to buy stock in a few sunscreen companies after this, but at least people are taking notice.

More Heartache

2009-06-19T00:12:00.003-05:00

Melanoma continues to wreak havoc on the lives of so many. Bill went to Heaven, leaving behind his wife and child (also named Tyler). It is interesting how certain things fade. Some days I have to remind myself of Brian's voice, his touch, his laughter. Yet, upon hearing of Bill's death, my heart and mind were automatically transformed back to our own story, the sounds of the day, every detail of Brian's death, the feeling of pure sadness has not faded.

Please also pray for 23 year-old Mike, who also went to Heaven this week after fighting the beast. He and his wife were just married in April.

And then pray for Mae. She is a family friend of my dear friend Jill's. Mae is close to Amberlea's age, and is losing her battle with a brain tumor (originally diagnosed as a grade III astrocytoma, or glioma). You can follow her story here.

Another on the Edge of Heaven

2009-06-14T22:27:00.002-05:00

Please pray for another daddy, losing his earthly battle with the beast. Click here to follow Bill's story.

Random Ramblings

2009-06-05T21:19:00.005-05:00

So what should I write about? I figure some of you who still check on us regularly are figuring I fell off the face of the earth. To be honest, I know there are a lot of family and friends out there who do check the blog, but there are so many who do not. I have odd conversations with people who ask me things that I have updated on the blog, and they would know if they read my entries. That has made it hard to want to keep writing. I feel like I'm just rambling, and I am still trying to figure out what my purpose is. Then I checked the site meter tonight and I see that well over 100 people a day have been checking on me, and so maybe I should take the time to reflect for a bit.

So here goes...

I was right, at least so far. Time does not heal. I have always felt that way. How could I possibly heal from the loss of someone who had such a profound impact on my life? How could my heart ever heal from losing a love so real, so strong? How? My answer, it can never. My heart is forever changed. The deep wound created by losing Brian has become a permanent gash that will forever be a part of the makeup of my heart and soul. Yet, while that gash is there, it does get smoothed over a bit. Time does change how I have dealt with things. It still hurts so bad to drive past a neighbor's house and see a daddy out playing catch with a young boy. It stings. It burns down deep in my soul. But time has given my heart that extra space to skip a beat without stopping, that chance to just breathe and move forward...the chance to keep my emotions in check and be able to keep functioning. Time has helped me to better deal with things. Time has given me the chance to know (usually) how I might react, and to be prepared.

A month or so ago, I went shopping at Nebraska Furniture Mart for a new table and chairs (we were down to 2 wobbly chairs!). I had not purchased anything from there since the fall after we were married. Our account was still under Brian Halley and Jennifer Auffert since we had created the account before we were married when we bought a washer and dryer on sale a few months before the wedding. I guess when we were buying living room furniture, we never changed our account. So here I am at the check-out, not charging my table and chairs, but still having to give my correct info. Address? Nope, that is changed. And it is Jennifer Auffert? Um, no, actually I am married now (and then I start stumbling, almost for a split second feeling embarrassed in trying to explain this chaos). So, you are married now? Yes, my name is Jennifer Halley. So Brian and Jennifer? Well, um, no....I got married and then, and then, and then...(why the heck was I feeling so awkward?). So I just took a deep breath and said...well, I got married to Brian and he is not alive anymore.

And there it was. The classic look. I should not be so sensitive because the truth be told, she was very nice about it. Ok, so we should probably change your account then? Yes, probably.

I made another purchase later, so I had a couple of receipts. When I drove up to pick up the items I could actually fit in my van, the little drive up lady asked me for my account number. I glanced at the papers and realized their were now 2 account numbers, one for Brian Halley and Jennifer Auffert, and then a new one for Jennifer Halley (after that first transaction, they closed the other account and opened a new one). I have 2 account numbers, which one do you want? You can't have 2 account numbers. Well, (sigh) um, I bought one item and then told them my husband is deceased...

She cut me off politely in mid-sentence and said, ok, I see. And just asked for both numbers.

I actually was kind of glad to have the chance to easily change this...so many things have been a breeze, and others have been way too complicated.

Denise helped me get the house overhauled for the Eickholt Campout. There were 33 of us here at my house, and it was great to have so much family close. I did fairly well, aside from feeling very overwhelmed by Thursday afternoon. I was really missing Brian and sometimes when it hits me, it is rough. I am lonely, yet I like being alone. I am at the point that I don't feel like doing anything. I just miss him so much. I have thought long and hard about it. I know he would want me to get out and go do things, I just don't want to without him. I want my life with him, I miss him. It has been nearly 15 months since Brian's death, and I seriously don't long for much other than him. I do need a break from life once in a while, and I'll tell you later about a break I have planned. But for the most part, I just like being with my kids and by myself since I can't be with him. Is that so wrong? Other times I feel like it is a curse, like I am punishing myself for still being here, like I am holding back because I get tired of missing him and wishing he was here. I don't like to do things without him, and so I find myself just not doing anything.

I have had the chance to be active in the fight against melanoma. That, in itself, has been something that helps to smooth over that gash. I sponsored a hole at the St. Gregory's golf tournament last weekend, and also sponsored a sunscreen station in memory of Brian. I had a big sign made up and everything. I am very proud of it. So much so, that I have offered to provide a sunscreen station at the Celebration of Children on Sunday, June 14 at Northwest. See the sign below. While our losses are very different, I find myself drawn to them, as they do good in Abby's name. I can't possibly keep up with a foundation, although that is the dream, to have a foundation in Brian's memory. For now, I can do small things that make a big difference and still honor him. Thanks Brenda and family for letting me share Brian's memory at the Celebration of Children.

Brian's Memory Lives On!

2009-05-27T10:02:00.004-05:00

Thanks Brian Perkins for sending me these pictures of the new memorial that was built at McCalmet Park in Unionville. This is the baseball field where Brian played as a child.

I will include picture of Tye, hopefully putting up the flag, when we get the chance. We tried a few times this spring and the games were rained out. One last game didn't work for us because Tye had his own t-ball game!

Stupid Show and Stupid Tears (Spoiler Alert)

2009-05-19T23:27:00.002-05:00

I am totally ticked off.

Brian and I were obsessed with Prison Break. We didn't miss an episode. We TiVo'ed all the episodes and we would look forward to time after the kids went to bed to watch it. In the several months that Brian was really sick, we got out of the groove of watching. There was kind of a lull in the show and we just kept not finding time. We had mostly caught up. Then when he died, I didn't watch for a while. In the fall, I started watching it again. I even had a few times I had to stop watching because I found it to be so suspenseful that I would want to tell Brian how it turned out.

Which brings me to a different subject for a second...24 is getting ready to have its finale. Brian loved 24...I even rented all of them so he could catch up. I wanted to watch with him, but he couldn't wait, so I got out of the loop if I wasn't home with him. I remember the day they came on, talking about upcoming episodes. Sutherland had been in jail and they were on hold. Brian was saying shush and turned the t.v. up so he could hear. Then the announcer said new episodes would be out in January 2009. All the blood drained out of his face. I was speechless. He just looked at me and said...I'll never know how this turns out. It was an awful day, something so stupid, yet so profound, to know he wouldn't live to see the finale.

So back to Prison Break. I have watched. I knew the end show was saved, and I watched it tonight (even though I had a million things to do). I knew they were going to have a few minutes at the end to show where the characters ended up like 4 years later. But I didn't see it coming.

Michael is dead. He and Sarah just got the chance to be together. While they were hugging and had just been cleared of all that Prison Break was about, his nose started bleeding again. He had a brain condition, I believe it is hypothalamic hamartoma...in any case, it is a brain tumor of sorts, a genetic condition which is of great concern. I thought the surgery he had a few episodes back would take care of it.

But in an instant, Sarah smiled at him and I was thinking to myself how happy Brian and I were, and then his nose started to bleed. She hugged him and had a look of horror on her face, like she knew what his future held. Fast forward 4 years, and they are visiting his grave.

I was filled with a rush of emotions. I know it is just a stupid show, but I'm a sucker for things like that, and it was a bit too close to home. It almost seemed as if they had the chance to finally be happy and love life, and had it ripped away from them.

So I shed some stupid tears for Michael, and some much needed tears for my own love that is lost...the pain never ends.

Congrats to our Scholarship Winner!

2009-05-18T23:51:00.002-05:00

Congratulations to Maryville High School senior Crystal Moore. On Friday night, Tye and I awarded her the 2nd Annual Brian Halley Memorial Scholarship. I have such a fear of people forgetting Brian, and I struggle daily with this issue. It feels good to do things to keep his memory alive.

We will be sponsoring a hole at the St. Gregory's golf tournament on May 29th, in memory of Brian and to promote melanoma awareness. We are also sponsoring a sunscreen station, in hopes of keeping other daddies and mommies out there safe from the sun.

The other day Tye said, what happened to your mom? Before I could answer, he said...she had a headache, right? I said no, remember it was a heart attack. Oh yeah, he said...her heart quit beeping. By now he was climbing out of the shower and I was drying him off. He turned and said, so what happened to my dad? He has been asking that a lot lately. I am trying really hard to be honest with him, but also not scare him about being sick. I responded...he had cancer called melanoma, can you say that? He repeated me. Then he said...that's why we wear sunscreen because my dad got burned and it made him die.

Well, not exactly. I said...Daddy had a mole on his leg that got sick and the doctors couldn't fix it. We talked about all the things that doctors can help us with. Then I said...sometimes a person can get really sick, like Daddy had some things growing on the inside of his body that were hurting him. But you can also get melanoma from a sunburn. I told him...we wear sunscreen so we can take really good care of ourselves, just like we take showers to stay clean and we eat healthy foods and we watch for cars when we ride bikes.

He kissed me and smiled and ran off to get dressed. I smiled at him and thought to myself, how unfair for me to have to explain this to him. The he came back in and said...I sure hope I don't get melnanoma (sp).

Me too, God help us all.

Should Izzy Have Done IL-2 Instead of Surgery?

2009-05-16T20:52:00.004-05:00

Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

Below is an article written by melanoma specialist, Eric Whitman, MD. Currently, he is the Director of the Atlantic Melanoma Center and also the Medical Director of Atlantic Health’s Office of Grants and Research, which coordinates all clinical research throughout the Atlantic Health system. For quite some time, I have mulled over this little thing digging in the back of my mind. When Brian was first diagnosed with a recurrence back in April 05, it was initially recommended that he have isolated limb perfusion. These notes are from the World Melanoma Congress in Vienna. His writing is in blue, and my comments are in red. I guess I could say maybe I can put that little "what if" to rest.

Isolated limb perfusion (ILP) and isolated limb infusion (ILI) for melanoma were both discussed, by Dr. Eggermont from the Netherlands and Dr. Thompson from Australia, respectively. The major difference between these two techniques is that ILP requires major surgery and can be repeated one additional time but that ILI just uses catheters placed by interventional radiology, and therefore could in theory be repeated almost indefinitely as long as the melanoma was responding.

To back up, these techniques are intended for locally advanced melanoma in an arm or leg, where additional surgery would either not be indicated or may lead to an amputation. (Brian always wished he would have had his leg amputated, so that is my other "what if".) Only a small minority of melanoma patients would ever be eligible for such a procedure. (The reason why Brian did not do this, although he probably could have if we would have pursued it.) In this procedure, similar to our protocol for the liver, high doses of chemotherapy, typically melphalan but also Actinomycin D or Tumor Necrosis Factor depending on the medical center and country, are given directly into the affected limb, isolating its blood supply and thus limiting the exposure of the rest of the body.

In any event, the response rates to these therapies have not changed in the past 10+ years. ILP works slightly better than ILI. Most of the patients unfortunately recur and die after therapy. (He died anyway without the ILP, so now I am back to the "what if".)

ILI probably has more of a future. We just need better drugs for both regional and systemic drug therapy for melanoma. (We need more money for melanoma research.)
He also had a lot to say about IL-2. The percentages are not good. But then today, there was a role call on my support group site for all NED (no evidence of disease). Check it out for stage 4'ers...also including stage 3'ers since Brian was stage 3 in April 05 and advanced to stage 4 only 15 mo. later in July 06, then only lived with stage 4 for 20 months. This is just a quick sample, considering many of those living with NED only check in on this site occasionally because they are out just living life. I also don't want to downplay the importance of being NED at all stages, considering Brian was NED at stage 2, but that only lasted for 3yrs/8mo. before advancing to stage 3. There are so many out there living with the beast.

STAGE 4 NED!
16 years (Complete response to IL-2 at NIH in 1992.)
15 yrs. (had been Stage 3 for 10 1/2 yrs before recurrence) - has lived w/ the beast for 26 yrs!
13 yrs.
12 yrs. 2 mos.
12 yrs. 4 mos.
9 years
6 years
6 yrs. (diagnosed at stage 4)
5 1/2 years
5 yrs. 3 mos.
3 1/2 years (dealing with the beast for 20 years)
3 1/2 years (stage 3 for 1 year prior)
2 yrs. 11 mos.
2 yrs. 2 mos.
1 yr. 2 mos.
13 months
1 yrs. 1 mos.
1 year

STAGE 3 NED!
12 yrs. 6 mo.
11 years
9 yrs. 5 mos.
8 yrs.
7 yrs. 8 mo.
7 yrs. 8 mos.
7 yrs. 3 mos.
7 yrs. 2 mos.
7 yrs. 2 mos.
7 yrs.
6 yrs. 10 mo. 5 days
6 yrs. 1 mo.
6 yrs.
6 years.
5 yrs. 10 mos.
5 yrs. 8 mos.
5yrs. 2 mos.
4 yrs. 8 mos.
4 1/2 years
4 yrs. 2 mos.
4 yrs.
3 1/2 years
3 yrs. 10 mos.
3 1/2 years
3 yrs. 5 mos.
3 yrs. 3 mos.
3 years
3 yrs.
3 yrs.
3 yrs.
3 yrs. (no treatment, just observation)
2 yrs. 9 mos.
2 yrs. 6 mos.
2 yrs.
1 yrs. 11 mos.
1 yr. 8 mos.
1 yr. 7 mos. 21 days
18 mos.
1 yr. 6 mos.
15 mos.
14 mos. (this is a four year old)
1 yr. 2 mos.
13 mos.
1 year
1 yr.
1 year

Sigh. I am so very thankful for each of these melanoma warriors and the fact that they are beating melanoma. I am saddened to think that Brian, that we, did not receive that blessing. The reason for that, I will go to my own grave always wondering. It did make me think of another line in Grey's when Izzy's oncologist was working on Allison after she collapsed. The other doctor said something like...so much for IL-2...and she responded that when Allison came to her, she had 3 months to live and she has kept her alive for 2 years and that all they could do was try to fight it. What a blessing that so many are able to win this fight! I am very thankful for the fact that Brian had 7 years and 8 months from his original diagnosis (so many don't get that much time)...in that time he had a profound impact on my life, on my heart. We fell madly in love, we created a family together, he loved the girls, and loved his students and friends at school, and he blessed my life with Tye. So I am very thankful that whatever treatments Brian had, while they did not eradicate the beast, they gave us the gift of time.

I could totally contradict myself right now by going off on why we didn't get more time...like 16 years NED! Good God, the kids would have all been out of high school by then and, and, and...I better stop and just count my blessings for tonight.

I pray that you all heed my warnings concerning sunscreen and checking your body. God forbid, if you end up with melanoma, hopefully you can find it early and give yourself great odds for beating it. That goes for all cancers...do everything you can not to ignore signs that might be trying to tell you something. People out there love you and want to be with you...
Here I go again, what if Brian had his original mole checked instead of letting it bleed for 18 months or longer...and the answer to that, I will never know...

Back to Izzy, I seriously do not know what the odds are for IL-2 and its affect on the brain. Having brain mets is exactly what Dr. McDreamy said...that tumor will kill her. I am actually surprised at how much the other doctors were convinced that this immunotherapy would actually kill the cancer in her brain.

Grey's (Spoiler if you haven't seen it yet)

2009-05-15T23:08:00.006-05:00

Several people have asked me my thoughts about the Grey's Anatomy storyline with Izzy battling melanoma. I did not previously watch Grey's until I heard of her diagnosis. Actually, I saw it mentioned in my support group before it ever came out on the show because several of my cyber friends had pegged Izzy's illness as melanoma. So I tuned in because I wanted to see where they were going with this.

I watched last night's episode. I have to say that I am somewhat thankful that I didn't have a vested interest in the characters since I hadn't watched the show for a long duration, because it was hard enough to watch as it was. I have lots of things to say, so here goes...

IL-2 is the treatment that Brian was on in the summer and fall of 2006. He went to the hospital from Monday-Friday, then was home for a week, then back again M-F. He then took off about 5 weeks and rescanned. In Brian's case, not much had changed, so we continued this cycle for another two rounds. He was able to take 9 bags of IL-2 all 4 times he was there. This was the stuff that made him very sick. He was checked into the hospital, not outpatient, because of the severity of the side effects. He vomited, had diarrhea, fevers and severe chilling, and he was basically comatose most of the time. He took as many bags of drugs as his body would allow, and stopped usually because his kidneys were shutting down or because he had such severe diarrhea that they wanted him to stop. This also caused hallucinations. When he was home between treatments, he was tired, but felt pretty decent otherwise.
His hair thinned some, but never fell out the way Izzy's did. This has been a topic with my cyber friends, and most of them have said they did not lose their hair, although a few of them did.
I am not sure what exactly Allison was having done, but she acted like she was there receiving her IL-2 treatment. I am guessing there might be some variations of how the drugs are administered, but I am surprised to have seen her in an outpatient room getting this particular treatment.
I think it was totally Hollywood-ized on how Alex acted about the DNR. They are doctors, for God sakes. It will be unrealistic in my opinion for Izzy to survive. A stage 4 cancer patient does have a lot to think about when it comes to considering a DNR. I remember Brian just telling them he didn't want to be stuck forever like he was or be a vegetable, and if his body was that worn out, it was time. I can totally understand Alex's desperation to do something. I think the other doctors should have respected her wishes on the DNR, especially because she herself is a doctor and knew what she was doing. She will probably survive and they'll be glad they did, and I just don't think that is the case in real life. In real life, those doctors would have been realistically thinking, what are we bringing her back to?
I only cried briefly. Most of the time was spent in awe of being on the outside, looking in. I caught myself not breathing a few times, just taking it all in, the language, the scene, the pain.
So what caused the tears? Well, I did indeed cry when they kept shocking her over and over again. It made me think about the moment that Brian died. I had this crazy thought run through my head for a second, just thinking that I was not ready and I wanted to go back. At the same time knowing he was gone, I was thinking I should be doing something to save him.
The rest of the tears, lots of them, came when Alex was yelling at Izzy. Both times. The first time, he had told her to do what she wanted to do, and when she chose not to have the surgery, he yelled at her and told her she was indeed going to. I felt a lot of anxiety over that scene. I was happy to think that I never forced Brian to do anything. I could feel Alex's desperation, yet I felt he was being selfish. I also had a lot of months to realize this was happening and to choose to love Brian though it all. So when he was ready to stop fighting, I supported him. If things happened quickly, I might have reacted differently. And then the second time, when she couldn't remember...that was even worse. He was telling her it was his life that was affected too.
Izzy: I'm tired. I need a break.
Alex: You don't think I need a break? Suck it up.
Izzy: Back off. I'm sorry if this is hard for you, but you aren't the one with the short term memory of a carrot.
Alex: I'm kind of screwed. Not as bad as you, but not a walk in the park either.
Screwed! That is totally how I feel, how I've always felt. I struggled so much to share how I felt because I never wanted to make it sound like I had it worse than Brian. My fears became my reality. I live this every day. I don't get to walk away from it or take a break from it. I had to suck it up and just watch Brian physically wither into nothing. I was so screwed! This pain seems to be what hurts the most, that we had our lives stolen from us. Even now, I can hardly see though the tears to type this because it makes me so angry. I am tired of being a widow and an only parent. I am tired of being alone. But I am mostly tired of being without Brian, and there is no end in sight for that. I am doomed to a life of missing him forever. And it hurts so much to miss him.
When I watched Izzy talk about dying, it reminded me of Brian. She said if she couldn't be here, she wanted to be on the other side. I know he didn't want to leave me and the kids. I think he came to accept that his wishes were not what God had planned, and he longed for and looked forward to the day he could be free of the suffering. For that, I am thankful.
For the most part, the whole story line has been quite realistic for a t.v. show. There are some long term survivors of melanoma out there, and for them I always want to keep hope. New treatments are on the horizon. But if Grey's wants to really do a service to its viewers, they will let Izzy die, as most melanoma patients advanced to her condition do. They will do PSA's about skin checks and sunscreen. And they will have let people know that "just skin cancer" can kill.
And the hummingbird reference in Izzy's conversation with Allison? I think if someone did their research, it was a reference to this Wings of Hope story, as the hummingbird has become of symbol to many fighting melanoma.

My favorite line actually came from Meredith...I think it's important to take the time to tell the people you love how much you love them while they can hear you.

DIY

2009-05-05T00:15:00.000-05:00

The resources available to fight melanoma, to detect melanoma, and to save lives...it is out there. No there isn't a cure. Yet. But info is readily available on how you can do all you can to protect yourself. It is just a matter of doing it. Like buckling your seatbelt and not sticking your finger in a light socket. Check your moles. While I personally recommend having a professional check you out, you should also be aware of your own body. Check out the resource below on how you can map yourself...

Body Mole Map

Melanoma Monday, Melanoma Any Day

2009-05-04T00:15:00.002-05:00

Today is Melanoma Monday, the first Monday of May, which is Melanoma Awareness Month. Please take time today to ready this story from a woman who was saved by Melanoma Monday. It could so easily be your story. And she is alive and well, thanks to early detection.

Read her story here.

Jinxed?

2009-04-30T20:59:00.002-05:00

Whoa, did I totally feel like crap this morning, just a mere 3 hours after posting my blog stating that I was quitting. Amberlea woke up dry heaving. While I was laying on the bathroom floor rubbing her back, I was thinking to myself...oh no, that wasn't what I meant by needing a break. After the 4th round of heaving, I called in sick sometime after 6. I got Rachel up at 6:30 and headed to school for a few minutes to get some lesson plans on paper. I was hoping to stay home with her for the morning, then take her to Tim's for the afternoon as long as she wasn't still heaving. I raced home, hoping Amberlea hadn't woken up and started in again. Upon arriving home, I could tell something was up with Rachel. Pretty soon she was racing for the bathroom too, and the heaving continued with her. So I kept them both home, and little brother seemed fine. They were somewhat settled by noon, so they went to Tim's and I headed to school. I battled a terrible headache all day, likely caused by the fact that I was still awake around 2am, then was woken back up at 4...also didn't eat lunch because I ran out of time. So it turned out to be a long afternoon, but at least I was ready for the open house tonight. Poor Tye was at school for nearly 12 hours today. I hope that is the last time that happens for a long time.

So as of now, they are both feeling up to going to school. Tomorrow is a special day, as Amberlea's class is doing the crowing of Mary and she also has a banana split party for her multiplication tables. The girls and I are all looking forward to the 8th grade play that we missed today.

I'm headed to bed.

I Quit!

2009-04-30T00:37:00.002-05:00

Today I quit! Today it hurts too bad. More than before.

I have had an awful week. It has literally been within every avenue of my life. Each branch is drooping, some branches are broken. And I'm just tired. I spent a few minutes at my old house. I am closing on Friday, for which I am so thankful to God for finding a new family for my home. Amberlea was with me and she said...Mom, sometimes I miss this house. I said...me too. As we left, I was thinking that what I really miss is what I had at that house. My life was there, our home was full of happiness and love. Brian was there.

So I don't know if selling the house is what is making this such a rough week. I just tucked kids into bed tonight and thought that I just want to quit. This widow thing totally sucks and I just want to crawl in bed with the covers over my head and stay there for as long as I feel like. Even tea and fritos can't help me now (see my other blog here for that story). It has been one of those weeks that I can just see it all piling up. Like I forgot it is my bus duty week. And I actually don't mind bus duty because I like getting to see the other kids. It just catches you off guard when you don't plan on it. So when I found out it was my week, I was totally not surprised because that was just icing on the cake. The only thing better would be to have morning duty on top of the fact that it is my morning recess duty week. I love those weeks when I am stretched so thin I can't think straight. At least then, I don't have time to actually think about being a widow.

This single mom crap is a barrel of fun too. I am pulled in several directions. I have people in my life who can help me, but who are also very busy. I simply can't be in two places, and days like tomorrow just pour salt in the wound of being alone. Tye has to be at baseball at the same time I have to be at open house. Don't ever take for granted the life you have because something nasty can come along and take it all away. Where the C word is involved, it could care less how much you need that person and love that person. It shows no mercy. It laughs in the face of a mommy who would love a daddy to run kids to baseball and other activities. It laughs at a woman who longs for her husband to come in the door and put his arms around her.

My emotions are taxed today. I'm not sure what my next steps will be. Hawaii sounds good right now. Seriously. I would even settle for a resort in Mexico, but with the target on my back, no doubt I would bring home the swine flu because I simply can't catch a break. Maybe my house selling is my break for now, which I will gratefully accept. I try so hard not to feel sorry for myself, and not to wish harm on others. But I am simply baffled by the way life is, and how certain people suffer like Job, and others always land on their feet. I would like to land on my feet a few times Lord, so I might have the strength to get up again and serve You.

I read another widow's post tonight, and I realized something that may seem very obvious. The woman I was before I lost Brian is gone. The mommy is gone. The before mommy. The before sister and the before daughter. I am the after woman, and what there is, is simply what is left after the storm. I look in the mirror and I want the before mommy back. I want to know why I can't just have my happy little family. I want to know why God picked me. And then other times, I don't care because any reason He gives me will not take away the pain of losing Brian. And although I still work every minute of every day to live this, I know I absolutely HAVE to walk by faith and live my life, knowing that God is leading me and guiding me. I beg him everyday to spare me this pain, to heal my heart, to help my children while I continue to suffer. And day after day, I still feel alone. Every once in a while I get a glimpse that God is taking care of things. I made myself, forced myself, to turn my house over to God, to believe only HE could take care of this. And He did. And surprisingly, I owned two homes for almost a year, and the stress over this was never unmanageable. I always kept asking him to take care of this for me, and I am thankful that I left it in His hands. Now I just need to get Him to take care of some other things for me, some things far greater to me than my home...my heart, my mind, my own well-being. The part that makes me, me. The part that makes me who I am and who Brian loved.

I am rambling. Thanks for listening. I think I just needed to get some feelings down. I have actually stopped crying for now. I can't figure out this whole crying thing. It is like a dam just fails once in a while, unexpectedly, and the floodgates open up for how ever long my heart needs to empty out...sometimes a quick cry, sometimes much longer like this week. I think maybe some of it is that I have not had a break for so long, and I simply don't have time for that right now.

I haven't mentioned that there is a memorial dedication in Unionville on Friday night (May 1st). It is at the baseball field where Brian played as a child. I had a flag and pole and lights put up, and Tye and Dallas are scheduled to raise the flag before the first game on Friday. I think the game is at 5pm. It has been raining. It is supposed to rain tomorrow. And Friday. So at this rate, I can almost imagine that the game will be rained out, in which case we will reschedule. I just can't catch a break.

Ho Hum.

2009-04-25T23:59:00.005-05:00

To be honest, I don't feel like blogging tonight. I am hoping that just jumping in and starting will lead me somewhere. I have been at a loss of words (I know, can you believe it?) for several days now...but I want you to keep checking this site, so I want to keep updating!

The services for my uncle were a great celebration of his life. I have heard many stories over the past several days that have warmed my heart. Many conversations have been about my mom, which is bittersweet...on one hand it is so nice to remember her, and on the other hand, very painful. But if I could choose, I would rather still remember!

The week found me thrust into a role I haven't experienced for quite some time, and especially not this closely. The target on my back has seemingly put me on the receiving end of so much loss, so much pain...and consequently, so much love and support to see me through. I've been there, done that, yet I still didn't really know what to do when the roles were reversed. I have dug deep into my heart and mind to try to find what has worked for me, and tried to share those points at appopriate times.

But let's face it...no one can take away the pain of losing someone you love. I have missed Brian and my mom so much this week. I want so badly to go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare.

I thought I might get into feeling like writing tonight, but I just don't. I hope you will still check back soon. Please pray for Dean, who lost his earthly battle with melanoma early this morning, and pray for Jen, Johnny, David, Linda, Kadynce (4 yrs. old), and Chloe (9 yrs. old)...all fighting melanoma. Please also pray for little Kayleigh Anne Freeman, preemie I have been following and praying for, as her story has taken a devastating turn. I also ask your prayers for my dad's brother, who had heart surgery on Thursday to replace/repair valves in hopes of getting him back on the kidney transplant list. There are so many in need of our prayers.

Another Loss

2009-04-19T23:02:00.003-05:00

My day unfolded much differently than I had planned. I was going to work in the yard (which needs a major overhaul after some neglect this winter) and take Tye swimming at the college pool. I am thankful there were no set plans that allowed me to drop everything and run.

Stacy called last night with the news that her dad had a rough day. He has battled renal cell cancer over the last several months and recently learned it had spread to his brain.

Have I mentioned that I hate cancer?

Anyway, Stacy's dad is my mom's brother. Tomorrow marks the 3rd anniversary of my mom's death. How ironic.

So yesterday was not good...the night was very bad. By this morning when she called me before 7, things were spiraling downhill fast, as it seemed his heart was too worn out. There was still the hope that things might turn around. By 8 a.m., he had been moved to ICU and more signs showed the end was near. My other uncle was headed from Council Bluffs to pick my dad up and head down to Lee's Summit. I decided split-second to go also, in hopes of getting there to help with the kids.

I made it almost to Savannah before Stacy called with the news that Uncle Gary had passed away shortly before 10. A stage IV cancer diagnosis still never prepares you for the suddenness that can come out of nowhere and rock your world. I headed on down and was able to spend a little time with our family at the hospital, then stayed at Stacy's all day. I can't say I was any help really, but it felt good to be there and to offer my support.

For those of you that don't know, my mom basically died of a heart attack in her sleep at 53 years old. She was the baby sister. I am comforted in knowing that Gary could be with Mom again, as I know how much he missed her.

I felt like I was reliving my nightmare...cancer kills, everyone cries, no one knows for sure what to do, everyone cries some more. Yet I was so blessed to be able to be there with them, hopefully for them. I wish I could take it all away, all the pain and suffering. I've been there, done that, so I wish I could do it for them since I know I at least survived. I felt so helpless, and I was reminded how so many must have felt when Brian was slipping away.

So there it is, cancer wins again. I usually do my whole "don't let cancer continue to hurt you" and "cancer didn't win because it can never hurt him again" routine, but tonight I am just too sad to think that cancer has taken my uncle, Shirley's husband, Stacy and Chad's dad, the kids' grandpa...that cancer has taken yet another life. It is so unfair, and something I will never understand.

I am sure it will be a long week. I better get to bed. I'll leave you with a few Tye comments since he was with me today...

Me: Get dressed. We are going to see Brooke and the boys.
Tye: And Stacy?
Me: Yeah.
Tye: Why?
Me: (Sigh) Because Uncle Gary is sick and he is maybe going to Heaven today.
Tye: Hey, my dad's in Heaven! He can tell him hi!

We were on 435 driving past Front Street in Kansas City.
Tye: Wow! Look at that cloud maker!
(The smoke stacks were just puffing out smoke).
Me: Uh, that is not a cloud, but it looks like it. (I was just mulling over how to explain it when he said...)
Tye: Oh, it must just be a dragon.

Then we were on I-70, just past Royals stadium when we could see the MoDOT brown, cone-shaped bin thingy that holds sand (I think) to cover the roads in the winter.
Tye: Whoa! Check out that big ice cream cone! It is upside down!

I can always count on him to make me smile.

Prayers Needed for Yet Another Melanoma Warrior

2009-04-18T21:53:00.002-05:00

Please include in your prayers a fellow melanoma blogger, Johnny. His melanoma has spread to the brain, and the tumors have increased by 50% in the past 2 months. His time is limited to weeks. Please pray for him, for his wife Tammy, and for his young son.

http://johnnydeep1.blogspot.com/

The Feds Have a Point!

2009-04-14T21:38:00.002-05:00

I went to get my taxes done yesterday. My tax guy was pleasantly surprised to see me, considering I haven't had my taxes done until June for the last two years. I wasn't quite sure where I would stand this year, so I squeaked in under the radar!

And found out that even the feds don't think I should "just get over" losing Brian. Even they think there is something to be said about needing some time to adjust. Obviously, I could file my 2008 taxes as married filing jointly. After finishing the 2008 taxes, we were doing some brainstorming about my current financial situation, and how my taxes might differ in the coming years.

Out of the blue he said...well, you will still be a qualifying widow next year.

What? My mind was thinking, yeah, I'll still be a widow, even in 50 years. So tell me more...

The government considers that you will likely need more than the year in which your spouse died to get back on your feet financially, so they allow you to file as a qualifying widow for two years instead of one.

So what makes me qualifying? Quickly, things ran through my head...

He has to really be dead.

I have to really be sad.

Again, still dead.

I have to wake up alone every day.

Yep, still dead.

I have to have had no contact via the supernatural.

Still dead...

My mind was racing, and even though I knew he would give me an explanation, I still had the craziest thoughts as to what makes me a "qualifying" widow or not!

His response...a widow with children. His words...the government gives you a tax break on a second year when you are trying to support children on top of being a widow.

FINALLY! I think I have finally found something that made this whole mess worthwhile.

NOT!

But as I drove home, I thought to myself...good, at least our law-abiding, tax-rendering United States government recognizes the needs of those grieving the loss of their loved one. And while this is the least of my concerns, I do have to deal with the loss of Brian's income, which was more than mine. And I have dealt with that. It just was an odd feeling, to feel like I had a right to take the time to get adjusted. I didn't have to ask for time, it is just a given.

I guess that means I need to be "over it" by 2010.

Caution! Melanoma Widow Ranting Ahead!

2009-04-13T01:17:00.005-05:00

In my quest to educate others about melanoma, I find myself focusing mostly on wearing sunscreen, being aware of outdoor conditions (a lot of people get bad sunburns simply because they weren't adequately prepared, not because they don't know better), and skin checks. I rarely delve into the world of fake baking (pardon the pun). I mean I have to laugh (remember I fake baked too because I think I look better tan). But it is comical that we actually call it baking. There is a tanning salon out there called Tan Your Hide (as in leather?). They aren't hiding anything from you. The information is there. Hopefully you are smart enough not to fall for the winter blues ad campaign to keep tanning salons going all winter, or even the vitamin D deficiency excuse.

The other day I was doing some Easter shopping. I seem to really enjoy quiet time alone like that. It gives my mind the chance to wonder, the chance to focus, the chance to relax. I was quite distracted by the massive number of "fake bakers" out there. The weather was nice, and they were out shopping in full force. They stood in the aisle with me, picking out candy for their kids, oblivious to the fact that my child no longer has a daddy here on earth because of this deadly disease. But hey, the tan looked good. And at least they will glow when swimsuit season starts. It is totally worth it, completely. And even more comical, they pay...PAY...to have their hides tanned to looked so good.

Hopefully if you are one of these people, you are doing monthly skin checks, because if you are reading this blog and you are tanning, you have completely missed my gut-wrenching, heartbreaking story, and there is no way I can save you any other way but to hope you check yourself.

Or maybe you think it won't happen to you. Just think for a second, one person you know who has or has had cancer. Weren't you surprised it was them? Maybe it was a parent, aunt or uncle, cousin, child, friend...even so, you were a bit surprised it was them. And aside from the givens like colon, breast and lung cancer, there's a fairly high chance that any other types of cancer, you had barely heard of...all the sarcomas and blastomas and carcinomas and other omas...melanoma. Now think of all the people you know who are sick right now. How many of them have CANCER? Yep, if you are like me, the majority of them are battling some form of the dreaded C word.

I've been there. It was us. It is us, we still have melanoma in a way because melanoma will affect our lives forever. We are done (God willing) fighting melanoma physically, but I'll fight it every other way I can until the day I die.

Because it DID happen to us.

It CAN happen to you.

Do you do a self-breast exam? or maybe a screening for testicular cancer if you're a guy? How about monitoring your blood pressure? Would you go to the doctor immediately if you saw blood in your stool...or were coughing up a bunch of bloody mucus...or had blurred vision...or other crazy symptoms?

God, I hope so. You probably would. You would definitely tell anyone you love who told you about these symptoms to go. You would worry.

Will it be me?

But yet, people are willing to walk in and PAY to fake bake so they look good.

I want you to live. Think it over....

SOLD!

2009-04-10T15:04:00.005-05:00

Just a quickk update for now. Thank you for all those who have sent your prayers my way. I rested well last night, at least once I got to sleep! My head was spinning, thinking of when we designed the house and how excited we were. I want to sell the house, yet it is bittersweet. I closed my eyes and prayed that God would just take care of things. I am long past worn out in trying to control any and all aspects of my life, and instead surrendered myself to Him long ago.

I woke this morning and decided I wasn't going to budge on the closing date. I talked to my realtor, who let me know that the buyer was willing to keep the May 1st closing date I had agreed to. And in a flash, it was over...SOLD!

I've messed around with fax machines this afternoon, trying to get all the paperwork to me and signed and back to the right place.

I seriously can't believe this has happened on Good Friday! The Lord truly does work in mysterious ways. My faith has been so shaken, and I have worked tirelessly over the last few years to keep myself pointed towards the cross, towards Brian, towards Heaven, towards an eternity in Paradise. When I step back and look at myself, I realize I never have been in the mindset of NOT believing. I have never wanted to turn my back on Him. I just have felt such a ferocious wind blowing in my face, a feeling beyond my control that pushed me backwards, while still keeping me facing forwards. Does that make sense? It's like I'm traveling in a forward motion, but lately not going anywhere, but still in the position to keep moving forwards.

Today it feels as if the wind is dying down, like it is just a gentle breeze on my face. I feel close to Brian, like he is taking care of me. I can imagine him standing at God's side and asking Him to take care of this burden.

I don't want to ever come across that I am now a believer since my house sold. I was never a non-believer. My faith is still shaken. I just seem to be finding a few breaths of fresh air here and there, so anticipated, some unexpected. Three days ago, not much was happening with the house, and now the papers are signed and delivered. Now my prayer is just for a swift and uneventful 3 weeks and a smooth transition. My prayers have changed over the past few years. I pray more for peace and for God's will, for acceptance of whatever He has planned for me...for me to quit thinking I know what is best for me. So I never really prayed last night for the house to sell, just to let me not get all stressed out, and to take care of me.

And He did.

Sigh...

2009-04-09T22:18:00.003-05:00

Over the last year, I have said little about the sale of my other house. I have tried so hard to just turn it over to God, with the belief that He will find the right family to make that special house a home. Promising things were happening over the past few days, and now this afternoon, things are back to looking grim. The potential buyer wants possession by April 26, and I have a tenant living there. My tenant is being just amazing and doing all she can to help me, but this is nearly impossible. Originally, the contract read May 1st, which was bad news but feasible. I keep telling myself that maybe this is not the right family for this special place. I am again back to letting God take care of it.

Stay calm.

Breathe.

Sigh.

On a positive note, another serious buyer is looking at it tomorrow, so if this falls through, all is not lost.Life can be so stressful.

I had a warm, fuzzy feeling today, thinking how this was panning out right now, so close to Good Friday. I spent last Holy Thursday night making ink thumbprints of Brian on some items he had asked me to do, but time was slipping away. Everyone went to bed and I stayed up all night, sitting with Brian, whispering sweet nothings in his ear, telling him it was ok to go. I told him I would be ok, that I would take care of the kids, and that I loved him so much that I didn't want him to keep suffering. It was a night of constant tears, no break in the pain...a pain that was multi-layered. Pain for what I was losing, pain for the lost dreams, pain for Brian's suffering, pain in knowing that the moments I had feared were here. We were down to each breath, and I was clinging to each moment with him, loving him. Those were the most heartbreaking moments of my life.

So as my mind has swayed over the past few days between Holy Week 2008 and 2009, I have thought it quite interesting that maybe the house issue was being taken care of, kind of like a transition. I thanked God for helping me keep my faith and for doing what I trusted Him to do, take care of things. I have actually talked to Brian a lot this week, and had several people mention today that it is almost like Brian is up there trying to get things taken care of for me.

And then things changed tonight. I read this thought in another blog recently...God is still the same today as He was a year ago, as He was at the beginning of the week when the house was getting no action, as earlier this morning when things looked nearly like a done deal. HE was not worried or frustrated. So I will pray tonight for God's grace, for the peace my heart longs for, for the pain of the past year to turn down a different path.

I'll take some extra prayers from anyone willing to give them. I also ask prayers for Linda, David, Jen, Stellan, and Jonah. I have other things to say about Good Friday, and I might later.

What Thine Eyes Hath Seen

2009-04-01T23:32:00.006-05:00

Gosh darn it, if I can't seem to get away from the thoughts of Brian. I mean I don't really WANT to get away from him. After all this time, I still think of him with every breath. He is still my life, my strength. I try to run from the thoughts of him. Sometimes I'm running from the thoughts that take my breath away, thinking of his touch, his smell, his smile, his voice...can I remember his voice? But oh how it hurts to remember his voice. And other times I am running from the thoughts of him dying, of death, of loneliness...running back to the thoughts of good times.

Most of the time I am running in circles, never really finding a good spot to stop. I let down my guard briefly, and one of the two types of pain creeps in. There are days, and the last few have been that way, that I just can't stop. My mind is wanting to remember everything. I find myself shaking off the thoughts of him, the memories of our life, the what if's and the never has been's, the never will be's and the longing to go back to the days in which I felt such pure happiness. I was thinking today that I realized I think I already know what Heaven feels like...I've felt it before and I can only imagine how much more wonderful actual Heaven will be. I just don't know how I can survive waiting so long. I think about dying. I think about being dead and being with Brian. I think about this horrible feeling going away forever. I think about how time doesn't affect Brian anymore, and how I alone have to endure the days and weeks and months and years until I see him again. I think I am ok and then I think I am not. I initially felt guilty to say that I longed to be with Brian. But I've come to realize that wanting to be with him and wanting to actually be dead are two different things. I don't want to be away from my children. I want to live out a life to the fullest, just because Brian would have wanted that for me. I want to make a difference.

But I really want to be with him.

Thanks to Abby's mommy for reminding me that April is National Donate Life Month. Brian gifted two people with those amazing eyes of his. The link below is a story about someone else who received the gift of sight, and would give you an idea of Brian's gift. Please consider donating life and discuss it with your loved ones so they know your wishes.

http://www.donatelife.net/StoriesOfHope/TVAds.php?TVSpot=/TVAds/John_TV_30.swf&TVSpotName=John

I was determined to follow Brian's wishes. I did wonder what I would think about part of his body still being alive. I like it. I love it really. I love the thought of him looking out over Kentucky somewhere, helping someone else see the beauty of each day. (Kentucky is where one of the corneas went). I love the sinister thought that melanoma didn't get the last word, that Brian still lives on in our hearts, and most definitely in the eyes of another.

What thine eyes hath seen
others looked away
so unbelievable, so unfair
love ripped from the depths of my being

What thine eyes hath seen
the suffering
the pain
the sorrow and loss
the ocean of grief

What thine eyes hath seen
unconditional love
a loss comparable to none
a broken heart

What thine eyes hath seen
the look of a boy without his Daddy
the hole in the heart of a widow
the missing

What thine eyes hath seen
could not compare
to the glory that will someday be
within my sights, within my reach

What thine eyes hath seen
only God could know
the imprint on heart
and my soul

What thine eyes hath seen
a glimpse of Heaven
a joy abounding
a love that death cannot define

~Jenni

More Prayers Needed

2009-03-29T22:48:00.004-05:00

Keep the prayers coming for my Uncle Gary. He had a seizure on Friday night and a brain scan showed several small spots, obviously indicating disease progression. The feeling is that these very likely were already there, actual metastases from the kidney issue in October. The plan is for whole brain radiation. He has done well with the chemo, so we will continue to pray for continued healing and to rid his body of this cancer.

Random Thoughts

2009-03-24T22:21:00.004-05:00

I miss Brian.

So. Much. It. Hurts.

It feels good to say it. I have spent a lot of time covering up how I feel. Mostly that was because it hurts too much. I was tired of hurting, so I was ignoring my feelings. For the last several days, I have thought about him a lot more. I have let the memories and thoughts of him flood my mind.

And at least for the last few days, I haven't particularly felt sad. I do have an overwhelming sense of loss, yet the thoughts feel good to think.

I have always said that time does not heal. I firmly believe that. But I do think that time starts to take a different path, that your mind and heart start to learn to deal with the loss. And sometimes in the middle of that, your mind and heart sometimes decide they don't feel like dealing with it in a sane manner, so things are up and down.

Ultimately, I have come to realize what is probably not a surprise to others...the Jenni from before is gone. There are glimpses of me, but I am a changed person. I hope and pray that I can pick through the rubble and find the good, as well as the parts that have evolved and changed for the better. I hate that line though...how can I ever be better without Brian? But I know as well as anyone that most everyone who deals with a loss comes to the other side of it all with some knowledge that has made them a better person, some part of their soul that has been thrust into walking the walk. I always hope this mean I have a little more gold on my halo. Now I'm no angel. But I sure as heck believe that God will look upon me favorably for how I have handled the losses in my life. I hope to always keep these losses close in my heart, and cherish them as proof of who I've become, and as a ticket into the fast lane to Heaven. I know it isn't a done deal. I don't get that ticket in just based on what has been. So I still have a lot of work to do to maintain my soul, to continue to nurture my soul, and to continue to aim myself toward Heaven. I don't think I was a bad person at all, you know, before. So I'm not necessarily saying that I wouldn't have gotten to Heaven without all of this crud in my life over the last several years. But I won't forget the role it has also played. I look in the mirror each day, and I am barely recognizable. I sometimes don't even know myself anymore. I wonder what has happened to me. And then I remember.

I miss some things about the old me, the Jenni from before. I miss the innocence. I am more cautious. I am freaked out about stupid things happening to me or my kids. I am no longer convinced that things will be ok, because I have seen first hand and have lived through things NOT being ok. A divorce. A dead mother. A suffering husband. A dead husband. A child with no Daddy.

I miss being happy. I mean really happy. My children bring me great happiness. Beyond that, I often feel like things are good. Nice. Ok. Doing fine. So-so. Not too bad. Pleasant. Acceptable. Favorable. Satisfactory.

I just don't know how to get from here to there. I don't know how to do it, other than to go through it. It took nearly 3 days for me to recover from the hell of Saturday. I felt like I been in a boxing match, and I lost. My face was swollen, my shoulders were tense. I felt weak and dehydrated. I felt exhausted. Grief is exhausting work.

Yet I needed that. I wanted that. Does that sound crazy? I wanted to cry and be out of control. I could probably have lost it way beyond what I did, but I had to...no, I made myself keep my head on straight. I did throw a few things, but managed to stop because that was totally making me feel way too happy! I think I was on guard for some of the other biggies. I took the day off and made plans on the day we met. I was geared up for Christmas and it went ok. We had a big family dinner on our anniversary (although that evening was a bit rough). But this day was different. Saturday was sort of like a lifetime passed. Brian no longer existed in the same time frame as me. A year became plural. He suddenly felt past tense. Seems odd, I know, considering he had been dead a year.

Tomorrow is the day I buried him, the last moment I saw his beautiful face and touched his goatee, the last time he wore his wedding ring and the last time I laid eyes on the man who brought so much happiness into my life, enough happiness that could last me a lifetime. I am so very blessed to have been loved by him, and I can only hope that the memories of loving him and being loved by him will continue to just feel good instead of making me sad.

Thank you to so many who have sent emails and notes. My biggest fear is that Brian will be forgotten. I don't expect people to say things to me on a regular basis about him. But it does warm my heart to have his existence acknowledged. The other day someone repeated to me something they had told me a long time ago...that they could always tell when they saw Brian and me how in love we were. As I type that, I feel choked up. But it also makes me happy. He did a good job. So did I. We did above and beyond what we promised we would do, and I know that God was pleased with us...pleased that we had a strong Christian marriage.

Sometimes I think that loving him for the time I had him should be enough. But Brian was an addiction to me. He brought out the best in me. He wanted me. He wanted to know how my day was. He loved me. And I try to remind myself everyday that I love him so much that I am ok to live my life without him here so he can be free of his suffering. I love him selflessly, enough to be willing to cry my eyes out in exchange for him being at peace. Maybe his peace can someday wash over me.

Grief is very different for each person. I have found that I don't really care if people don't like how I grieve. I will admit that I have come to a point in my grief that I choose my words carefully. I talk about Brian only when I feel comfortable or someone else brings him up. I have found over the past few months that a part of me, a part of the Brian part of me, is closing off. I am starting to keep certain things to myself. I pass up the chance to point things out that Brian would have liked, for fear of making someone uncomfortable, or worse, getting no response. At first that angered me. Then I started feeling like it was harder to bring him up myself, then have people look at me so strangely (it is a distinct look, that look like...oh my God, she just said something about her husband who has been dead for a year). I have several people who I still feel very comfortable to talk to about Brian, about his life, about the things that were special to me. I'm not necessarily saying I don't feel like I can talk about him when I want to...more that talking about him doesn't always make me feel good. A friend from Camp Carousel said after a year she had a few friends that kind of treated her like, come on, it is time to put your big girl panties on now! And they couldn't handle that she was still grieving. And the fact remains, I will always grieve for Brian. And the fact also remains that my grief is evolving, and will always be evolving. So I'm not going to get over it. But it is ok with me if others are over it. It is ok with me if others are past feeling sad about him, and just enjoy the good memories. It is ok. It is really ok. It hurts, but it is ok.

My grief has to be my own. The things that cause me pain are my own. Brian's cologne makes me smile (even in mass quantities if Tye gets ahold of it), but baseball and racing on t.v. could make me throw up. Many things I thought would be triggers turned out to be warm fuzzies; I have actually been blindsided by most of my trigger points.

Gosh, I've rambled tonight. I want to get my feelings out. I have started a book. Several people have asked me. I don't know where I'll go with it. It may just become a healing avenue for me. I guess we'll see. But getting the feelings down on paper, getting them out of my head and heart, has helped. I'm determined to move, at least keep moving. I'm not sure about moving on, or moving past, but at least staying in motion is good for now.

The Time Has Come

2009-03-22T15:31:00.005-05:00

The time has come for me to shift the focus of this blog. I have thought long and hard on how and if I wanted to continue this blog. I can't seem to find a way to stop fighting melanoma, as it continues to cheat, steal and rob people of time with their precious loved ones. So after much thought and consideration, I have decided to maintain this blog because it has played such a vital role in my healing process. This has become my life, at least this side of my life. And I can't and don't want to stop. But I have found myself over the last several months in limbo...I want to share my feelings, my true feelings of being a melanoma widow. I have lots of other things I also want to share about my feelings on the derailment of my life. But I struggle often with having really amazing and fun things to tell about the kids, while something somber is going on in the melanoma/cancer world. So the idea came to me to split the blogs. I intend to keep most of the information on both blogs separate. I will nearly always post pictures of the kids and what's happening on the other blog, unless it has something to do with our loss. I will likely share some things on the other blog sometimes that has to do with our loss, but hey...welcome to our life! I will do everything I can not to duplicate the information, in hopes that you will still check in on both blogs to see how I'm doing and what is going on in the war on melanoma, and to see how our family is doing.

So here it is http://www.momto3gr8kidz.blogspot.com/ Enjoy!

Some of you that remembered might have been surprised that I didn't post yesterday, being the one year anniversary of Brian's death. It by far was the worst day I have had. The floodgates opened and I lost all control. I had tucked the pain away for a while, dealing with little breakdowns here and there; but yesterday was different. I kind of felt entitled to lose it, and I did.

I went with Rachel and some friends to get the Twilight DVD at midnight. By the time I got home, I just couldn't sleep and had to watch the movie since I hadn't seen it. I could feel the lump welling up in my throat as I climbed the stairs for bed. It didn't matter that I stayed up late, I couldn't avoid the inevitable. I was a bit surprised at how angry I felt. I felt like crap when I got up because there was so much tension in my shoulders and neck.

I woke to the doorbell. I had only been in bed about 5 hours and how long of that was spent sleeping, I'm not sure. I peeked out and couldn't see anyone. After a few more dings, I realized I had a sneaky visitor. Amberlea had left me flowers on the front porch. She came running around the house with a garden bunny. She asked if she could stay while Abby had some things to do, and I welcomed the company. Of course, I cried and cried. I thought the bunny was for Easter, until she told me that no, the bunny was the one from the story (Guess How Much I Love You)...more tears. The good thing is that she didn't start crying. Usually I have to be very careful not to upset her. She just smiled and rubbed my back. So I pulled on some clothes and we went to the cemetery. She put the bunny out there, and we'll go back and get it later in the week for our flower garden here. We had lots of time to chat, and I welcomed the beautiful weather, which seemed to somewhat help my spirits. I told her I was sure that God made her be so sweet because he knew I would need a kid like her. She is always the one who does all the little sentimental things. She had also written me a prayer, asking God to take care of me because of all I had been through. Thanks to Abby for helping run Amberlea around to do something special for me. It meant a lot to me and Amberlea both.

Jill brought a beautiful vase of tulips by, and we had a nice visit about various things, including the fact that so many out there just don't get it, they just don't cherish what they have. Jill has always been there for me, and it felt good to see her. Others showered me with kindness. I got a beautiful cross earlier in week, and I have lots of nice cards and notes of encouragement from several people. Each one seemed to just say the right thing. I am blessed to have the love and support of so many. I had a few phone calls. My dad had left a note and flowers for the 4 of us on Friday night. And Karis made me a beautiful keepsake box with some pictures of Brian. I have several things in mind I can keep in there. I also know that lots of others were praying for us and thinking of us, even if I didn't see them or hear from them.

The 5pm Mass last night was for Brian. I worried how I would do, considering he died shortly after 5pm. But by the time Mass came around, I had cried my eyes out and was kind of just numb. I am happy to say that Mary Kay makeup can cover up a lot, although I think my left eye was slightly swollen shut and I had a fat top lip. I took Tye to the cemetery to drop off his little flags he wanted to leave. He jumped out of the van and ran across the grass yelling, Daddy, Daddy. That like to have killed me. Someone special in our lives (I suspect who it was) left a package out there for our family, including gifts for each kid and me. Tye got a soccer ball, which he ran around kicking next to Brian's grave. Life is so odd. A few times the soccer ball bounced off the gravestone. I kept wondering how I got to this point in my life.

Rachel was another story. She didn't have anything to say. The kids helped me take up the gifts at Mass, and she seemed to enjoy that. I got a good hug during the day, and otherwise she opted not to go to the cemetery. I asked her if she wanted to take her garden cross out there, and she said no, maybe another day. I am working really hard to let her grieve the way she chooses, and I don't want to ever force her to go to the cemetery. For gosh sakes, I go only when I feel like it, and I want that for the kids too. I have even driven through the cemetery sometimes and decided not to get out because I didn't feel like it. So for now, the garden cross sits in my van. Rachel has always been the one that has gotten along the best, mostly because I think she focused on how much he was suffering, and she is so thankful he is free now. I promised her before Christmas that I would work to respect how she wanted to remember Brian if she would also show me the same respect. I believe that has worked well, and we are each getting the chance to heal as we need to.

With all of this, yesterday was the saddest day of all for me since Brian has been gone. I looked at Tye and thought that Brian has missed 1/5 of his life now. I know Brian is here with us, blah, blah, blah.

I was glad to see yesterday go, and can only hope for continued healing in the days to come. Today has been much better. See the other blog for a few funnies!

Grey's Anatomy Spoiler Alert

2009-03-13T23:35:00.003-05:00

If you have TiVo'ed Grey's Anatomy and haven't watched it, you have been warned that I'm going to discuss Thursday's episode below.

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So here goes. I don't watch this show. I started to when I realized Dr. McDreamy was the nerdy kid from the movie I watch on my first date (Can't Buy Me Love). Grey's started up when we already had several shows we couldn't keep up with. I have like 50 episodes of House TiVo'ed right now and I'm trying to get all caught up with him, by either watching or deleting, so I've never ventured over to watch Grey's.

But I am now. Izzy (Katherine Heigl) found out her diagnosis on Thursday, and she has malignant melanoma. She had a mole removed a few weeks back, and it is in her brain and liver. I'm going to maybe sound crazy here because I know this is just a show. But I can only hope and pray that this is how they have chosen to kill off Heigl since it is rumored she is leaving the show. Her diagnosis is automatically stage IV, and has been given a 5% survival rate. I so hope her disease can be depicted in realistic fashion. Yes, some stage IV'ers live out full lives for several years. We know that....WE, meaning the melanoma world. But the rest of the world, well a lot of them don't even know what melanoma is, or refer to it as "just skin cancer"...or my all time favorite...if you have to get a cancer, skin cancer is the best one to get. I'm out to change that attitude, to get the word out, to get people to check their skin and listen to symptoms, and stop tanning. A scary fact is that many stage IV melanoma patients are asymptomatic, meaning they have no signs of disease. Often by the time it is diagnosed, it has advanced to a stage that makes it very difficult to stop.

Grey's has 13 Million viewers. It takes a lot to get the word out to 13,000,000 people, so I hope Grey's can do it in a manner that honors those lost to the disease, and brings about an awareness that has an impact on lives.

I plan to start watching, although I am not sure I can watch her die, if that is what happens. That is a bit too real for me...

Prayers for Yet Another Young Mommy

2009-03-11T22:58:00.002-05:00

http://www.shawndraturner.blogspot.com/

Prayers needed tonight for yet another young mommy, Shawdra Turner, who is nearing the end of her earthly battle with colon cancer. May God surround them with peace and love in this most difficult time.

2nd Annual Brian Halley Memorial Scholarship Announcement

2009-03-07T23:16:00.002-06:00

I was battling blogger a little tonight, trying to insert the publisher document on the scholarship for this spring. I finally found a way, and it came out big and huge, but it is sure to catch some attention. If you know any Maryville High School seniors, please encourage them to apply for this scholarship. I am keeping a binder with all the essays for Tye to read someday, and I hope to have lots of stories about his Daddy.

At this point, I do not know how to add a word document to blogger. If you need a copy of the scholarship application, just email me or post a comment, and I will email it to you. They are also available in the counselor's office at the high school.

I can hardly believe I am getting the scholarship ready again. March has been a rough month for me, and there are days that I almost can't breathe. As crazy as it sounds (I've always said losing the love of your life can make you crazy), I find myself thinking about what I was doing a year ago, and how each day draws me that much closer to the mark in which a year has passed. Today in 2008, I was terribly sick with strep, a day that is etched in my mind because it was like salt in the wound. Brian was the only one in the house who felt worth a crud, if you can believe that, and I wasted our last day together being so dang sick on the couch. By the time the next day came (Mar. 8) and I started to get my energy back, his condition had headed down a path that he could not return from.

I have to stop. I sometimes can't rehash it, because the end of the story is always the same.

Interesting Parkinson's/Melanoma Link

2009-03-07T00:21:00.002-06:00

I came across this very interesting article regarding the link between Parkinson's and melanoma. The investigators found that a family history of melanoma almost doubled the likelihood of developing Parkinson's disease.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090217/hl_nm/us_parkinsons_melanoma_1

While I'm not thrilled to learn of the possible link, I can only hope something positive could come from this knowledge. Possibly doctors will be able to better screen for both diseases; and who knows, maybe there will be advancement in the treatments by borrowing research from each field. Otherwise, it just make me worry about Tye and other family members that much more.

Still, I find it quite interesting...

Rachel's Fantastic Adventures

2009-03-05T19:32:00.002-06:00

God, I love 12 year olds!

We are reading The Watsons Go to Birmingham at school, and the oldest boy, Byron, gets himself in a lot of trouble throughout the book. His parents refer to his shenanigans as "Byron's Fantastic Adventures". Rachel has officially started her own list of adventures!

We totally were overdue for something. My mind tried to imagine what might be next. It always seems to be something. Even knowing that, I was oblivious to the catastrophe waiting in the wings.

Rachel had youth group last night, and after I picked her up, we were just kind of hanging out at home. It was starting to get late, and I was helping Amberlea make flashcards for a science test. I knew Rachel was done with her homework and just watching t.v., so I asked her to get Tye into the bath. There seems to be some discrepancy in the story here, as she thought I said to run his bath water. I can't recall for sure, but I guess when I ask a 12 year old to run bath water for a 5 year old, I also expect her to turn it off when the tub is full. Seems only obvious...

NOPE...not so obvious, I guess.

So Amberlea and I are in the office, and I can hear the water running. I could tell that she was putting him in my jacuzzi tub by the direction of the noise of the water. I let him once in a while, and by the time I realized, I thought, oh well, it will be fine tonight. That is how I came to be clueless that the water was still running. The jets on the jacuzzi also sound like water running, so I just thought the jets were going. I hollered to be sure that Rachel was checking on Tye. Pretty soon she came down to the office doorway to see what I had said. I told her...I wanted you to check on your brother, he shouldn't be in there by himself and...

About that time, Amberlea was within view of the downstairs living room and said...Tye isn't in the tub. At that point, Rachel looked like she had been shot, and when I stepped out of the office, I could hear that it sounded like a torrential downpour in Rachel's room (directly below my bathroom). Rachel raced upstairs to shut off the water. Her side of the story makes sense to someone, I'm sure...she started the water, and told Tye to get in the tub and turn off the water himself. She was busy watching t.v.

Hmmm....

I instinctively turned on the lights in Rachel's room, at which time I realized that water was gushing out through the recessed lighting and out of a ceiling air vent. I went and flipped the breaker and grabbed a trashcan to catch some of the water. The outlets in Rachel's room still worked, so we flipped a lamp on over on the opposite side of the room. Water was trickling down the walls of what would be directly below my bathtub. Rachel did manage to salvage her Twilight poster and keep it from being ruined. Whew! We are not sure how long the water ran, although the hot water ran completely out, so I'm guessing a decent amount of time. I used a steam cleaner to suck the water out of her carpet and got about a gallon, as well as catching about a gallon in the trashcan. I ran to Erin's to get a fan and dehumidifier, and we are working to get her room all dried out. I am actually surprised there wasn't more damage, considering the fact that it was running in the ceiling. There was one weak area in the ceiling that I thought might bust through, as water was actually dripping through the ceiling itself, but it held strong. Otherwise, I guess it all ran down the inside of the walls.

I was surprised with myself. I have been crying a lot lately, and having a lot of anxiety. I almost didn't even make it into school today because I had some trouble getting myself together. But I did pretty good last night, not losing my cool. I raised my voice and barked a few orders, then gave Rachel a little chewing out, but I didn't yell. I have given her a hard time all day, and I told her tonight that if I didn't get to yell and scream at her or ring her neck, she was going to have to put up with me making fun of her a little bit!

It could have been worse. And no one was hurt in the making of Rachel's first major adventure.

For the record, I had Amberlea run his bath water tonight...

It's a Girl!

2009-02-28T10:41:00.002-06:00

I'm a grandma! Or I guess I'm a great-grandma because Tye says he's a grandpa!

Miss Sally Halley arrived early yesterday morning. I didn't post the news last night because I was waiting on pictures. Hopefully soon we can get some wity Tye and Sally, but for now, Mama Tess is of course pretty protective! Tye went home with Phillip and Denise after my grandma's funeral. Sally was born in the middle of the night, but Tye got to see her first thing yesterday morning.

Tye (calling me yesterday afternoon): Mom! Guess who had her baby!

I didn't get to ask...

Tess, and it's a girl! She gets her food from her Mama's udders!

What are you going to name her?

Kate.

Oh, no, Mommy doesn't like Kate. (I'm thinking I was hoping just maybe I might have a granddaughter named Kate someday, not a grand-cow!) Ha! He said he was going to think about it. So by this morning, they had decided on Sally.

He is very excited. The girls and I have had a lot of fun being excited with him. Rachel said...I'm an aunt! I always wanted to be an aunt. I was kind of hoping Tye would be a little older, and also that the baby would be human, but hey, I'm excited!

Just for the record, this will be the only cause for me to be excited about being a grandma for at least another 10 years!

Melanoma Sucks

2009-02-27T22:55:00.003-06:00

I try really hard not to use the word suck as slang, but melanoma defines the word "suck". So I reserve it for just this topic. I've found some support amongst some other cyber widows, and have found a few very good places to share my grief. As strange as this feeling is, I realize unfortunately that there are many, many other widows/widowers out there. And as unfamiliar as my feelings are, they are normal, just not normal for me. So I took the advice of a few other bloggers and decided to get some of Brian's things back out. I have them in special places, just little reminders of him. I have also starting wearing his t-shirts to bed. That in turn got Tye to wanting to wear one of Daddy's shirts, so his most recent one was a Hounds football shirt. Tye thinks it pretty funny how big Daddy's shirts are, but he sure doesn't miss a beat when it is time to get ready for bed and crawl into one of them. My personal favorite is one I've enjoyed wearing, his MELANOMA SUCKS shirt. I decided I would wear it when I feel angry at melanoma, and this week is one of those weeks. There was a benefit last weekend for a woman in Maryville who is battling melanoma. A very close friend of mine lost her sister-in-law on Wednesday to melanoma. And then check this out...

Yep, it is melanoma. I took the pictures from a melanoma blogger who just found out the beast has spread to the brain. God, can't someone stop this madness?

Hallie Heflin 1925-2009

2009-02-24T20:27:00.003-06:00

My last living grandparent died early this morning. My Grandma Hallie passed away peacefully at the hospital after having a rough several months, and especially the past few weeks.
http://www.pricefuneralhomemaryville.com/obituaries.php